I'm here...I'm here!!!

SOOOOO sorry I have been out of touch for so long. I had no internet access for a few weeks, and it was driving me crazy!!! But, I am back with a LOT of information to share. 


School has started and I have missed feeling like a student. I love learning and going to class, no matter how much I may complain about it!! I love the feeling of being able to have intelligent conversations with people, it makes me feel proud. One of the classes I am currently taking is a physical education for teachers. It teaches you how to integrate movement and promote physical activity with your students. Today we watched a video about obesity and excuse my language, but it lit a fire under my ass. As you know my ED is anorexia and I have talked about how little people really know about it, but after watching this video on obesity, it hit me that people know even less about over eating as an ED. A lot of the people, mostly children, they interviewed talked about eating when they are feeling emotional distress. To me this screamed ED!!!!!!!!! The entire show focused and emphasized on choices and weight being dependent on the person's self control when it comes to making choices. This made me really upset because people who over eat have a psychological reason they are making the choices that they are making. It has NOTHING to do with self discipline or self control. These people need help and educated on their disease...yes I said disease, in order for them even begin being capable of making healthy choices and to find ways to cope with emotions other than turning to food.  The video also got me thinking about my own ED and how it really started to become apparent when I was about 12 years old. If I were a 12 year old watching this video, or being lectured about obesity, I would begin to think of all food, other than fruits and veggies, and unhealthy and will make me fat! The emphasis put on NOT being obese puts the idea in children's minds that fat is bad and you must be thin!!!  This whole experience has inspired me to change direction with my goal to become a teacher. I want to teach middle school or high school health. I think kids deserve a balance in their education when learning about obesity. It is important to know the effects of obesity, but it is also important to know the effects of the opposite extreme and to learn more about WHY people become obese. I want to be that positive role model for girls and even boys and be a person they can turn to when they have concerns about their bodies or are struggling with body image. I have been through so much with this damn disease that I want to use it for good. My treatment and education on ED saved my life and I want to help save another life. Not only do kids deserve to know the truth about ED and obesity, they also deserve an adult in their life (especially for middle school kids) to not be embarrassed to talk to them openly about things like sex. Today, kids are getting younger and younger when they are faced with the pressures of having sex and drinking. I want to be that adult that will tell them the truth, they don't need one more person just telling them "no." 


This past weekend I had a huge moment in my recovery. Nick and I broke up because of some personal issues between us. During all of the heartache and emotions, I never once thought about keeping myself from eating, nor did I ever once think I deserved to be punished. I have NEVER been through a tough situation without feeling guilty in some way or another and needed to be punished. The fact that I was able to stand up for myself, make a terribly hard decision and still eat and love myself is a HUGE accomplishment and I am not ashamed to pat myself on the back :) We have since worked things out and are back together. We love each other so much but have different ways of showing it to each other. That is something we will need to continue to work on, but I know it is worth fighting for.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Trick of the Light

Hey there my loves!!! So this past weekend I helped my cousin Kevin out with his photography class. I was the model for the session and I was so excited. I used to want to do modeling professionally, but with ED it would be like an alcoholic pursuing bar tending. But modeling for my cousin who is sensitive to my condition made it a safe environment to have a little fun with it. I had so much fun! Of course any glimpse of a photo taken, I criticized my appearance in it, but I kept reminding myself that it is just for fun and for the people in the class to learn.

While Kevin was teaching the class about lighting techniques I learned a lot myself. The way light is placed and how bright it is during a photo shoot can create many illusions...one being an unrealistic look to skin. This is something to keep in mind when looking at beautiful women in magazines, between light tricks and photoshop, there is nothing realistic left to the photo. Next time you begin to compare yourself to a photo in a magazine just remember it is selling you empty promises. Photos have to look perfect because they are selling a product to people who desperately want to achieve perfection. They should really be sued for false advertisement!! Might have to call a lawyer :p

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Uncomfortable and Unhappy

I absolutely hate this roller coaster I am on, one day I am happy and recovering and the next I am stuck in a dark hole and can't focus. Today is one of those dark days. I have done nothing but criticize myself today. My belly is too round, my legs and arms are too jiggly, my face looks too "messy." It is hard to imagine myself ever being happy. I hate the way I look to the point that I am embarrassed of who I am. I feel desperate to escape this skin. I feel like someone zipped me in a fat suit and I can't get out. This doesn't feel like what I am supposed to look like. It is a very confusing feeling, I don't even know how to begin to put into words this feeling. I hope that tomorrow is a better day and that I can learn to love myself again.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

You Make the Call

Hello Loves!!! Not much going on lately, which has made it tough to blog. I do not want to bore you with my everyday because the whole purpose of this blog is to educate people on eating disorders and to help those dealing with them. My body image continues to be rocky, but it has not interfered with my meal plan. I am curious to know what you have questions about. I know ED is difficult to understand and you may have questions about how it plays a role in different aspects of life. You can either comment your questions here or on my Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/profil. e.php?id=826804410). Also, any topics you would like to know more about as far as life with ED goes, are welcome too!!! Don't leave me hanging please!! I will not name names either, so your questions will remain anonymous.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!

How to Save a Life

Hello loves!! So you all know how much I love animals. My sister recently moved into a new apartment alone and has been wanting a cat. Last night at Nick's softball game, fate stepped in. We were getting ready to leave and a girl came up to us with two tiny kittens in her purse, she was trying to find them a home. The one looked just like my sisters first cat (that now lives at our dad's) Khloe, so I took him. He is so tiny and I know he will make her so happy. Coming home to little faces that are so happy to see you is the greatest feeling in the world. He is still very young and I have been bottle feeding him, it is a lot of work but to see my sister as happy as my pets make me is well worth it. She named him Shamrock. Tomorrow Shamrock has a vet appointment to get an overview of his health and for me to know how to take care of him. I have never seen, let alone taken care of, a kitten so small!!

Last time I wrote to you I was having some body image issues. Update: still having them. I can deal with the fact that I may always have severe body image issues, but the fact that I am sticking to my meal plan regardless is what is important. Some days are harder than others but I am getting through it and living MY life, not EDs life.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

It's Not a Party Without ED!

Hello my loves! I am so sorry for not writing the past few days. I had a test done to check on my tummy and it had me pretty messed up for a few days. Things are fine, nothing major, which is very good news! Today was the family reunion for my Mom's side of the family. I got to see people I love very much that I do not get to see very often.

My Uncle told me he reads my blog sometimes and told me some very nice things. If you are reading Uncle Steve, everything you said meant the world to me and I will always remember what you said whenever I am feeling down. It is my family's support that keep me so strong.

Even though I was at a family reunion, not everyone there loved me. Guess who showed up uninvited....ED!! Big surprise, right? Before I even left my apartment I was feeling insecure, labeling myself as "weird" looking. Knowing there was nothing I could do about it, I just went on with my day. Being around family makes the anxiety of feeling "weird" looking easier since they love you no matter what. I was doing fine until it was time to eat. I filled up my plate and enjoyed my meal. I even went back for a few extra snacks. The body sensation of being "full" is just unbearable. ED's irritating voice was yelling at me and putting me down even more. I ignored his criticism and enjoyed my family. Now it is the end of the evening and I feel enormous. I am feeling pretty low, but am keeping my head up. I have a lot of distractions in mind to keep me focused.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Another New Start

Hello loves! I am on vacation from work this week to get a couple of doctors appointments in. One of those being with my new therapist on campus. We met today and I really like her. She is very nice and I think her and I will get some good work done. I told her I would like to work on trusting people and finding peace and confidence in who I am as a person. I already have accepted the fact that I am what I am and nothing is going to change drastically about my appearance, now I just need to be confident and happy with who I am.

The past couple of days I have been tough on myself about the size of my belly, but I have been having issues with my stomach and think it may be why I am a little more bloated than usual. I am going to get a test done on Thursday to hopefully get some answers about why my tummy is causing me problems. I am getting nervous though about what it could be. No matter what it is, I know it will be nothing I can't handle. I have already gotten through so much in my twenty years of life.

In a few weeks, a friend and I are going to start taking either a zumba or yoga class at school. Her and I are both a little self conscious about our bodies and think working out together would help us. I already told my new therapist about it and told her I will need her help to not let working out get out of control or cause me to restrict.

Well Friends, it is shark week and I am sleepy, so I am gonna relax. I will check in tomorrow hopefully!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3