Slippery Slope

Today I had a terrible reminder of what life engaging in ED behaviors is like. This morning I had a therapy appointment and I overslept, so I didn't eat breakfast. At my session we planned my meals for the rest of the day. When I got home, I just didn't want what was planned for breakfast which was french toast sticks and syrup. My head told me it was a "fat" meal, actually it was screaming at me. I skipped breakfast. All I had by 2:30 was a small salad and 6 pizza rolls. My head was pounding, my body felt like it was going to collapse any second and I felt sick to my stomach. It reminded me of just how AWFUL starving yourself feels. I ate a bag of animal crackers and felt sooooooo much better. After I ate the animal crackers my head was telling me that I am a bad anorexic. Rough day, but I am trying to turn it around. I do not want to go down that road again.

Hello, OCD

One of the things I do when ED gets, or is, strong is become OCD about silly little things. For one, I feel the constant need to clean the house. I can't just clean up one room without cleaning the entire house! I also start to think of a million things I need to get done and I can't stop thinking about it until it gets done. Like right now, I have a MOUNTAIN of laundry to get done and I have no idea when I will have time to go to mom or dad's to get it done. All I can think about is how I can get it done, if I have enough clothes to make it through the week and on and on and on!!!!!!! Eating didn't go so well today either :-/ I had breakfast, lunch and a mid afternoon kids meal from McDonald's. At dinner time I had made up my mind to not eat dinner. I figure the happy meal could count for it. I spent the evening with Nick. We had a really good time together and it reminded me why I needed to fight ED. Because of my fight I have this wonderful relationship with the man I consider my best friend, not to mention our three cats and puppy that we have :) Once I got home, I made buttered noodles and munched on some chocolate donuts!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Challenge Completed!

Five weeks ago I challenged myself to try a new dance class, aerial silks. Never heard of it? Here is a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZ-tsXcKaXo of Sara Evans at the CMA awards. Go about a minute in and there are people doing aerial silks. HARD, HARD, HARD! Gorgeous to watch and really neat to do, but is very difficult. I am glad I tried it, but am glad it is over! I will stick to dancing on the floor from now on since that is what I am good at. We practiced a trick that is taught in the advanced level and you have to jump and catch the silks in between your belly and hip....well I fell on the floor. The space between the end of my rib cage and my hip bone is only about an inch, so not much room for this trick. At first I was really embarrassed and upset that I didn't do the trick, actually more upset that I couldn't do many of the tricks on the silks, but I was able to soldier on. My teacher reminded me how long it took her to do some of the tricks that I am having the most trouble with and told me not to compare myself to the other girls in the class because I was the only one who was taking the class for the first time. I am really glad that she told me that because I really needed someone in that moment to get me to quit comparing.

Same situation with the food and body image... :/  I am doing the best I can though. The urge to restrict  and lose a mass amount of weight is extremely strong and tough to shake.

Saturday, I am doing a photo shoot for my dance studio- Hair, make up, the whole nine yards. I am excited and hoping that it will help the self esteem!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Made it though another day

Survived Monday. What can I say? Still fighting off a flu bug which makes eating tough. I have a very low appetite and when I do eat, I feel nauseous. As of right now, I have only eaten my three normal meals, no snacks. I am hoping to chuck down a few cookies and make up for it, but I am still so full and sick feeling from dinner! Today before my shower I swore my body had changed dramatically from the night before. Like most girls, I am fine with having a curvy behind....but this morning I SWORE my belly had taken all of the booty's oomph. My eyes saw no but and BUNCH OF BELLY! I know it was just ED distorting my ability to see myself for what I really am, but it was still a tough image to get out of my head. Did that contribute to my lack of appetite? Maybe. That is what worries me: Am I not feeling well because I am not eating enough, or and I not eating enough because I am not feeling well? Is my loss of appetite from the flu, or is the loss of appetite from the image of myself ED has me see? That is what I am trying to figure out!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

urge for revenge

Lately has been rough. Hating my body and all of myself once again. Bad memories have been clouding my grip on reality. I want so badly to get back at Ken and make him pay. Some tell me to forgive and let God handle it and I want to, but you're talking to a girl with severe trust issues. If something needs done, I do it myself to make certain it gets done, and done well. I started journaling again to try and help clear my head and stay strong with my food intake. But tonight I looked at pictures from the NEDA walk and was inspired. The girl in those photos was in control of her disease and was taking her life back from ED and his accomplice, Ken. I want to get back to her and helping others. I am hoping blogging more often will help. Those who have my number and or are Facebook friends with me, I ask you this-harrass be daily to get me to blog. I need your support and encouragement. Please home me to this one. This blog may be my only chance at revenge and I can't let it go. There is a chance of him reading it and if I don't write, he will win.

Stay strong and beautiful!!!!! <3

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urge for revenge

Lately has been rough. Hating my body and all of myself once again. Bad memories have been clouding my grip on reality. I want so badly to get back at Ken and make him pay. Some tell me to forgive and let God handle it and I want to, but you're talking to a girl with severe trust issues. If something needs done, I do it myself to make certain it gets done, and done well. I started journaling again to try and help clear my head and stay strong with my food intake. But tonight I looked at pictures from the NEDA walk and was inspired. The girl in those photos was in control of her disease and was taking her life back from ED and his accomplice, Ken. I want to get back to her and helping others. I am hoping blogging more often will help. Those who have my number and or are Facebook friends with me, I ask you this-harrass be daily to get me to blog. I need your support and encouragement. Please home me to this one. This blog may be my only chance at revenge and I can't let it go. There is a chance of him reading it and if I don't write, he will win.

Stay strong and beautiful!!!!! <3

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Lately...

I went to visit an adviser from the college I am transferring to in the fall and found out that I am still quite a ways away from getting my teaching degree. After my meeting I called my mom crying because of the news. I began hating the way my life had changed during and after high school. If it wasn't for this damn eating disorder I would be a year away from being a teacher....but no, it keeps taking from me, this time it is stealing time. The more I got to thinking about why I am where I am today I got infuriated at "Ken." I know I had ED tenancies before him, but he just kicked it into overdrive and really stole everything from me. I think about how he is attending the college of his dreams and is on course for his degree. It is not fair and it makes me so mad! I did nothing to deserve his abuse and I am STILL the one paying the price 4 years later. When will he feel the consequences?!

Ever since this happened I have been more aware of my body. Every time I go to the restroom I lift my shirt and look at my tummy sideways in the mirror. I take more time picking out clothes for the day and am much more critical of myself. One thing I am not doing, however, is weighing myself. I am tempted to a lot though. The family I work for has two scales in their restroom. I think about food a lot more than usual and I don't like it! Right now I have not been restricting, but the urge is there. I am fighting this full force, but it is not easy, just like all of the times before!

Stay Strong And Beautiful! <3