So today was much better than yesterday! I woke up with a whisper of a voice but went to work anyway. The teacher I was with was much more talkative to me today and that made me feel better about her liking me. She thanked me for helping her this week because it helps her have the same sub long term that actually helps and knows what they are doing. We also got on the topic of the other sub that is taking over in her room as assistant teacher and she did not know how she got the job and hasn't really talked to her at all, so I didn't need to take it personally. ED is so mean! It is like everything I believed yesterday was debunked today with just one conversation! After work I had my brother and step mom over to swim and have dinner with me. It was a lot of fun and having them at the pool with me helped a lot!
The pool is a VERY triggering place to be for a person with an eating disorder. I noticed three girls at the pool with very tight abs. I started feeling insecure and getting urges to just RUN!! I was able to distract by playing with my brother in the pool. When we got out to dry off the song "Who Says" by Selena Gomez came on the radio and with the sun shining on my skin I remembered why life is so beautiful. Every one is different and that is what makes life worth living! I would hate going to work if all of the kids there looked and acted the same. I hope I can learn to be more comfortable with my body this summer...maybe allowing a limited amount of exercise a day would help, that will take a lot of structure and self accountability on my part though. I need to think about it for a while...
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Day by Day
Hello my loves. This week has kicked my butt! Working all day on top of being sick is really hard! I barely have a voice and have absolutely no energy. I am so tired that I don't even care about taking care of myself, all I want to do is sleep. Tonight, when I got home from work I tried to eat pizza, but after one bite I stopped and fell asleep. When I woke up (2 hours later!) I went to the refrigerator to see what my choices for dinner were...and again nothing sounded good. I settled for a box of mac n cheese and called it a night. Now I am in bed, I can't breathe and I feel sick to my stomach.
Even with all of these distractions, ED is still there. The teacher I am working with this week is nice, but I feel like she doesn't like me. I don't know if it is just ED but I feel very paranoid around her. I start worrying about how I look and my job performance. The other teacher in her room, that I am subbing for this week, is moving out of state and they hired another sub to fill her place for the summer. I started to wonder why they didn't ask me and began to criticize myself, how I work, how far along I am in my degree, and that the other teacher asked NOT to have me because she didn't like me! Ugh this week is really getting to my head!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Even with all of these distractions, ED is still there. The teacher I am working with this week is nice, but I feel like she doesn't like me. I don't know if it is just ED but I feel very paranoid around her. I start worrying about how I look and my job performance. The other teacher in her room, that I am subbing for this week, is moving out of state and they hired another sub to fill her place for the summer. I started to wonder why they didn't ask me and began to criticize myself, how I work, how far along I am in my degree, and that the other teacher asked NOT to have me because she didn't like me! Ugh this week is really getting to my head!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Rough Day...
I know I haven't been keeping up with my writing as often as I used to, but I have been working a lot and been pretty busy! I haven't forgotten about you my loves, no worries.
Today was a pretty rough day, I have to admit I did not do my best. I ate a small breakfast and after that had very strong urges to restrict and had every intention on following through with those urges. As the day went on I began feeling guilty about restricting which is a very good thing, but a strange feeling at the same time. I am usually feeling guilty for NOT restricting, not the opposite! I guess that means my rational mind is getting stronger than my ED mind :) I got some Subway with my step mom and little brother and that helped to not eat alone. A few hours later it was time to go out to eat for my step dad's birthday. We went to a European restaurant so the food was different and the menu had like three things I eat. I was still full from Subway and felt enormous. I did the best I could but knew it was no where near enough. At home, after my tummy settled a little, I snacked on little things around the house that would be sit lightly on my tummy. I felt better that I was able to get a little more in my body before the day was over. ED did not completely win today!
I am curious as to your thoughts on the post about the scale....do you agree about the importance of knowing your weight? Let me know!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Today was a pretty rough day, I have to admit I did not do my best. I ate a small breakfast and after that had very strong urges to restrict and had every intention on following through with those urges. As the day went on I began feeling guilty about restricting which is a very good thing, but a strange feeling at the same time. I am usually feeling guilty for NOT restricting, not the opposite! I guess that means my rational mind is getting stronger than my ED mind :) I got some Subway with my step mom and little brother and that helped to not eat alone. A few hours later it was time to go out to eat for my step dad's birthday. We went to a European restaurant so the food was different and the menu had like three things I eat. I was still full from Subway and felt enormous. I did the best I could but knew it was no where near enough. At home, after my tummy settled a little, I snacked on little things around the house that would be sit lightly on my tummy. I felt better that I was able to get a little more in my body before the day was over. ED did not completely win today!
I am curious as to your thoughts on the post about the scale....do you agree about the importance of knowing your weight? Let me know!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Measure of what?
Wednesday!!! My favorite day of the week. Had work today and that was about it. I had a little negative body image, but was able to work through it by distracting. Like I said yesterday, I am going to talk about something different that has to do with living with an eating disorder. Today I wanted to talk about scales...
A few days ago, I was talking to my best friend about being weighed. She does not have an eating disorder, but like every other woman in the world she weighed herself and felt insecure. We got to talking and it started to upset me how our society has made weight such a defining characteristic of beauty. I think that scales should only be used at the doctor's office to keep and eye on your health. There is no need to even know what number the scale spits out...after all it is JUST A NUMBER. Like age, it means nothing as to who you are as a person. You can look at someone and guess how old they are and you can do the same with weight, but even if you do guess correctly does that mean anything about that person? No, they are not nicer, prettier, smarter or in any way better than anyone else because they are a certain age or weight. As people grow older in age they are at greater risk of different health issues, same goes for weight. The more you weigh, the more at risk you are for different health issues and diseases. This is why I feel it should only be the doctor's concern. The doctor is responsible for keeping track and checking for diseases and such that are common in people of certain ages and weight. In this case, knowing the weight of a person is beneficial, but I can not think of one case in which knowing your own weight is beneficial. When you know what you weigh it does nothing but hurt your feelings and make you feel inadequate. Why should be know what we weigh? If we were over weight then our doctors should help guide us to a healthier weight without placing emphasis on a number because....IT IS JUST A NUMBER!!!! I know that some people do not go to the doctor regularly, but again that is their own risk to take. I think the world would be a lot happier of a place is people did not focus on a silly number. Remember, whatever that mechanical platform says you weigh does not make you ugly, stupid, bad, wrong or any less of a person. You are you and your weight is just a number that only your doctor needs to keep track of....if there is a problem with your number they will help you get it where it needs to be, so stop stressing over a few digits :)
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
A few days ago, I was talking to my best friend about being weighed. She does not have an eating disorder, but like every other woman in the world she weighed herself and felt insecure. We got to talking and it started to upset me how our society has made weight such a defining characteristic of beauty. I think that scales should only be used at the doctor's office to keep and eye on your health. There is no need to even know what number the scale spits out...after all it is JUST A NUMBER. Like age, it means nothing as to who you are as a person. You can look at someone and guess how old they are and you can do the same with weight, but even if you do guess correctly does that mean anything about that person? No, they are not nicer, prettier, smarter or in any way better than anyone else because they are a certain age or weight. As people grow older in age they are at greater risk of different health issues, same goes for weight. The more you weigh, the more at risk you are for different health issues and diseases. This is why I feel it should only be the doctor's concern. The doctor is responsible for keeping track and checking for diseases and such that are common in people of certain ages and weight. In this case, knowing the weight of a person is beneficial, but I can not think of one case in which knowing your own weight is beneficial. When you know what you weigh it does nothing but hurt your feelings and make you feel inadequate. Why should be know what we weigh? If we were over weight then our doctors should help guide us to a healthier weight without placing emphasis on a number because....IT IS JUST A NUMBER!!!! I know that some people do not go to the doctor regularly, but again that is their own risk to take. I think the world would be a lot happier of a place is people did not focus on a silly number. Remember, whatever that mechanical platform says you weigh does not make you ugly, stupid, bad, wrong or any less of a person. You are you and your weight is just a number that only your doctor needs to keep track of....if there is a problem with your number they will help you get it where it needs to be, so stop stressing over a few digits :)
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Its a Good Good Life
Hello loves!! The past couple days have been pretty uneventful, sleeping in and working for a few hours. I have been planning meals and enjoying every moment of every day. Tonight I went to dinner with my aunts and did a little shopping after. I bought some capris for work and a form fitting dress and actually liked the way it hugged my body. I am beginning to embrace my body and the curves it has. If I were teeny tiny, that dress would look ridiculous on me, but since I am at a healthy weight, I have a butt to fill out the dress :) Sorry so short, but really not too much going on. I am working on a list of things to write about other than my daily life so look for some of those posts in the next few days!
Stay Strong and Beautiful <3
Stay Strong and Beautiful <3
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I'm Still Here!!!
I am so sorry I haven't written in a while other than small updates from my phone. I worked all week and Thursday and Friday were so busy that when I did get home, I went right to bed! Friday was my last session with my therapist on campus. I will miss her so much and appreciate all she has done for me. We went to places I have never gone to in therapy and was able to put a lot of my past behind me for good. I have been able to see myself for what I really am and that is something I can not thank her enough for. She will change so many lives and I am so honored to have been able to be her patient. Saturday was really stressful for me. Because I worked all week, I got behind on planning my meals so I had nothing to go on. On top of no plan for food, there were about a million things going on! Everybody wanted me to do stuff and I want to see everyone so I say yes to everyone! In between my date with my sister at the mall and my brother at the movie, I checked my final grades for Spring quarter and got very upset. Last quarter I got all A's and made the Dean's list, but this quarter I got one A and three B's. I was so mad because I had checked my grade for my Science and Math class the last week of school and had a 94%, so how did it drop to a B in a week? I also saw that I got a 74% on my final for my History class when I had done research for my essay prior to the exam!! I tried to remind myself that she is a very unfair grader and that a B is still good for her class, but after seeing the B in the class I had expected an A in just made it that much worse!!! I had been off of my medicine for a few days while the pharmacy worked out a problem with the insurance company so dealing with this situation was a million times harder than it would have been if I had my medicine. Tough weekend to say the least. I ended up missing some snacks and a meal yesterday because it was what I had to do to get through the day. It was the only way I could handle the situation and get through it. This morning I woke up determined to do better and it started out that way. I had my breakfast and a good sized lunch, but after that I just stopped. It had felt sooo good to restrict yesterday that I wanted to do it even more. I restricted for about five hours and started to feel light headed and weak. I was watching Kayla's episode of 16 and Pregnant and seeing her make it through a pregnancy with anorexia reminded me why I need to eat. I want a family some day and I need to take care of myself now so that my body is healthy enough to even conceive a baby down the road. I made a snack and planned my meals for tomorrow. I am feeling a little better, but it is going to be a challenging evening for me. I know I can do it though.
Happy Father's Day to my daddy!!!! Thank you for always supporting me. You have been my hero since I was a little girl. I love you so much.
Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3
Happy Father's Day to my daddy!!!! Thank you for always supporting me. You have been my hero since I was a little girl. I love you so much.
Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3
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