Gratitude and Regrets

I hope everyone enjoyed the Holiday weekend. I got a lot of great gifts and am very blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Even though I had all of my shopping done with plenty of time to spare, I still stressed out too much. So much, that I missed out on enjoying the time with family. I took out my irrational stress on a lot of my family and Nick and now I feel awful. I don't know how they put up with me sometimes. I really need to get better about going with the flow on the Holidays. The tough part is, they only come once a year so it is hard to practice!

Today I was supposed to go to Columbus to have lunch with more family, but I really needed a day to just do nothing and not worry about being places and making people happy. I ended up sleeping most of the day and here I am laying in bed ready to get some more z's!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

The Pits

Today has been a very tough day. I woke up early to take Reece to the groomer and I instantly hated myself for not getting up in time to take a shower. After I dropped him off I went back to bed for an hour and again when I woke up, I hated that I didn't use that time to get cleaned up.

The rest of the day was the same, no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I felt so gross and lazy. I have felt so fat all day and I am fighting the urge to restrict. I am evening experiencing the urge to purge, just to get the full feeling to go away. I feel very alone right now and hate this dark place I am in today. I hope tomorrow is better because this should be a happy time of the year. I am on the verge of tears writing this because I hate having days like this. I truly feel like I look like I am 9 months pregnant :(

Stay Strong and Beautiful...

Finally a Minute!!

I have been so busy lately! I am in the process of beginning to sell jewelry and getting ready for Christmas. So here is my attempt at getting you caught up.

This weekend I had an Ugly Sweater Party for the girls I went to treatment with to help prepare and unwind for the Holidays. I stressed and worked so hard cooking food and getting things to make the day perfect. I was so worried that no one would enjoy themselves. Before the party started my hands were trembling. None of the girls from treatment showed, but my family and friends did and it was still a great time. It was good for me to relax and prepare myself for the Holidays. The good company reminded me how loved and supported I am.

Body image is doing much better, possibly because I have been managing my stress a lot better. Stress is a huge trigger for me to restrict. My world starts to feel like it is spinning out of control right before my eyes and the only thing I can actively control is the food I put in my body. My ways of handling stress is to write LOTS of "to do" lists, talk it out with a support and to prioritize the things that are stressing me out. It is important to remind yourself that you are only one person and can only handle one thing at a time.

I hope to write more this week! I hope that every one is prepared for the Holidays ahead and remembering that this is a time for family and not stress!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Diagnosing ED

You probably know by now, but if you are new to this blog, then you don't know; so here it is. My senior year of high school is when I began restricting severely and losing a lot of weight. It wasn't long before my BMI was officially underweight. I weighed myself everyday to gauge how I would eat that day, or if I would at all. It crossed my mind here and there that I may have an eating disorder, but I felt so in control of the situation that it couldn't be true. Another reason why I didn't believe I had a problem was because I didn't think I was "thin enough" to be considered anorexic. If only I knew then, that eating disorders come in all sizes. You don't have to meet a goal to be considered anorexic or bulimic.  

After graduation my parents told me if I didn't enter a treatment center and get healthy, then I would not be going away for school. University of Tennessee had always been my dream college and I had been accepted, so there was no way I was going to miss out on that. I figured, I'll go to this stupid center, do what they say and get the Hell out of Ohio. Once in treatment I was formally diagnosed with Anorexia and still it didn't mean anything to me. I still felt in control and that every one else is the world was just freaking stupid and trying to run my life. A few days into treatment, after refeeding my body back to life, I began to realize that I was really sick. I heard all of the stories from the other women in my center and related so much to them, that it had to be true that I had an eating disorder. My initial reaction was fear. I was so afraid of what I had done to my body, while still being afraid to gain weight even if it was for my health. 

The further I got in treatment, the more I learned about my ED and what fueled it. The fear went away and the anger set in. Realizing the events that lead up to my illness made me so frustrated and almost hopeless feeling. It was something I didn't ask for to happen to me and it began sinking in that I had been given a life sentence. Lucky for me though, I have the power to make that life sentence what I want it to be. I know I complain a lot about having ED and get mad about it, but at the end of the day I am not helpless. I have been given the tools and resources to make my life what I want it to be, regardless of my past. My ED is something that could have popped his ugly head up at any point in my life, so I need to separate ED from my past and just deal with him for the sake of my future.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Quick check in for my loyals

I'm still here!!!! Things have been kind of busy lately, but I promise I will write tomorrow and it will be about a suggestion I received: Was I ever in denial of my eating disorder, how I came to terms with the diagnosis and my feelings when I realized the situation I was in.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!!!! <3

Tough Tuesday

This morning started out as a chain reaction of bad luck. I woke up to find my puppy had gotten sick all over the bedroom floor. Then the toilet leaked water all over the floor. When I got out of the shower I went to put deodorant on and had none :( It was very tiring!

The rest of the day went much better! Nick text me and said the song "I'm so proud of you" by Drake reminded him of me. He has never told me he had a song that reminded him of me before without me asking, so it meant a lot to me.  I went to a dance class to get some of my pent up anger out and it felt very good! Thursday I am going to try to go to the kick boxing class to punch something. Food has been good today, body image is still rough though. I am going to have breakfast with my Dad in the morning and I am hoping that will help cheer me up.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Forgiveness is FAR away

Today I had my therapist appointment and got pretty emotional. I talked about the stomach pains I have been having and how I am scared of what other health problems I may have because of ED that I have not yet discovered. I thought out loud at the possibility of being able to have kids and began to cry. I want nothing more than to be a mommy some day. My mom already named my daughter Grace; I have an image of this beautiful little girl with big brown eyes and porcelain skin, and the thought of not being able to bring my dream of her to life breaks my heart.  

After bringing up how tired  I am of ED and how unfair it is that I have been dealt so many challenging things at such a young age, it reminded me of Ken. I hate bringing him up and giving him attention, but I still hold  A LOT of anger towards him. I usually try to focus on the amazing things in my life and be thankful for what has come of his emotional abuse, but that doesn't allow me to make peace with the negative that has come from him.

When a person is raped or physically hurt, the person responsible is held accountable and faces consequences. When a person is emotionally damaged, the only consequences that exist are given to the one that was hurt. Doesn't make sense. Basically, you can break a person down mentally, crush their spirit, and place them in a permanent prison (mentally) and walk away with no consequences. It's not fair. My therapist asked me to write down all the things that anger me about him and the entire situation, and I am scared to do that because I don't like thinking about that time of my life. I don't want to feel that anger because other than writing about it, there is nothing I can do to relieve it. I know if I were to tell him (which I never want to speak to him again) it would not affect him whatsoever, he is a person that is not capable of feeling anything for anyone but himself. I feel like, unless he were to face consequences directly associated with his abusing me, I will never feel like I have been given justice.

He took so much from me but he did not take my happiness or my future. Granted my life is not where I planned it to be, but I have adapted to the situation and created new dreams for my life.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3