Oh my goodness!!!! Where have I been?! I have so much on my plate right now between school, work, family, friends, boyfriend, selling jewelry!!! I feel terrible that I have been so out of touch, but I am still here and still fighting anorexia! I have plans on making a life size Barbie doll to show how unrealistic her body is and taking it to schools in my area. The idea originated with a girl I once saw on television, but I love the idea and think it speaks for itself. Once it is finished I will post pictures!!! I am exhausted from the day, but I am going to try to kick my butt into gear and post more often! Love you all!!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Oooooooo boy!
Things have been getting very busy lately. My weeks are filled with school and working, some evenings even working out. On the weekends I try to catch up with Nick and my family. I have to admit, I am starting to get a little overwhelmed. At the moment the school work is not stressing me, however attending the classes is very time consuming! I know I have to do it, but when I have a million other things on my mind, it adds to the stress.
Tonight I listened to some training sessions for my Jewelry business and it added to my state of panic! The thoughts of failure are constant. What if I get through these first few parties with my family and then that is it? No one else to ask, or to get sales from? I am so afraid that this won't work out. I am willing to put in the time and effort to making my business successful, but if I can't get the clients, then I can't get any further.
I mentioned earlier that I have been working out lately. I am being very good at not over doing it. Once or twice a week I will go to a dance studio and take some dance classes, even boxing. There, I am under supervision and have support of other women. At home, I will do ten minutes of ab work and that is it. I have started taking vitamins and drinking more water. The exercise and extra care is making me feel a little more confident in my body. It feels really good! Just gotta get past this stress and I will be fantastic!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Tonight I listened to some training sessions for my Jewelry business and it added to my state of panic! The thoughts of failure are constant. What if I get through these first few parties with my family and then that is it? No one else to ask, or to get sales from? I am so afraid that this won't work out. I am willing to put in the time and effort to making my business successful, but if I can't get the clients, then I can't get any further.
I mentioned earlier that I have been working out lately. I am being very good at not over doing it. Once or twice a week I will go to a dance studio and take some dance classes, even boxing. There, I am under supervision and have support of other women. At home, I will do ten minutes of ab work and that is it. I have started taking vitamins and drinking more water. The exercise and extra care is making me feel a little more confident in my body. It feels really good! Just gotta get past this stress and I will be fantastic!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Tammy's Story
A friend of mine wrote a post for the blog. I appreciate her taking the time to write it, I know it is very hard to do. I love her very much and have great respect for her. She is a mother and can offer insight on being a mother with ED that I cannot.
Hello my name is Tammy. I am a 37 year old mother of 3. I have 2 boys 17 and 14 and a girl 12 they are my life. I have been battling with bulimia for 24 years. Ed has always been here for me, I go to him with every problem or stress that arise. He assures me as long as I have him in my life everything is going to be ok. Everything is not ok. Ed tells me I am worthless, fat, ugly, undeserving of happiness. He has robbed me of so much in my life, so much time, so many relationships. I have always put Ed above all else at times even above my family. My children are aware of my bulimia and it scares them and makes them sad but most of all it makes them angry. They do not understand why I can not just stop. It is very hard for them to understand how much of a hold Ed has on me. I wish I was strong enough to conquer Ed. He does not deserve to win or destroy any of our lives, our spirits, or our courage.
Through the past 24 years Ed has made my life miserable. I live with so much pain, hurt, and guilt. I have several mental and physical issues but I am not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I know God takes care of me and without him I would not be here today. With God all things are possible!!! I also have a wonderful support group.
If there is one thing I could tell you it would be if you are struggling with an eating disorder tell someone right away. Get help as soon as possible. The sooner you do the quicker you can kick Ed's butt and never let ED WIN!!
REMEMBER YOU ARE STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL!!
Hello my name is Tammy. I am a 37 year old mother of 3. I have 2 boys 17 and 14 and a girl 12 they are my life. I have been battling with bulimia for 24 years. Ed has always been here for me, I go to him with every problem or stress that arise. He assures me as long as I have him in my life everything is going to be ok. Everything is not ok. Ed tells me I am worthless, fat, ugly, undeserving of happiness. He has robbed me of so much in my life, so much time, so many relationships. I have always put Ed above all else at times even above my family. My children are aware of my bulimia and it scares them and makes them sad but most of all it makes them angry. They do not understand why I can not just stop. It is very hard for them to understand how much of a hold Ed has on me. I wish I was strong enough to conquer Ed. He does not deserve to win or destroy any of our lives, our spirits, or our courage.
Through the past 24 years Ed has made my life miserable. I live with so much pain, hurt, and guilt. I have several mental and physical issues but I am not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I know God takes care of me and without him I would not be here today. With God all things are possible!!! I also have a wonderful support group.
If there is one thing I could tell you it would be if you are struggling with an eating disorder tell someone right away. Get help as soon as possible. The sooner you do the quicker you can kick Ed's butt and never let ED WIN!!
REMEMBER YOU ARE STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL!!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Gratitude and Regrets
I hope everyone enjoyed the Holiday weekend. I got a lot of great gifts and am very blessed to have such a wonderful family.
Even though I had all of my shopping done with plenty of time to spare, I still stressed out too much. So much, that I missed out on enjoying the time with family. I took out my irrational stress on a lot of my family and Nick and now I feel awful. I don't know how they put up with me sometimes. I really need to get better about going with the flow on the Holidays. The tough part is, they only come once a year so it is hard to practice!
Today I was supposed to go to Columbus to have lunch with more family, but I really needed a day to just do nothing and not worry about being places and making people happy. I ended up sleeping most of the day and here I am laying in bed ready to get some more z's!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Even though I had all of my shopping done with plenty of time to spare, I still stressed out too much. So much, that I missed out on enjoying the time with family. I took out my irrational stress on a lot of my family and Nick and now I feel awful. I don't know how they put up with me sometimes. I really need to get better about going with the flow on the Holidays. The tough part is, they only come once a year so it is hard to practice!
Today I was supposed to go to Columbus to have lunch with more family, but I really needed a day to just do nothing and not worry about being places and making people happy. I ended up sleeping most of the day and here I am laying in bed ready to get some more z's!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Pits
Today has been a very tough day. I woke up early to take Reece to the groomer and I instantly hated myself for not getting up in time to take a shower. After I dropped him off I went back to bed for an hour and again when I woke up, I hated that I didn't use that time to get cleaned up.
The rest of the day was the same, no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I felt so gross and lazy. I have felt so fat all day and I am fighting the urge to restrict. I am evening experiencing the urge to purge, just to get the full feeling to go away. I feel very alone right now and hate this dark place I am in today. I hope tomorrow is better because this should be a happy time of the year. I am on the verge of tears writing this because I hate having days like this. I truly feel like I look like I am 9 months pregnant :(
Stay Strong and Beautiful...
The rest of the day was the same, no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I felt so gross and lazy. I have felt so fat all day and I am fighting the urge to restrict. I am evening experiencing the urge to purge, just to get the full feeling to go away. I feel very alone right now and hate this dark place I am in today. I hope tomorrow is better because this should be a happy time of the year. I am on the verge of tears writing this because I hate having days like this. I truly feel like I look like I am 9 months pregnant :(
Stay Strong and Beautiful...
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Finally a Minute!!
I have been so busy lately! I am in the process of beginning to sell jewelry and getting ready for Christmas. So here is my attempt at getting you caught up.
This weekend I had an Ugly Sweater Party for the girls I went to treatment with to help prepare and unwind for the Holidays. I stressed and worked so hard cooking food and getting things to make the day perfect. I was so worried that no one would enjoy themselves. Before the party started my hands were trembling. None of the girls from treatment showed, but my family and friends did and it was still a great time. It was good for me to relax and prepare myself for the Holidays. The good company reminded me how loved and supported I am.
Body image is doing much better, possibly because I have been managing my stress a lot better. Stress is a huge trigger for me to restrict. My world starts to feel like it is spinning out of control right before my eyes and the only thing I can actively control is the food I put in my body. My ways of handling stress is to write LOTS of "to do" lists, talk it out with a support and to prioritize the things that are stressing me out. It is important to remind yourself that you are only one person and can only handle one thing at a time.
I hope to write more this week! I hope that every one is prepared for the Holidays ahead and remembering that this is a time for family and not stress!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
This weekend I had an Ugly Sweater Party for the girls I went to treatment with to help prepare and unwind for the Holidays. I stressed and worked so hard cooking food and getting things to make the day perfect. I was so worried that no one would enjoy themselves. Before the party started my hands were trembling. None of the girls from treatment showed, but my family and friends did and it was still a great time. It was good for me to relax and prepare myself for the Holidays. The good company reminded me how loved and supported I am.
Body image is doing much better, possibly because I have been managing my stress a lot better. Stress is a huge trigger for me to restrict. My world starts to feel like it is spinning out of control right before my eyes and the only thing I can actively control is the food I put in my body. My ways of handling stress is to write LOTS of "to do" lists, talk it out with a support and to prioritize the things that are stressing me out. It is important to remind yourself that you are only one person and can only handle one thing at a time.
I hope to write more this week! I hope that every one is prepared for the Holidays ahead and remembering that this is a time for family and not stress!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Diagnosing ED
You probably know by now, but if you are new to this blog, then you don't know; so here it is. My senior year of high school is when I began restricting severely and losing a lot of weight. It wasn't long before my BMI was officially underweight. I weighed myself everyday to gauge how I would eat that day, or if I would at all. It crossed my mind here and there that I may have an eating disorder, but I felt so in control of the situation that it couldn't be true. Another reason why I didn't believe I had a problem was because I didn't think I was "thin enough" to be considered anorexic. If only I knew then, that eating disorders come in all sizes. You don't have to meet a goal to be considered anorexic or bulimic.
After graduation my parents told me if I didn't enter a treatment center and get healthy, then I would not be going away for school. University of Tennessee had always been my dream college and I had been accepted, so there was no way I was going to miss out on that. I figured, I'll go to this stupid center, do what they say and get the Hell out of Ohio. Once in treatment I was formally diagnosed with Anorexia and still it didn't mean anything to me. I still felt in control and that every one else is the world was just freaking stupid and trying to run my life. A few days into treatment, after refeeding my body back to life, I began to realize that I was really sick. I heard all of the stories from the other women in my center and related so much to them, that it had to be true that I had an eating disorder. My initial reaction was fear. I was so afraid of what I had done to my body, while still being afraid to gain weight even if it was for my health.
The further I got in treatment, the more I learned about my ED and what fueled it. The fear went away and the anger set in. Realizing the events that lead up to my illness made me so frustrated and almost hopeless feeling. It was something I didn't ask for to happen to me and it began sinking in that I had been given a life sentence. Lucky for me though, I have the power to make that life sentence what I want it to be. I know I complain a lot about having ED and get mad about it, but at the end of the day I am not helpless. I have been given the tools and resources to make my life what I want it to be, regardless of my past. My ED is something that could have popped his ugly head up at any point in my life, so I need to separate ED from my past and just deal with him for the sake of my future.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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