My body is not me

The title of this post may be a bit misleading, but I am going to explain why I chose it:

While my body is mine and in this moment, I am content with my shape, it is not who I am. I am a person not a body. My body shape does not tell the world that I am a sister, a girlfriend, a best friend, a mentor, a shoulder to cry on, or a person with a very big heart and passion for helping others. My body shape does not tell the world that I am a woman that has a love for teaching and strives to be a positive role model. My body shape does not tell the world that I am out to change the world!

Challenge yourself to see yourself as a person and not a body. The person is within and cannot be represented by our appearance. The mirror can never give us an accurate image of who we are as people and who you are as a person is what matters most in this world.

Stay strong and beautiful! <3

Picking up the pieces

I used to be so good at posting on regular basis, but lately I have been bad! My passion for advocacy and change remains as strong as ever. In fact, it has multiplied. I recently lost a friend due to a very tragic accident. Knowing her was truly a gift and I have no doubt that her role in my life saved me from continuing down my dark path. Before her passing, she was advocating for education in the school system about eating disorders. I am so proud of her for that. The truth about ED is ugly, I have shared some of the ugly truths on here, but the fight should not me a lonely one. The more educated parents are about ED, the sooner they can get help for their child and be as supportive as possible. Something else that needs to change is the insurance coverage of treatment. For many suffering, treatment is a long term thing and not one bit of it is affordable! Inpatient care costs tens of thousands of dollars. Then there are the outpatient costs that you need to take care of if you want the progress made in inpatient to last and mean anything. I know that I can't fix all of those problems, but I hope that by spreading awareness I can help save lives of those that I encounter.

Here is a video I found from Project HEAL on facebook. A very inspiring song by Sara Bareilles. I challenge everyone to be brave and say what you feel is important. You never know who is listening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwTr_CRw3GY

Stay Strong and Beautiful <3

Never Stop Fighting

This June will celebrate my fourth year in recovery. Day one I thought that at this point I would be "cured," but I am still a work in progress. I have said before that I was extremely fortunate enough to have insurance coverage for my treatment. There are people that I met that either had limited insurance coverage or no coverage at all and were not able to receive the appropriate amount of treatment necessary for a successful recovery. It is not fair. Eating disorders are as deadly as cancer. Like cancer there are different levels of severity, early treatment has the highest recovery rates, relapses are unpredictable, and the person with the disease did not ask for it, nor do they want it! I have tried to make the comparison before, but this article I read today really does a great job at painting the picture. Eating disorders may not be able to be seen through x-rays, body scans, or even with the naked eye, but their danger is extremely real. If you are or someone you know is having trouble paying for ED treatment, this article gives some tips for getting more insurance coverage. Also there is a wonderful organization called Project HEAL that helps people that cannot afford their treatment. No matter what tries to stop you from beating ED, keep fighting. Recovery is worth everything!

Article:

http://www.nasdaq.com/article/how-to-fight-for-coverage-of-eating-disorder-treatment-cm204789#.UOt9jm9fC8B

Project HEAL:
http://theprojectheal.org/

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

New Year, New Start

A lot of people think that the start of a new year will make things all better. The truth is, New Years is not magic. All of the problems you had last week will still be there, they don't magically disappear at the end of the year. However, the new year is an opportunity to change your attitude and start fresh. Truthfully, you could really do this any day of the year, but on New Year's Eve everyone tends to reflect on the past year and wish for better things in the new year. Like others I too reflected on the past year. There certainly were some challenging times, but I wouldn't expect any year to be challenge free. Usually I don't make resolutions, but this year I thought of a few things I want to work on that will make me happier.

1. Be a better girlfriend- I am currently a pretty kick ass girlfriend, but I would like to be more trusting.

2. Hang out with friends more- I have a tendency to let school consume me and leave no time for fun. This year I want to make more time to be a 21 year old and go out with friends and have fun. This will also help with my intense social anxiety!!

3. Watch more tv- Again, I spend so much time on school work that I rarely sit back to just watch some tv. This one might be hard to do!

4. Quit biting my fingers- My worst habit!! Going to be tough to quit!

5. Reduce/stop fat talk- I want to accept myself more as I am. If I have a negative thought I want to just let it go and accept myself in the moment.

Those are the improvements I have decided to work on for 2013!! Happy New Year!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Mamma Fell Off Her Rocker

Lately I have been struggling with comparing myself to others and feeling "good enough." Last night I completely lost control of everything! I woke up feeling very empty and just numb about life. Later in the afternoon we went to Nick's friend's house to hang out with some friends and my anxiety just went through the roof. I couldn't stop comparing myself the other girls there and judging myself for not connecting with anyone. I felt very out of place, although looking back I was not out of place. The longer we stayed the worse my anxiety and ED voice got. I had only eaten once so far and had hormones going crazy on top of ED. It was just the perfect storm. I went to sit alone to calm down and just started crying. Once I started crying there was no stopping it. Nick kept asking what was wrong but I didn't have an answer for him because I didn't know myself what was wrong! I felt completely out of control and not even in my own body. It is the scariest feeling and have only felt that way one other time in my life, and that was when I was in treatment. I had to leave even though I really wanted to stay and be "normal."

This is just another example of why an eating disorder is not JUST  a "food thing." It comes with many "side effects" as I like to call them. Social anxiety, depression, general anxiety, OCD, and other things that can (not always) come along with ED. ED plays these cards to weaken you and find a way to regain his power over you. Last night he won. He played the depression card first, and them WHAM the social anxiety card.

I hope I never have to experience that again. Last night just reinforced how blessed I am to have such amazing supports. Nick, even though he didn't understand, was very patient and loving. My mom was very sympathetic and gentle. My friend calmed me down on the phone and made me feel not so crazy by understanding what I was going through. Another plus about getting treatment: you make great friends that understand what you are going through like no one else can! To every one there last night, I apologize for leaving so suddenly and not socializing. I hope this helps you understand as much as one possibly can understand.

PLEASE Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Christmas Wrap Up

The holidays are always very stressful. You have to make sure to get everyone a gift, stay on a budget, and make it to as many family dinners as possible. It is easy to miss the enjoyment of Christmas. I was very fortunate to not have any food anxiety this year. I didn't even think about food during the dinners! That is very exciting. Just two Christmases ago I was crying at the end of the night and refusing to eat anymore because I felt so gross. I am very proud of myself. 

For Christmas Nick is designing me a beautiful necklace for my recovery. It is so important to surround yourself with people that support you and realize how important your recovery is to you. 

I am considering starting a group at school for students that have ED, know someone with ED, and just those suffering from poor body image. I am not sure how to start it or even if it would do well. The thought of no one coming to a meeting is really embarrassing. I want to help any one that I possibly can, but the possibility of failure makes me hesitant to do anything.

Hope every one had a great Holiday!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Small Interruption

Last week was finals week for school and things got extremely busy! Now that I am done with school for a few weeks I am going to pick back up where I left off: Taking care of myself! Tomorrow I plan on sleeping in! I would also like to take a little time to journal tomorrow. I used to journal all the time, but now I just push things aside and do what I have to do. There are things I just ignore because I don't have the time to deal with them at the time. Ignoring problems is not healthy and does not solve anything. Problems don't just disappear. I hope to get some things off of my chest and find some peace within myself.

That's the plan!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3