I am at a tough spot in my recovery...letting go of the obsession. For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how I look, the shape of my body, and worrying about what other people think of me. But now that I am spending the majority of my time working (like the adult I struggle to be) I am starting to see my priorities much more clearly. What used to obsess my time, now only concerns me. No doubt I still care about all of those things, but I am starting to realize my power over them is not as strong as I had always thought.
Yes, I can eat healthy (which I absolutely MUST) and dress nicely and do my hair and make up, but my control over my appearance ends there. How I look is how I look and that is the end of that! I have heard this sooo many times, but never understood it until now. Make up does not MAKE you pretty, it highlights the beauty you already posses.
A very big part of my eating disorder is triggered by my stomach. I hate how it looks, feels, moves and fills out clothes. I know I can work out, but I know I will lose control and over exersice. I can watch the things I am eating, but that leads to labeling foods as "good" and "bad" and slowly restricting meal by meal out of my day. The things Non-EDs (people without ED) can do to stay healthy and look good are the things that make me unhealthy and look sick. Just another twisted reality in the world of ED.
Sooooo, what I can do about the shape of my body is limited...I can choose not to sit on my butt, but I can't go for a jog. I can watch what I eat, BUT I have a quota that needs to be met no matter how I feel. Some people living with ED can exercise without losing control and spiraling into other behaviors, but it takes a lot of discipline and I am just not there yet.
All day at work today I was feeling and pinching my belly. On the way home I made up my mind that I would either go exercise or go swimming. I walked inside my apartment, saw Bella and Reece and the "need" and urgency I felt to exercise and change my belly went from a 10 to a 1. I missed them all day and they were so happy for me to be home, how could I leave them again to do something as selfish as doing an activity that I know will only lead me down a destructive path. They need me just as much as I need them. They remind me everyday why I work so hard and stay so strong.
At the end of the day it is not about the shape of my body, the way I look or what other people think about me...it is about the love and support that you get from the people (and animals) that matter and doing everything you can to give them that love and support in return. We have all heard the saying "love is blind." Well, I believe it. The ones in life that TRULY love you don't see you for what is seen on the outside. They do not care if you are 60 pounds or 1 million tons, blonde and tan or pale and brunette (my personal favorite) they love you for the person you are. So don't stop being you!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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