I absolutely hate this roller coaster I am on, one day I am happy and recovering and the next I am stuck in a dark hole and can't focus. Today is one of those dark days. I have done nothing but criticize myself today. My belly is too round, my legs and arms are too jiggly, my face looks too "messy." It is hard to imagine myself ever being happy. I hate the way I look to the point that I am embarrassed of who I am. I feel desperate to escape this skin. I feel like someone zipped me in a fat suit and I can't get out. This doesn't feel like what I am supposed to look like. It is a very confusing feeling, I don't even know how to begin to put into words this feeling. I hope that tomorrow is a better day and that I can learn to love myself again.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
You Make the Call
Hello Loves!!! Not much going on lately, which has made it tough to blog. I do not want to bore you with my everyday because the whole purpose of this blog is to educate people on eating disorders and to help those dealing with them. My body image continues to be rocky, but it has not interfered with my meal plan. I am curious to know what you have questions about. I know ED is difficult to understand and you may have questions about how it plays a role in different aspects of life. You can either comment your questions here or on my Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/profil. e.php?id=826804410). Also, any topics you would like to know more about as far as life with ED goes, are welcome too!!! Don't leave me hanging please!! I will not name names either, so your questions will remain anonymous.
Stay Strong and Beautiful!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful!!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
How to Save a Life
Hello loves!! So you all know how much I love animals. My sister recently moved into a new apartment alone and has been wanting a cat. Last night at Nick's softball game, fate stepped in. We were getting ready to leave and a girl came up to us with two tiny kittens in her purse, she was trying to find them a home. The one looked just like my sisters first cat (that now lives at our dad's) Khloe, so I took him. He is so tiny and I know he will make her so happy. Coming home to little faces that are so happy to see you is the greatest feeling in the world. He is still very young and I have been bottle feeding him, it is a lot of work but to see my sister as happy as my pets make me is well worth it. She named him Shamrock. Tomorrow Shamrock has a vet appointment to get an overview of his health and for me to know how to take care of him. I have never seen, let alone taken care of, a kitten so small!!
Last time I wrote to you I was having some body image issues. Update: still having them. I can deal with the fact that I may always have severe body image issues, but the fact that I am sticking to my meal plan regardless is what is important. Some days are harder than others but I am getting through it and living MY life, not EDs life.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Last time I wrote to you I was having some body image issues. Update: still having them. I can deal with the fact that I may always have severe body image issues, but the fact that I am sticking to my meal plan regardless is what is important. Some days are harder than others but I am getting through it and living MY life, not EDs life.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Saturday, August 6, 2011
It's Not a Party Without ED!
Hello my loves! I am so sorry for not writing the past few days. I had a test done to check on my tummy and it had me pretty messed up for a few days. Things are fine, nothing major, which is very good news! Today was the family reunion for my Mom's side of the family. I got to see people I love very much that I do not get to see very often.
My Uncle told me he reads my blog sometimes and told me some very nice things. If you are reading Uncle Steve, everything you said meant the world to me and I will always remember what you said whenever I am feeling down. It is my family's support that keep me so strong.
Even though I was at a family reunion, not everyone there loved me. Guess who showed up uninvited....ED!! Big surprise, right? Before I even left my apartment I was feeling insecure, labeling myself as "weird" looking. Knowing there was nothing I could do about it, I just went on with my day. Being around family makes the anxiety of feeling "weird" looking easier since they love you no matter what. I was doing fine until it was time to eat. I filled up my plate and enjoyed my meal. I even went back for a few extra snacks. The body sensation of being "full" is just unbearable. ED's irritating voice was yelling at me and putting me down even more. I ignored his criticism and enjoyed my family. Now it is the end of the evening and I feel enormous. I am feeling pretty low, but am keeping my head up. I have a lot of distractions in mind to keep me focused.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
My Uncle told me he reads my blog sometimes and told me some very nice things. If you are reading Uncle Steve, everything you said meant the world to me and I will always remember what you said whenever I am feeling down. It is my family's support that keep me so strong.
Even though I was at a family reunion, not everyone there loved me. Guess who showed up uninvited....ED!! Big surprise, right? Before I even left my apartment I was feeling insecure, labeling myself as "weird" looking. Knowing there was nothing I could do about it, I just went on with my day. Being around family makes the anxiety of feeling "weird" looking easier since they love you no matter what. I was doing fine until it was time to eat. I filled up my plate and enjoyed my meal. I even went back for a few extra snacks. The body sensation of being "full" is just unbearable. ED's irritating voice was yelling at me and putting me down even more. I ignored his criticism and enjoyed my family. Now it is the end of the evening and I feel enormous. I am feeling pretty low, but am keeping my head up. I have a lot of distractions in mind to keep me focused.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Another New Start
Hello loves! I am on vacation from work this week to get a couple of doctors appointments in. One of those being with my new therapist on campus. We met today and I really like her. She is very nice and I think her and I will get some good work done. I told her I would like to work on trusting people and finding peace and confidence in who I am as a person. I already have accepted the fact that I am what I am and nothing is going to change drastically about my appearance, now I just need to be confident and happy with who I am.
The past couple of days I have been tough on myself about the size of my belly, but I have been having issues with my stomach and think it may be why I am a little more bloated than usual. I am going to get a test done on Thursday to hopefully get some answers about why my tummy is causing me problems. I am getting nervous though about what it could be. No matter what it is, I know it will be nothing I can't handle. I have already gotten through so much in my twenty years of life.
In a few weeks, a friend and I are going to start taking either a zumba or yoga class at school. Her and I are both a little self conscious about our bodies and think working out together would help us. I already told my new therapist about it and told her I will need her help to not let working out get out of control or cause me to restrict.
Well Friends, it is shark week and I am sleepy, so I am gonna relax. I will check in tomorrow hopefully!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
The past couple of days I have been tough on myself about the size of my belly, but I have been having issues with my stomach and think it may be why I am a little more bloated than usual. I am going to get a test done on Thursday to hopefully get some answers about why my tummy is causing me problems. I am getting nervous though about what it could be. No matter what it is, I know it will be nothing I can't handle. I have already gotten through so much in my twenty years of life.
In a few weeks, a friend and I are going to start taking either a zumba or yoga class at school. Her and I are both a little self conscious about our bodies and think working out together would help us. I already told my new therapist about it and told her I will need her help to not let working out get out of control or cause me to restrict.
Well Friends, it is shark week and I am sleepy, so I am gonna relax. I will check in tomorrow hopefully!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Little Belly, Big Problem
The past few days have been really good except for being too aware of my belly. It feels and looks so big. I have been comparing a lot and putting my self worth on the size of my waist. I haven't restricted, though the desire is there. It is so strange how I can post about not wanting to take action toward my insecurities one day and the next write about wanting to starve myself. But then again, nothing with eating disorders make sense. I know rationally my tummy is not that big, and that it is a normal, healthy sized stomach, but since it does not have defined abs...that means it is fat an unattractive. I am doing the best I can do at taking care of myself and getting done what needs to get done. The worst thing I can do right now is give ED more attention.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Understanding Life
I am at a tough spot in my recovery...letting go of the obsession. For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how I look, the shape of my body, and worrying about what other people think of me. But now that I am spending the majority of my time working (like the adult I struggle to be) I am starting to see my priorities much more clearly. What used to obsess my time, now only concerns me. No doubt I still care about all of those things, but I am starting to realize my power over them is not as strong as I had always thought.
Yes, I can eat healthy (which I absolutely MUST) and dress nicely and do my hair and make up, but my control over my appearance ends there. How I look is how I look and that is the end of that! I have heard this sooo many times, but never understood it until now. Make up does not MAKE you pretty, it highlights the beauty you already posses.
A very big part of my eating disorder is triggered by my stomach. I hate how it looks, feels, moves and fills out clothes. I know I can work out, but I know I will lose control and over exersice. I can watch the things I am eating, but that leads to labeling foods as "good" and "bad" and slowly restricting meal by meal out of my day. The things Non-EDs (people without ED) can do to stay healthy and look good are the things that make me unhealthy and look sick. Just another twisted reality in the world of ED.
Sooooo, what I can do about the shape of my body is limited...I can choose not to sit on my butt, but I can't go for a jog. I can watch what I eat, BUT I have a quota that needs to be met no matter how I feel. Some people living with ED can exercise without losing control and spiraling into other behaviors, but it takes a lot of discipline and I am just not there yet.
All day at work today I was feeling and pinching my belly. On the way home I made up my mind that I would either go exercise or go swimming. I walked inside my apartment, saw Bella and Reece and the "need" and urgency I felt to exercise and change my belly went from a 10 to a 1. I missed them all day and they were so happy for me to be home, how could I leave them again to do something as selfish as doing an activity that I know will only lead me down a destructive path. They need me just as much as I need them. They remind me everyday why I work so hard and stay so strong.
At the end of the day it is not about the shape of my body, the way I look or what other people think about me...it is about the love and support that you get from the people (and animals) that matter and doing everything you can to give them that love and support in return. We have all heard the saying "love is blind." Well, I believe it. The ones in life that TRULY love you don't see you for what is seen on the outside. They do not care if you are 60 pounds or 1 million tons, blonde and tan or pale and brunette (my personal favorite) they love you for the person you are. So don't stop being you!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Yes, I can eat healthy (which I absolutely MUST) and dress nicely and do my hair and make up, but my control over my appearance ends there. How I look is how I look and that is the end of that! I have heard this sooo many times, but never understood it until now. Make up does not MAKE you pretty, it highlights the beauty you already posses.
A very big part of my eating disorder is triggered by my stomach. I hate how it looks, feels, moves and fills out clothes. I know I can work out, but I know I will lose control and over exersice. I can watch the things I am eating, but that leads to labeling foods as "good" and "bad" and slowly restricting meal by meal out of my day. The things Non-EDs (people without ED) can do to stay healthy and look good are the things that make me unhealthy and look sick. Just another twisted reality in the world of ED.
Sooooo, what I can do about the shape of my body is limited...I can choose not to sit on my butt, but I can't go for a jog. I can watch what I eat, BUT I have a quota that needs to be met no matter how I feel. Some people living with ED can exercise without losing control and spiraling into other behaviors, but it takes a lot of discipline and I am just not there yet.
All day at work today I was feeling and pinching my belly. On the way home I made up my mind that I would either go exercise or go swimming. I walked inside my apartment, saw Bella and Reece and the "need" and urgency I felt to exercise and change my belly went from a 10 to a 1. I missed them all day and they were so happy for me to be home, how could I leave them again to do something as selfish as doing an activity that I know will only lead me down a destructive path. They need me just as much as I need them. They remind me everyday why I work so hard and stay so strong.
At the end of the day it is not about the shape of my body, the way I look or what other people think about me...it is about the love and support that you get from the people (and animals) that matter and doing everything you can to give them that love and support in return. We have all heard the saying "love is blind." Well, I believe it. The ones in life that TRULY love you don't see you for what is seen on the outside. They do not care if you are 60 pounds or 1 million tons, blonde and tan or pale and brunette (my personal favorite) they love you for the person you are. So don't stop being you!!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)