Challenge Update

I did not get a chance to post yesterday, but I did do something for myself. I went to kohls with the intention to buy myself a new dress for Christmas. Buying a new dress would require me to try on clothes, and it was after dinner time so it would be a challenge. However, I reminded myself that the number on the tag of the dress does not make me who I am and that I deserve to feel beautiful for Christmas! I did not find any dresses that I was crazy about, so I treated myself to a new pair or booties.

Today has also been busy. The day started at 5 am taking Nick to the hospital for knee surgery. In the waiting room I did homework then spent the rest of the morning taking care of Nick and making him comfortable. This afternoon I had a presentation to give and a three hour lecture to attend. So, what did I do for myself today to embrace recovery? I took a nap in between my two classes. My body was exhausted! I listened to what my body was telling me and took care of it. I did not judge my body,  I respected it and nurtured it. My body has always taken care of me, allowing me to do everything that I need it to do. Even when I didn't take care of it, my body kept strong. I now have a new respect for my body. It truly is an amazing machine. My goal is to not judge it as a size, but respect it and take care of it for the precious gift that it is.

It may not seem like much, but with ED even those small gifts to yourself are not allowed. ED would tell me that it was selfish to spend my money on myself or that I am wasting my time napping, I should be doing something productive. He would call me selfish and lazy for doing the things that I did. I did those things for myself without judgement...without ED. I know my recovery is working when I can do something, realize what ED would say about the situation and do it anyway despite him.

Sorry ED...I am in control this time.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Recovery Challenge

It is the holiday season. I do not know one person, with ED or not, that does not find the holiday season stressful and triggering. I am guilty of engaging in harmful ED behaviors lately have decided not to let ED steal my holidays. I am dedicating December to a recovery challenge. I am already a few days behind, but from here on out I will do something every day that is about embracing recovery. The plan is to post each night about what I decided to do to take back power in my recovery.

Tonight, blogging was my act of recovery. I have been bad about keeping you all posted on my struggles and victories. This is my way of spreading awareness and the blunt realities of eating disorders. It is my duty to shed light on the reality of the disease. So, tonight by writing, I am playing my part in stealing EDs power. Eating disorders are such a secretive and "shameful" disease to a lot of people, and ED feeds off of this stigma. By writing, I am hoping to make that stigma disappear-taking away a little more power from ED. For all of you suffering out there here is what I have to say: There is NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You have a disease as real as cancer, it is NOT your fault. If you continue to keep your disease a secret, you are only giving your disease power. That being said, you don't have to tell the world you have an eating disorder, but you should not feel ashamed if you do choose to tell someone. For every (supportive) person you tell and seek help from, you are winning the battle. And that is something to be very proud of!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Confusion in Recovery

Lately I have been struggling with my anorexia again, fighting urges to restrict. This time, I have no serious poor body image motivating the urges. It is as though I just simply don't want to eat, or feel it is all that important. I feel just fine eating only three meals a day (I am supposed to eat 6). When I look in the mirror I do not criticize my body all that much. I acknowledge it for what it is and go on with my day. That is nice- I will admit. However, it has me wondering if ED is taking a new approach. Maybe he is not making me obsess over my body image, but subconsciously reminding me at meal time by convincing me that it is not important to eat and it just doesn't matter. I do not know if that will make sense to any one else, I myself had trouble following my own train of thought! It is very complicated, but I have learned by now that everything with ED is complicated.

My days are busy with school, tutoring, work and homework. There is little time to socialize (even if I wanted to). Even time to talk to my mom is limited! My boyfriend works crazy hours and is not available most of the time when I need someone to talk to. It is a very lonely time in my life, yet very happy and exciting as well. I am loving school, loving tutoring and as I always have, loving my job. But, at the end of the day I feel like a no body. I hate to admit it, but I have to remind myself every day that I am worth living and have a purpose on this earth. Maybe it will pass, or maybe I will need to go back to a therapist to figure it out. Either way, I am not going to give up my fight.

Stay Strong & Beautiful! <3

Thank you M

In 2009 I went into treatment at a place in Columbus called the center for balanced living. The level of care I received took place in a building called M's place. That place saved my life, and M continues to save my life to this day. Today I got in touch with tons of men and women that know someone from M's place or have been involved with M's place. It is a safe place for us all to talk about our experiences and get the support that no one else can give. It could not have come at a better time.

Recently I have been feeling a little out of control with my body and eating. I don't feel comfortable in this body and have been getting thoughts of losing weight. Even fantasizing about being underweight again. It scares me to think that I would choose to kill my body to be small. The bad thing is, I know underweight is still never enough, I will still feel as uncomfortable in my body as I do right now at a healthy weight. The constant fight in my head, about not giving into ED knowing it will never make the voice go away and just giving in so that I will feel better in this moment is exhausting! I am tired of it to be quite honest. I am ready to live my life! I wonder when I will be done fighting, it may sound selfish but I can't help but feel like I have already made enough sacrifices for this disease. Doctors always say it is very possible that this disease will be a life long battle. The very thought of that is overwhelming and depressing.

Every time I talk to someone going through the same thing as me, I feel inspired. For every one of you who have shared your stories and fight with me, I thank you with all of my heart. There are some days that your strength is what keeps me fighting also. We are all in this together! We will never give up because we have too much to offer to the world.

Tonight I am making a list of things I want for my future, as a reminder that there is no future if I were to give into ED's lies. He will kill me, but my dreams will save me along with your support and bravery to share your stories with me.

My Future:
-Marry my best friend
-Be a mother to beautiful and healthy babies
-Make an impact on a child's life as a teacher
-Buy a house with a big back yard
-Open an animal shelter
-Advocate Eating Disorders
-Love my body


Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Big Vent

I am way over due for a post. There is a million things going on in my life right now, some I will post about, others are too private. Everything around me is changing beyond my control and that is one of the biggest triggers of mine. The biggest trigger being stress, which occurs with change, so needless to say ED is LOUD. Within a week I will be taking a math final, moving out of my apartment and starting at an entirely new college. Too much for one week if you ask me. The thought of packing all of my stuff is enough to make me want to hide under my covers and hope it just magically gets done. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't trying to move while working and going to school. I know people do it all the time, but with an eating disorder it is a million times harder. What does food have to do with moving and changing schools, right? Well a ton. My emotions and mental health have EVERYTHING to do with how I eat and how I view my body. Negative emotions and negative mental state and I am 300 pounds. Sunny day where everything is going right, I am beautiful and fine with my body. It is how I cope with my emotions and what is going on in my life. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone, I am not going to to try to explain it. I guess it is one of those things that will never make sense to people unless they experience it first hand or are close with someone who does.

Another thing that is changing is my boyfriend's career. I am very happy that he got a new job that he enjoys and will make better money, but the new hours are really killing my heart. I knew going into it that it would be tough, but I am finding out that there is more to it than just when I will see or hear from him. Last night was the first night we got to see each other after a full week of work. His hours are sooo crazy that he is beyond exhausted. So, when I am really excited to see him and tell him about what is new, he is tired and ready for sleep, and vice versa. We are on opposite sleeping schedules, so it has me worrying if we will ever get real quality time together where neither of us wants to sleep :( I feel like a horrible girlfriend to him for complaining about the new routine and letting my emotions step in instead of just sucking it up. I have said it before, if there wasn't a million other things going on at the same time, the new job would not be nearly as evil as it seems right now. I wouldn't blame him if he left after how crazy I have been this past week. Hopefully he knows me well enough to know it is just me being emotional and protective of our relationship and will continue to be patient with me like he always is. I swear he is the most patient human being in the world. He is patient with me when I annoy myself. There is a reason I worry about losing him or our relationship failing. I don't think anyone else in the world could love me or understand me as well as he does.

I feel so emotionally drained right now that I don't want to do anything!!! Sorry if this has been a huge pity party, but I have been crying for the last hour and just needed to get all of these thoughts out of my head so I can continue with my day as best as I can.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Weighted Fears

I know I just posted, but I need to get more off of my mind. All of my friends and family have sent their love my way and it has helped me a lot. I wish I could realize that there is more to me than my body size. In the past three years I have come a long way in realizing more about myself than my appearance, but when I feel like this it is hard to even care about those traits. I feel like even though I have other positive traits, I will be nothing if I am not small. I am embarrassed for my boyfriend to see me when I feel like this because I feel like that is grounds to leave me. Why would he want to stay with me if I am gaining weight? That is a huge fear of mine. For a long time now I have made my body size the determining factor on whether or not I am deserving of love. The bigger I feel or look, the less I deserve to be loved. It is ridiculous I know, but it is a serious belief and fear of mine.

I appreciate all of everyone's support on getting me through tonight. It means the world to me to know I am not alone.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

ED took the day

Today was flat out rough. I woke up in a blah mood and had no motivation get out of bed. All day I felt this way. After breakfast and lunch it just got worse. After my pre-work nap it seemed as if I had gained 20lbs all in my stomach. To me I look about 5 months pregnant and I want to cry. I struggled all day to just get through. I am so uncomfortable that I tried to work out but got so upset that I was giving into my Eating Disorder urges that I stopped. Now I am writing with the most hopeless feeling my heart. I pray that tomorrow is a better day because I don't know if I can handle another day like today.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3 (I'm trying to)