I am finally getting over my cold and my stomach flu. Hopefully they stay away! I have so much going on that being sick just makes everything a million times harder. School has been keeping me pretty busy! The NEDA walk is this Saturday so I am getting last minute things together for that! I am still battling it out with ED. Food is still taking priority in my mind. I have been able to get three meals in the past few days and a few small snacks. I feel so enormous and uncomfortable. I want to get sick but I know that won't help things at all.
Lately it seems like everywhere I look I see someone who looks like they are anorexic and I get jealous. ED points out how thin they are and that they are still functioning. He makes me feel like a loser for not being thin like them. Healthy is not thin, healthy is just.....average. There is nothing special about it, nothing that makes you stand out from the crowd. You are probably saying to yourself, "why do you want to be noticed for looking like a skeleton?" I guess my answer to that would be that it seems like being thin always has a positive stigma to it. Every where you look people are talking about trying to lose weight, to me that says being how they are currently isn't good enough but being thinner would be better. I have always been asked to help out with chores because I was small and could do jobs only a small person could...that always made me feel really special. In class I look around to see if it came down to it I would be the smallest in the room. I get devistated when I am not. That means I am doing something wrong and the smaller person is doing it correctly. I am so fed up with this disease, it takes up so much time and effort from me and I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have it. Would I be doing more with my life? I can't help but wonder.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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