The phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side," is taken to the extreme when you live with an eating disorder. Not only is the grass greener, it is prettier, thinner, more attractive and more desired. Everything about that damn grass over there is just perfect. As you all know I walked across the street to the greener grass when I got my spray tan. My pale complexion has always been something I have been self conscious about and even when I took action and changed it, I still hated how I looked. ED was not happy even when I was tan like he has always said I should be. He told me all week how it didn't look natural, everyone who said it looked good was only lying to me because they knew I needed to hear it looked okay, and that I am a fake. It is true, I didn't feel like myself. There were times I actually felt pretty, then ED reminded me that I had to change myself to be pretty and I felt ugly once again. He is such a hypocrite, before the tan I wasn't pretty and I should change and when I do, still not good enough and I am stupid for changing. This whole week has been a paranoia ED hell. I got so sick of it that today, hands trembling, I began scrubbing my body. Of course it doesn't miraculously come off so now I look like a giraffe, all spotted brown and white. I am trying to refrain from going back into the tub and scrubbing all night, but I know I will come off in time, I just need to be patient and keep scrubbing. Hopefully this trip through hell will help me appreciate my natural porcelain skin....doubtful with ED.
Finals are finally over and summer has begun. Tomorrow I have my last therapist appointment with the girl I have been with all quarter :( After my dad and I are going to look at an apartment and then the night belongs to me and my family :)
Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3
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