Not Even Perfect Will Do

Today's therapy appointment was really good, I think it may have changed the way I fight ED. My therapist, Sarah, asked me to draw the "perfect" me. The task was very anxiety provoking, but I did it. When I gave her the picture with the list of "perfect" attributes she asked me a good question: If you were all of these things would you be happy? I said that if I had all of those things then I would quit thinking I was ugly...but Sarah went further. She brought up the attribute "thin."

"When you were sick and underweight, were you thin enough?" The answer is obviously no! When I was teeny tiny, in my eyes I was still fat and still had weight to lose. From there she asked; since I was never thin enough when I was underweight, what would make me think that possessing this picture of "perfection" would be "perfect" enough? She totally opened up my eyes today to the fact that this "perfection" I have been on a mission to become would never be good enough for ED. So now what? It is clear now that ED will never love me or change is vision of "perfect" to fit what I already am, but what now? Now, I am done trying to change me, and am dedicating my recovery to changing ED. I can't change who I am or what I look like, but I can change how he talks to me and how much power I give his words.

First step....accept something easy. I chose to accept my hair. For the next week (surprise, I have one more week with her!!!) I will be paying attention to how I let go of ED's power over my hair. I will challenge his words when I get ready and any time throughout the day. When I am doing my hair I need to tell him to get over himself because this is my hair and this is what it is going to look like today. I hope I can do it!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3