My body is not me

The title of this post may be a bit misleading, but I am going to explain why I chose it:

While my body is mine and in this moment, I am content with my shape, it is not who I am. I am a person not a body. My body shape does not tell the world that I am a sister, a girlfriend, a best friend, a mentor, a shoulder to cry on, or a person with a very big heart and passion for helping others. My body shape does not tell the world that I am a woman that has a love for teaching and strives to be a positive role model. My body shape does not tell the world that I am out to change the world!

Challenge yourself to see yourself as a person and not a body. The person is within and cannot be represented by our appearance. The mirror can never give us an accurate image of who we are as people and who you are as a person is what matters most in this world.

Stay strong and beautiful! <3

Picking up the pieces

I used to be so good at posting on regular basis, but lately I have been bad! My passion for advocacy and change remains as strong as ever. In fact, it has multiplied. I recently lost a friend due to a very tragic accident. Knowing her was truly a gift and I have no doubt that her role in my life saved me from continuing down my dark path. Before her passing, she was advocating for education in the school system about eating disorders. I am so proud of her for that. The truth about ED is ugly, I have shared some of the ugly truths on here, but the fight should not me a lonely one. The more educated parents are about ED, the sooner they can get help for their child and be as supportive as possible. Something else that needs to change is the insurance coverage of treatment. For many suffering, treatment is a long term thing and not one bit of it is affordable! Inpatient care costs tens of thousands of dollars. Then there are the outpatient costs that you need to take care of if you want the progress made in inpatient to last and mean anything. I know that I can't fix all of those problems, but I hope that by spreading awareness I can help save lives of those that I encounter.

Here is a video I found from Project HEAL on facebook. A very inspiring song by Sara Bareilles. I challenge everyone to be brave and say what you feel is important. You never know who is listening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwTr_CRw3GY

Stay Strong and Beautiful <3

Never Stop Fighting

This June will celebrate my fourth year in recovery. Day one I thought that at this point I would be "cured," but I am still a work in progress. I have said before that I was extremely fortunate enough to have insurance coverage for my treatment. There are people that I met that either had limited insurance coverage or no coverage at all and were not able to receive the appropriate amount of treatment necessary for a successful recovery. It is not fair. Eating disorders are as deadly as cancer. Like cancer there are different levels of severity, early treatment has the highest recovery rates, relapses are unpredictable, and the person with the disease did not ask for it, nor do they want it! I have tried to make the comparison before, but this article I read today really does a great job at painting the picture. Eating disorders may not be able to be seen through x-rays, body scans, or even with the naked eye, but their danger is extremely real. If you are or someone you know is having trouble paying for ED treatment, this article gives some tips for getting more insurance coverage. Also there is a wonderful organization called Project HEAL that helps people that cannot afford their treatment. No matter what tries to stop you from beating ED, keep fighting. Recovery is worth everything!

Article:

http://www.nasdaq.com/article/how-to-fight-for-coverage-of-eating-disorder-treatment-cm204789#.UOt9jm9fC8B

Project HEAL:
http://theprojectheal.org/

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

New Year, New Start

A lot of people think that the start of a new year will make things all better. The truth is, New Years is not magic. All of the problems you had last week will still be there, they don't magically disappear at the end of the year. However, the new year is an opportunity to change your attitude and start fresh. Truthfully, you could really do this any day of the year, but on New Year's Eve everyone tends to reflect on the past year and wish for better things in the new year. Like others I too reflected on the past year. There certainly were some challenging times, but I wouldn't expect any year to be challenge free. Usually I don't make resolutions, but this year I thought of a few things I want to work on that will make me happier.

1. Be a better girlfriend- I am currently a pretty kick ass girlfriend, but I would like to be more trusting.

2. Hang out with friends more- I have a tendency to let school consume me and leave no time for fun. This year I want to make more time to be a 21 year old and go out with friends and have fun. This will also help with my intense social anxiety!!

3. Watch more tv- Again, I spend so much time on school work that I rarely sit back to just watch some tv. This one might be hard to do!

4. Quit biting my fingers- My worst habit!! Going to be tough to quit!

5. Reduce/stop fat talk- I want to accept myself more as I am. If I have a negative thought I want to just let it go and accept myself in the moment.

Those are the improvements I have decided to work on for 2013!! Happy New Year!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Mamma Fell Off Her Rocker

Lately I have been struggling with comparing myself to others and feeling "good enough." Last night I completely lost control of everything! I woke up feeling very empty and just numb about life. Later in the afternoon we went to Nick's friend's house to hang out with some friends and my anxiety just went through the roof. I couldn't stop comparing myself the other girls there and judging myself for not connecting with anyone. I felt very out of place, although looking back I was not out of place. The longer we stayed the worse my anxiety and ED voice got. I had only eaten once so far and had hormones going crazy on top of ED. It was just the perfect storm. I went to sit alone to calm down and just started crying. Once I started crying there was no stopping it. Nick kept asking what was wrong but I didn't have an answer for him because I didn't know myself what was wrong! I felt completely out of control and not even in my own body. It is the scariest feeling and have only felt that way one other time in my life, and that was when I was in treatment. I had to leave even though I really wanted to stay and be "normal."

This is just another example of why an eating disorder is not JUST  a "food thing." It comes with many "side effects" as I like to call them. Social anxiety, depression, general anxiety, OCD, and other things that can (not always) come along with ED. ED plays these cards to weaken you and find a way to regain his power over you. Last night he won. He played the depression card first, and them WHAM the social anxiety card.

I hope I never have to experience that again. Last night just reinforced how blessed I am to have such amazing supports. Nick, even though he didn't understand, was very patient and loving. My mom was very sympathetic and gentle. My friend calmed me down on the phone and made me feel not so crazy by understanding what I was going through. Another plus about getting treatment: you make great friends that understand what you are going through like no one else can! To every one there last night, I apologize for leaving so suddenly and not socializing. I hope this helps you understand as much as one possibly can understand.

PLEASE Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Christmas Wrap Up

The holidays are always very stressful. You have to make sure to get everyone a gift, stay on a budget, and make it to as many family dinners as possible. It is easy to miss the enjoyment of Christmas. I was very fortunate to not have any food anxiety this year. I didn't even think about food during the dinners! That is very exciting. Just two Christmases ago I was crying at the end of the night and refusing to eat anymore because I felt so gross. I am very proud of myself. 

For Christmas Nick is designing me a beautiful necklace for my recovery. It is so important to surround yourself with people that support you and realize how important your recovery is to you. 

I am considering starting a group at school for students that have ED, know someone with ED, and just those suffering from poor body image. I am not sure how to start it or even if it would do well. The thought of no one coming to a meeting is really embarrassing. I want to help any one that I possibly can, but the possibility of failure makes me hesitant to do anything.

Hope every one had a great Holiday!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Small Interruption

Last week was finals week for school and things got extremely busy! Now that I am done with school for a few weeks I am going to pick back up where I left off: Taking care of myself! Tomorrow I plan on sleeping in! I would also like to take a little time to journal tomorrow. I used to journal all the time, but now I just push things aside and do what I have to do. There are things I just ignore because I don't have the time to deal with them at the time. Ignoring problems is not healthy and does not solve anything. Problems don't just disappear. I hope to get some things off of my chest and find some peace within myself.

That's the plan!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Making Time

Taking time to truly embrace recovery is hard to do when there is so much going on! I still have work that I would like to get done so that tomorrow I can give all of my time to taking care of Nick. However, I know that I also need to care for myself and take time to acknowledge my recovery. I have called it a night for homework and am going to spend the rest of my night painting my nails and making a page in my scrapbook dedicated to recovery and respect for my body.  I will post a picture of the finished product!

I am starting to notice that by making time to acknowledge my recovery has really instilled a deeper respect and pride in myself. What I am fighting is tough and I don't mind saying that I am doing a hell of a job. I go to school and get all A's (occasional B's), I tutor two children that require me to make a lot of lesson plans, and I have a long distance relationship. I know a lot of people my age balance the same things, but I also fight a deadly disease every day on top of all of that. It certainly is not easy, but is without a doubt worth it. The time I am taking to really reflect on all of the hard work I put into recovery and fighting ED has really helped. I feel more power over my disease because of this new found self respect. 

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Challenge Update

I did not get a chance to post yesterday, but I did do something for myself. I went to kohls with the intention to buy myself a new dress for Christmas. Buying a new dress would require me to try on clothes, and it was after dinner time so it would be a challenge. However, I reminded myself that the number on the tag of the dress does not make me who I am and that I deserve to feel beautiful for Christmas! I did not find any dresses that I was crazy about, so I treated myself to a new pair or booties.

Today has also been busy. The day started at 5 am taking Nick to the hospital for knee surgery. In the waiting room I did homework then spent the rest of the morning taking care of Nick and making him comfortable. This afternoon I had a presentation to give and a three hour lecture to attend. So, what did I do for myself today to embrace recovery? I took a nap in between my two classes. My body was exhausted! I listened to what my body was telling me and took care of it. I did not judge my body,  I respected it and nurtured it. My body has always taken care of me, allowing me to do everything that I need it to do. Even when I didn't take care of it, my body kept strong. I now have a new respect for my body. It truly is an amazing machine. My goal is to not judge it as a size, but respect it and take care of it for the precious gift that it is.

It may not seem like much, but with ED even those small gifts to yourself are not allowed. ED would tell me that it was selfish to spend my money on myself or that I am wasting my time napping, I should be doing something productive. He would call me selfish and lazy for doing the things that I did. I did those things for myself without judgement...without ED. I know my recovery is working when I can do something, realize what ED would say about the situation and do it anyway despite him.

Sorry ED...I am in control this time.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Recovery Challenge

It is the holiday season. I do not know one person, with ED or not, that does not find the holiday season stressful and triggering. I am guilty of engaging in harmful ED behaviors lately have decided not to let ED steal my holidays. I am dedicating December to a recovery challenge. I am already a few days behind, but from here on out I will do something every day that is about embracing recovery. The plan is to post each night about what I decided to do to take back power in my recovery.

Tonight, blogging was my act of recovery. I have been bad about keeping you all posted on my struggles and victories. This is my way of spreading awareness and the blunt realities of eating disorders. It is my duty to shed light on the reality of the disease. So, tonight by writing, I am playing my part in stealing EDs power. Eating disorders are such a secretive and "shameful" disease to a lot of people, and ED feeds off of this stigma. By writing, I am hoping to make that stigma disappear-taking away a little more power from ED. For all of you suffering out there here is what I have to say: There is NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You have a disease as real as cancer, it is NOT your fault. If you continue to keep your disease a secret, you are only giving your disease power. That being said, you don't have to tell the world you have an eating disorder, but you should not feel ashamed if you do choose to tell someone. For every (supportive) person you tell and seek help from, you are winning the battle. And that is something to be very proud of!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Confusion in Recovery

Lately I have been struggling with my anorexia again, fighting urges to restrict. This time, I have no serious poor body image motivating the urges. It is as though I just simply don't want to eat, or feel it is all that important. I feel just fine eating only three meals a day (I am supposed to eat 6). When I look in the mirror I do not criticize my body all that much. I acknowledge it for what it is and go on with my day. That is nice- I will admit. However, it has me wondering if ED is taking a new approach. Maybe he is not making me obsess over my body image, but subconsciously reminding me at meal time by convincing me that it is not important to eat and it just doesn't matter. I do not know if that will make sense to any one else, I myself had trouble following my own train of thought! It is very complicated, but I have learned by now that everything with ED is complicated.

My days are busy with school, tutoring, work and homework. There is little time to socialize (even if I wanted to). Even time to talk to my mom is limited! My boyfriend works crazy hours and is not available most of the time when I need someone to talk to. It is a very lonely time in my life, yet very happy and exciting as well. I am loving school, loving tutoring and as I always have, loving my job. But, at the end of the day I feel like a no body. I hate to admit it, but I have to remind myself every day that I am worth living and have a purpose on this earth. Maybe it will pass, or maybe I will need to go back to a therapist to figure it out. Either way, I am not going to give up my fight.

Stay Strong & Beautiful! <3

Thank you M

In 2009 I went into treatment at a place in Columbus called the center for balanced living. The level of care I received took place in a building called M's place. That place saved my life, and M continues to save my life to this day. Today I got in touch with tons of men and women that know someone from M's place or have been involved with M's place. It is a safe place for us all to talk about our experiences and get the support that no one else can give. It could not have come at a better time.

Recently I have been feeling a little out of control with my body and eating. I don't feel comfortable in this body and have been getting thoughts of losing weight. Even fantasizing about being underweight again. It scares me to think that I would choose to kill my body to be small. The bad thing is, I know underweight is still never enough, I will still feel as uncomfortable in my body as I do right now at a healthy weight. The constant fight in my head, about not giving into ED knowing it will never make the voice go away and just giving in so that I will feel better in this moment is exhausting! I am tired of it to be quite honest. I am ready to live my life! I wonder when I will be done fighting, it may sound selfish but I can't help but feel like I have already made enough sacrifices for this disease. Doctors always say it is very possible that this disease will be a life long battle. The very thought of that is overwhelming and depressing.

Every time I talk to someone going through the same thing as me, I feel inspired. For every one of you who have shared your stories and fight with me, I thank you with all of my heart. There are some days that your strength is what keeps me fighting also. We are all in this together! We will never give up because we have too much to offer to the world.

Tonight I am making a list of things I want for my future, as a reminder that there is no future if I were to give into ED's lies. He will kill me, but my dreams will save me along with your support and bravery to share your stories with me.

My Future:
-Marry my best friend
-Be a mother to beautiful and healthy babies
-Make an impact on a child's life as a teacher
-Buy a house with a big back yard
-Open an animal shelter
-Advocate Eating Disorders
-Love my body


Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Big Vent

I am way over due for a post. There is a million things going on in my life right now, some I will post about, others are too private. Everything around me is changing beyond my control and that is one of the biggest triggers of mine. The biggest trigger being stress, which occurs with change, so needless to say ED is LOUD. Within a week I will be taking a math final, moving out of my apartment and starting at an entirely new college. Too much for one week if you ask me. The thought of packing all of my stuff is enough to make me want to hide under my covers and hope it just magically gets done. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't trying to move while working and going to school. I know people do it all the time, but with an eating disorder it is a million times harder. What does food have to do with moving and changing schools, right? Well a ton. My emotions and mental health have EVERYTHING to do with how I eat and how I view my body. Negative emotions and negative mental state and I am 300 pounds. Sunny day where everything is going right, I am beautiful and fine with my body. It is how I cope with my emotions and what is going on in my life. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone, I am not going to to try to explain it. I guess it is one of those things that will never make sense to people unless they experience it first hand or are close with someone who does.

Another thing that is changing is my boyfriend's career. I am very happy that he got a new job that he enjoys and will make better money, but the new hours are really killing my heart. I knew going into it that it would be tough, but I am finding out that there is more to it than just when I will see or hear from him. Last night was the first night we got to see each other after a full week of work. His hours are sooo crazy that he is beyond exhausted. So, when I am really excited to see him and tell him about what is new, he is tired and ready for sleep, and vice versa. We are on opposite sleeping schedules, so it has me worrying if we will ever get real quality time together where neither of us wants to sleep :( I feel like a horrible girlfriend to him for complaining about the new routine and letting my emotions step in instead of just sucking it up. I have said it before, if there wasn't a million other things going on at the same time, the new job would not be nearly as evil as it seems right now. I wouldn't blame him if he left after how crazy I have been this past week. Hopefully he knows me well enough to know it is just me being emotional and protective of our relationship and will continue to be patient with me like he always is. I swear he is the most patient human being in the world. He is patient with me when I annoy myself. There is a reason I worry about losing him or our relationship failing. I don't think anyone else in the world could love me or understand me as well as he does.

I feel so emotionally drained right now that I don't want to do anything!!! Sorry if this has been a huge pity party, but I have been crying for the last hour and just needed to get all of these thoughts out of my head so I can continue with my day as best as I can.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Weighted Fears

I know I just posted, but I need to get more off of my mind. All of my friends and family have sent their love my way and it has helped me a lot. I wish I could realize that there is more to me than my body size. In the past three years I have come a long way in realizing more about myself than my appearance, but when I feel like this it is hard to even care about those traits. I feel like even though I have other positive traits, I will be nothing if I am not small. I am embarrassed for my boyfriend to see me when I feel like this because I feel like that is grounds to leave me. Why would he want to stay with me if I am gaining weight? That is a huge fear of mine. For a long time now I have made my body size the determining factor on whether or not I am deserving of love. The bigger I feel or look, the less I deserve to be loved. It is ridiculous I know, but it is a serious belief and fear of mine.

I appreciate all of everyone's support on getting me through tonight. It means the world to me to know I am not alone.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

ED took the day

Today was flat out rough. I woke up in a blah mood and had no motivation get out of bed. All day I felt this way. After breakfast and lunch it just got worse. After my pre-work nap it seemed as if I had gained 20lbs all in my stomach. To me I look about 5 months pregnant and I want to cry. I struggled all day to just get through. I am so uncomfortable that I tried to work out but got so upset that I was giving into my Eating Disorder urges that I stopped. Now I am writing with the most hopeless feeling my heart. I pray that tomorrow is a better day because I don't know if I can handle another day like today.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3 (I'm trying to)

Advocating ED

Tonight was my speech at my Mom's Kiwanis club. All day I was calm and confident about talking, but once I got to the venue, I was shaking from head to toe! I was able to meet some of the member before my speech which helped a lot! I was able to gauge who my audience was, and from my first impressions they were very nice people. One of my biggest fears going into this was that the audience would not be interested, or understanding of the topic. I guess tonight really taught me to never prejudge.

My mom introduced me and had me tearing up before I was even able to begin. Once I swallowed my tears I went right into it. I started by asking the members what they already knew about ED. I got some great responses. After I felt everyone who wanted to contribute had, I started my power point. Public speaking has never been a natural thing for me, so I said a few (lots) more "ums" than I would have in my mind, and probably fidgeted a lot, but I got through it. After I told my own story, I used some resources from NEDA's website to give some statistics. At the end there were lots of questions, which excited me! I could tell they were all very interested in learning more about ED.

Being able to see the reactions of those I was speaking to and have a conversation about eating disorders was a very empowering experience for me. It was the first time I felt like the past three years of work have actually been worth something! I know my health should be worth all of the work I have put into my recovery, but seeing how my story has effected the people I spoke to meant the most to me. At the end of the meeting most of the member came up to me and complimented (which made me feel great), some opened up about their loved ones who have dealt with ED or other mental struggles. To know that what I was talking about was relevant to them and meant something to them made all of the nerves seem silly! I walked away from the experience proud and on a high that I had changed some lives tonight. Even got a few more ideas of things that I need to add to my next speech :)

Thank you to all of the Xenia Kiwanis members for listening to me tonight and participating in the conversation. Together we are making changes!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Stuck in a Low...

Last week was rough! Fought the flu all week while continuing to go to school and work. I am feeling stressed, it seems like school is getting busy and I am feeling like I am not doing as well with my jewelry business as I would like. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. During all of this I have been feeling very lonely, like I am all on my own. Although I know am not, ED does what he can to isolate me whenever he can.  I hate him in that way. His attempts to isolate me are still a battle I need to learn how to fight. I eat healthy and keep a steady, healthy weight, but he is still there...and in some cases, still winning small battles. I know in time I will learn how to deal with this form for bullying too, but for now, I am left feeling alone and getting through each day as it comes.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Flu Bug Fun

The past three days have belonged to the flu :( no fun! It is so hard taking care of yourself and two animals when you can barely get out of bed! But I did it somehow. I am getting better, keeping food down but still very low on energy.

ED has behaved himself since I have been sick which I am very grateful for! My speech is next Tuesday and I'm getting nervous! I am also very excited though, this is something I have always wanted to do since I found my power in my disease. This is my chance to change someone's view of ED with my experience. I hope those of you reading that have recovered or are recovering from ED realize how much power you have over your disease. Recovery is in your hands, all you have to do is grip it and run with it!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!

Insecurities

We all have our insecurities. Some more than others, personally, I feel like I have too many to count. At times my insecurities can be crippling. There are days I feel so fat, or ugly that I don't want any one to see me, so I don't leave the house if possible. Other days I get so insecure about who I am as a person that comments made by others (including harmless comments) stick with me and replay through my mind to the point that it becomes personal.

Lately I have been feeling insecure about how I do not look, and at times act, my age. I work with kids, so I tend to take on their care-free spirit which can be childish, I am aware, but I also know that it makes me a happier person than most. I wonder if that is something I should change, or if it is ok and is just who I am? I also feel insecure about the age I look, I am 21 and people guess 15 or 16. It makes it hard to be taken seriously as a woman and as a girlfriend. I know Nick sees me as a woman, but I feel like I look at other couples and the woman is so sophisticated. I feel lost right now, like I don't know who I am or who I should be.

"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation" -Herman Melville


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

How to Save a Life

Today I was thinking about my speech again, and I got to wondering something; How do you approach/help someone you suspect may have an eating disorder?

I thought back to my own experience. Initially I had told my mom that I was not eating well and needed her help, but as my disease progressed, I no longer wanted the help that I initially asked for. My family and friends grew increasingly concerned about my health with the more weight I lost. The disease poisons your mind and turns you against the ones that love you. You don't see the need to get help, and their constant concern becomes irritating. So what do you do?

This is a question I have been struggling with for a while. I see people all over, on campus, at the store, with frail bodies that catch my eye. Because of what I have been through, I want to help them and tell them it can get better, but how do you approach that. Obviously I cannot go up to every skinny stranger and ask them if they have an eating disorder. But, how do you give them enough to know you care and understand what they are going through? I certainly don't want to make them uncomfortable, or make their battle any more difficult, however, I feel almost obligated to do SOMETHING. What if I am the only person that can recognize the disease, what if no one else says anything and they never get help? It is no doubt a very difficult thing to see a beautiful girl with a look of fear and emptiness in her eyes and knowing you can help her, but not knowing how to get that far!

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face" -Eleanor Roosevelt

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3