Dead Brain

I totally had something good to write about earlier, but after 11 hours of classes, I lost it. Food was still a little challenging today, but I was so busy that I didn't have time to put off my meals. For the most part of the day ED was quiet. In my art class we had to say something interesting about ourselves to help the teacher get to know us. It took me forever because when it comes to making myself special or different from other people I go blank. He doesn't let me be special. The only thing in my head is "there is nothing special about you." What an awful thing to hear about yourself.  I am feeling a little stressed about the homework I received today. It really isn't a lot, but I have a bad sense of time. In all reality I have five days to most of my work and an entire week for my art assignments, but I feel like I need to get them all done before the weekend! UGh!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Is it Ed or just a cold?

It was sooo hard to get out of bed today. I ended up sleeping past noon. When I did get up I still had no energy. I got my school things organized and got my homework done. Since I had my breakfast at noon, I didn't eat lunch until about 3 o'clock. I knew I needed to make up for my morning snack so I made an entire box of mac n cheese and made some chicken nuggets. In the past I have had no trouble eating a whole box of man n cheese, it is tough but it is a food I enjoy. I was able to eat all of my chicken nuggets, but only about half of my mac n cheese. I just had no taste for it at all. As soon as I was done eating, I laid down and fell asleep. For dinner I put some left over taco meat with some pasta and made taco bake, another one of my favorites. Just like lunch, I ate a few bites and just couldn't finish it. I talked to my dad for some support. I decided to just do some Michael Jackson dancing and come back to the food. It didn't help, so I drank a supplement.

I can't figure out if my trouble eating today is Ed taking advantage of my school anxiety or if I am getting sick. My nose has been stuffy for a few days and today I was drained of energy. Ed's voice was quiet today so I don't know. I guess time will tell. I just hope I eat better tomorrow, I don't want to tease my body into thinking we are going back into starvation mode.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

It is MY birthday, Ed!!!!

Today (well yesterday since it is after midnight) was my 20th birthday!!!! I can't believe I am 20, oh my gosh!! It seems so crazy to think that in the next 5 years or so I will possibly be married and having kids! Good grief! I am in no hurry for that though, there is enough going on right now.

The morning routine went pretty smoothly, not many judgments from Ed. I was just excited about hearing from my family and friends. Once I got to school though, it was a different story. My anxiety of not knowing anyone in my classes and not knowing what to expect in my new classes caused me to drop my guard, and Ed snook in.

In my first class, I sat at the first empty table I could find. I let other people sit around me. A girl from a previous class of mine ended up sitting across from me and two of her guy friends joined her. After doing a group activity I felt more comfortable around my new friends. Ed had a few rude comments to say about my interactions with new people, criticizing things I said and making me feel dumb for having said them. UGH!!

After that class was my lunch break, I didn't eat much of my lunch though. I think the stress, loudness of Ed, and the distraction of my birthday were just too much for me to handle at once.

The next class of the day was History. I knew one of the guys from my morning class was in there. When I walked in, he was the only one I recognized, so I sat next to him. Ed instantly judged me, calling me mean names. During class he started asking me questions including lots of questions once he found out I had a boyfriend. It made me really uncomfortable and really annoyed especially since I was trying to pay attention to the teacher! ED made me believe that I was a bad girlfriend to Nick for having chosen to sit by this guy and that I was a "dirty whore." I know that is horrible, but I believed him. I left school feeling as if I had been unfaithful! Looking at it now I realize ED was just being a jerk and that I did nothing wrong by making new friends. He was the one that crossed a line with me and made me feel uncomfortable. I was open with Nick about it and he reassured me that he was not upset about it but would teach the guy a lesson if needed ;)

I would never do anything to hurt Nick. He understands me, and is patient with my emotions and challenges I face with ED. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I hope he realizes that. I can't even look at other boys because I know there is nothing better out there for me, I already have him.

After all of that, I went to my Dad's for dinner and some time with my family time. We had yummy tacos and got ice cream :) Since I didn't eat much of my lunch I was able to eat ice cream and not feel "guilty" about it. Ice cream is a big trigger for me. I have such strong memories of getting sick after eating ice cream. I will spare you the nasty, nasty details, but all of the images and feelings of the action are just STUCK in my mind with every spoonful of ice cream I eat. I know how it looks after it has been eaten, so I see that image just sitting in my stomach, doing nothing but taking up space and making me feel fat.

After some family time I went to Nick's. We talked with his mom for a while and cuddled while watching Teen Mom 2. He got me a beautiful necklace with a little help from my mom. He truly is amazing. My entire family is. All day my phone was blowing up with calls, texts, and Facebook alerts of comments. I felt soooo important. It was a cool feeling. People wish you a happy birthday that you thought didn't even realize you existed. Pretty neat feeling. Hope every one had a great day!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Manic Monday

SO glad it is finally bed time! I worked all day so Ed was mute, which was nice. My priority was on the kids, no time for ED. Eight straight hours of little ones with no break! I'm more than exhausted. When I got home I made tacos for dinner and got my things ready for class tomorrow. I am very anxious about the new quarter. All day my stomach has been upset and my hands shaking like crazy. They haven't shaken that badly in a long time. I hope that tomorrow's stress and nerves don't invite Ed to be loud because it is my birthday and I do not want to be upset on my birthday.

For my birthday I got a wii and tonight I started by "Body by Michael" work out. Nothing strenuous because that would be triggering, but just a few dances from the Michael Jackson dance game for Wii. It is so much fun and I feel the sensation of getting a good exercise after I am done. I limit myself to a half hour which is plenty of time to get sweaty!!

Sorry this is so short, not much to say today. It was a good day and I am very grateful for that.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

What a Day!

Today was a day filled with emotions. Ed started off strong, critiquing my clothes, how my body looked in them and how my face looked in the mirror. He got me down. At that point I wanted to just get back in bed and not let anyone look at me. I was embarrassed of who I was. Knowing that wasn't an option, I battled through. At my Mom's, we had some family over for another birthday dinner. I received some amazing gifts. My biggest surprise was one from my mom. She worked with a friend to design a tee shirt for team EDucate. It is light purple (the color of Eating disorder awareness ribbons remains a bit of a mystery. It is Periwinkle but it appears purple and blue sometimes.) with a butterfly that says "Stay Strong and Beautiful" on the front and team EDucate on the back with the website for the blog. It meant the world to me and what was even better was the fact that the man making them offered to donate a shirt to every walker. That kind of support blows me away. In the beginning of recovery I told no one because I was afraid they didn't understand it and would judge me. I have family members that are JUST NOW learning about my disease, two years later! Now that I understand that what I have is a disease I am not afraid to tell people and am amazed at how people are so understanding. Mental illnesses are better understood now than ever before and that helps when you are in recovery. Telling people is still hard and you have to do it when you are truly ready, trust me you will know. When the fear of being judged becomes "who cares, I can't help I have a disease anymore than a person with cancer can" you will be ready. Who you are is special and unique. Every one is different and that is what makes a person beautiful. If we were all the same beauty wouldn't exist. The fact that you have something that makes you different, makes you beautiful. Like most things with ED this is easier to say than to believe, but it takes practice. Learning to eat again takes practice, learning to deal with emotions again after being numb takes time, so does seeing your beauty and believing in yourself. I'm still practicing, but I know it is worth it.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

No Limits

Today was great! I had my birthday dinner with my family at Olive Garden and celebrated with my boyfriend's family as well. But in the midst of all the happiness I realized that I lost my house key. I was freaking out, retracing every step and going back to every place I had been. My last hope was at the gas station by my house, the first place I had been. Not there. I met Nick back at my apartment and had to wait for 45 minutes for my roommate to come save the day. I was so upset and couldn't stop blaming myself for being so irresponsible. I began to cry and even snap at Nick when he did nothing wrong. ED blamed me for being irresponsible and for being a bad girlfriend. I took my emotions out on my innocent boyfriend. I told him I was sorry for being mean to him and he understood and didn't take it personally. I just hate how ED can take even the most random of unfortunate events and turn it into an attack on my character. It is like no one else in the world loses their keys unless they are irresponsible. That isn't true and I know that but in the moment I believed him. It is easy to look back now with a rational mind now that I am in my house, but frustrating still. He is heartless and doesn't care about anything but ruining my life and self worth. I won't let him. He can get me down in moments of weakness but he will not keep me there.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Friday Rap-up

Today was such a wonderful day despite the lousy weather. I got to sleep in and had some yummy chocolate chip waffles for breakfast! This afternoon I snuggled up with Bella and watched a movie. Had dinner with my sister, cousin, aunt and a close friend. I love them so much. We talked about a lot of things, and one of them being my blog. My cousin said she doesn't read much because it is hard for her to read the things I have to go through with my disease. I totally respect that, but hope she knows that the beauty of being in recovery is that the bad days become fewer and fewer. It will always be a struggle but it won't always be so hard. Every body has good and bad days and we know different ways to deal with them and get through them. People with eating disorders are no different, we wake up every day not knowing if it will be a good or bad day. Like everyone else, we wish for a good day and take every moment as it comes. When you have been to Hell and back with an eating disorder you really put into perspective how fragile life is and how it can easily be taken away. Life is hard for everyone for different reasons. We can't control what challenges life will present us with, but we can control how we deal with those challenges. We can either sit back and focus on the negative and just be miserable, or we can find the good in every situation, fight with all of our might and feel the miracle of being alive.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

ED say what???!!!

The one thing I hate to do more than just about anything is the one thing Ed wants me to do right now-Exercise! I am so aware of every part of my body and can feel it and it just feels so mushy and lazy and gross. I am cringing writing this, thinking about my legs in particular. It is as if my thighs have NO muscle in them whatsoever. I know that isn't true because I wouldn't be able to stand if I didn't have muscle, but that isn't good enough for him.  I hate my body, I hate how it feels and I hate how it looks. Continuing to eat when all you want to do is feel the sensation of starvation is a job. A job in which I wake up every morning dreading getting out of bed to do what I know I HAVE to do.

I have these ruminating thoughts about working out. Running on the treadmill and getting off feeling the way I imagine it feels to be ED's idea of perfection. I hate running and know if I were to get on that treadmill I would cry and feel even worse for have doing so. I just want to feel good. I want to feel, healthy, attractive, and worthy. I hate this feeling and the anxiety that goes along with it. The worst part is, the only thing I can do about it is sit with it and hope it passes. My chest is tight and I have the anger inside to punch something really hard and just cry. I don't know what to do this all of this.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

New Friends, Old Friends

Lately I have been talking to an old friend and getting close once again. It feels so good and more like life before ED. She is very special to me and I am glad we can move on and be friends again. :) I met a new friend today, a dog from a few porches down. His name is Bazooka Joe and such a sweet heart. Gives me the fix of having a dog without having to get up early and take him out in the cold!

Not much ED action today, which is nice! Been lazy today, haven't felt too great. I enjoyed lounging around with Bella watching movies and taking a few naps.

I am walking in an eating disorder awareness walk in May and a few more of my family members have donated toward my team. Thank you so much! So far team EDucate has raised over $400! Keep up the good work!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Today We Tied

All day I have had a ton of things going through my mind of things to tell you. Let's hope I can remember it all.

The morning started out great. I got to sleep in and work never called me in, so the day belonged to me. Within a few hours I would be sharing my free time with Ed. Since the moment I woke up my motivation level to do anything was at 0. First was the fight to get out of bed, which is hard for everyone, then came the struggle to get myself in the shower. I didn't see the point since I was just going to my Dad's to do laundry and be lazy, but Ed convinced me I looked gross and dirty, so i turned on the water. I admit the shower woke me up and make me feel better about my appearance. That was all until I left the house.

I had an errand to run for my mom, so I was running to the mall. For those of you who have never discovered this for yourself, here is my word of wisdom: NEVER look at yourself in the rear view mirror of your car. It is made to see things behind you clearly at a quick glance so when you look at yourself in it, you can see so close up that you can pretty much see every individual skin cell. It is not a good thing to do! With or without Ed, you will see things you don't wanna!! SO... I went against my better knowledge and looked into the mirror. That was the open door for Ed, from that moment on, he made himself comfortable in my mind ALL DAY.  The entire time walking through the mall I looked into every mirror and reflective surface I could find. None of them made me feel better about what I saw in the rear view mirror.

On the way to my Dad's I stopped at Taco Bell for lunch, the entire time getting there giving myself a pep talk. I have had Taco Bell lots of times and never gained weight or died from it. It fits in my meal plan and it is time for lunch. No matter what you say, Ed, I need lunch. At home I ate my lunch, it was hard to enjoy with my mind focusing on the feeling of my stomach. You know how when you eat you begin to feel full and that is your body telling you it is satisfied and you can stop eating? Well for me and others with eating disorders, that feeling is instant weight gain and loss of power. I'm not talking a few ounces or even pounds, we're talkin' 50-100s of pounds instantly. The frenzy begins. I start touching, pushing, pinching my tummy, my heart races, my hands shake and I want to run to the bathroom immediately. Without going into disturbing detail I will just say running to the bathroom is not to be alone, it is to get rid of the anxiety, the bad feeling...the food. Not every meal feels like this, but one is more than enough for a lifetime.

After the lunch was tackled, I took some deep breaths and focused on the next task at hand, laundry. I put some in the washer and read a little about infants for my work training and took a nap. When I woke up I new it was time for a snack, so I munched on some cheese its and a few nilla wafers. As soon as I was finished, he started in again. "You are so fat and disgusting for eating that, it is not what your meal plan tells you to eat for a snack. Now you are just putting unneeded food into your fat body."  A new tactic; using my meal plan and recovery against me. Clever, I must admit, so clever I bought it. Again, the "post-meal attack" began. It doesn't help that when you have starved yourself for so long your body changes, so now even though I feed myself, I VERY rarely feel hungry or even like I have room for food to fit in my body. So eating even when I still feel full really does make you feel like a fat ass! (sorry) For the rest of the evening I felt guilty for having that snack. Dinner and snack (which was ice cream with the family)  were also followed by "post-meal attacks."

So basically, it was a very uncomfortable and challenging day. I say we tied because Ed was strong, convincing and succeeded at putting me down and taking my confidence. BUT! I strong at eating against his taunting and that is worth all of the work he did combined.

I also wanted to give a special thank you to the family members that have left me encouraging and loving messages. It means so much and helps me through days like this one.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Heeeeeeeeeee's Baaaaaack!!!!

Oh my goodness!!!! I know I already posted tonight and thought I would be passed out asleep by now, but I have just been relaxing and snacking on some chocolate covered raisins. I have been having some tummy troubles lately so I have been eating more raisins in my meal plan. I searched what raisins do to your body if you eat too many in case some of my constant tummy trouble was getting worse from the raisins. All I could find was that too much raisins cause weight gain. Now I have this stigma attached to raisins. I feel absolutely nuts right now. Every time I eat a raisin, I can literally feel my stomach growing, yes GROWING! I know it is not real because I have seen people eat raisins and other foods before and their stomaches did not swell with every bite, but I feel like I am the exception. Ed says "you're getting fat, you're gaining weight, you are gross," with every raisin I eat. A freaking raisin!! Ugh Just needed to get that out.

It is Going to Be An Early Night

This morning I am sound asleep in bed and the phone rings...it's work! Total bummer way to start Spring Break, but I love my job. Even a full 8 hours at work goes fast! Kids are so fun to work with but so much work! My body is exhausted from chasing around two year olds all day. I have such a rewarding job, even if it wakes me up early on Spring Break. So it should go without saying, I don't think I will be up much longer to do my normal post at 10.

As far as my battle with Ed goes, we have gotten along fairly well today. I was too busy at work to catch a glimpse of my appearance let alone judge it. Even though today wasn't a break from work, it was kind of like a break from ED and I loved it! Hopefully tomorrow will be a little slower paced!

Thank you to the friend that added herself to our list of followers and also to the friend that sent me a person message on my Facebook. Both are greatly appreciated. I have heard you are spreading the word to friends and that is so exciting. Together we are helping the world learn more about eating disorders and get the hope of recovery to those in need. We are a team in this fight! Thanks to all of you for your support. I hope you all had the best Monday that a Monday can possibly be!

Stay strong and Beautiful! <3

Your Turn

Today was a really, and I mean REALLY lazy day. It was wonderful, so not much to talk about for today. Had a few battles in front of the mirror but I had the strength to walk away and find something else to do.

For the past few days, I have given you a look inside the life of Eating disorders. It is emotional, difficult, and overall the journey has been rewarding. But now, I want to know you are listening. Some of you have talked to me on facebook, but as a girl with and eating disorder, ED tells me what I'm doing is pointless. It is your turn to help me take him down. I need your help in proving him wrong. Not only will your support help encourage me, but it will shut that horrible voice up in my head saying I am just wasting my time. So PLEASE, follow the blog and leave comments. I don't care if they say "read the blog" just SOMETHING to prove to this horrible disease that I am stronger than him and maybe even making a difference. Thank you to friends and family that have already followed me and posted comments. It has become one of my OCD habits to check the status of my blog a million times a day. Every time I see a new view I get soo excited, so I want to hear your reactions and thoughts!! 

Hope you all had a great weekend and I hope to hear from you all very soon!! 

Stay strong and beautiful <3

Through the Eyes of ED

Woke up this morning with Bella (my cat) snuggled by my side and a cool breeze coming through the window. Turned the t.v. on to take my time waking up. For breakfast I had a big bowl of cinnamon toast crunch...yum! This afternoon my sister, mom and I went for some spa treatments. They got massages and I got a facial...I'm weird about people touching me. Might be an ED thing, I haven't really figured that one out, maybe it is just one of my quarks. As I was putting my robe on for my facial I saw my stomach, there it was sticking out and lookin' huge. I wanted to cry right there in the spa room, but I knew it was ED so I took a deep breath and covered up the trigger. The relaxing music and heated bed were a wonderful distraction, but once the facial was over I would have to face my fear again...my naked body. People complete the task of dressing and undressing every day, unfortunately it is one of my biggest challenges. It makes me feel crazy. I know what I'm seeing isn't real but yet I believe it to be true.

"It is JUST a tummy," I repeat over and over. Why do I put so much emphasis on my stomach? It doesn't make me who I am and I know that, yet I feel like it defines me as attractive or not. That leads to the other ruminating thought, Why the hell do I care if I am attractive? I have a boyfriend that loves me just the way I am and a family that loves me and wouldn't change their feelings of be if I was 1,000 pounds! I just don't get it, I really don't. At times that is the most frustrating thing to deal with. I know what triggered my eating disorder to begin and I know the triggers of my behaviors but I don't know WHY my appearance matters so damn much! It is so hard not knowing why I am the way I am. My family and doctors tell me I'm not crazy, but having an eating disorder makes you feel crazy.

So many aspects of my daily life are so different from "normal" people. There is not a moment of the day that I am not talking to myself in my mind.  You might be thinking "well a lot of people do that, it is normal." I know a lot of people talk to themselves to remember what they are doing next or to remind themselves of a forgotten thought. My inner dialog is me talking to myself and my eating disorder.  A typical conversation is like this:

I'm putting my make up on and getting ready to go to school.

• ED: You have huge dark circles under your eyes, you look disgusting
• Me: I can't help that I have dark circles, it runs in my family and doesn't change who I am.
• ED: Your stomach looks big. You have been eating a lot lately, you shouldn't eat much today, you certainly don't need it. It won't hurt you to skip a few meals or snacks for just today.
• Me: I need to eat all of my meal plan no matter what you say. Skipping only a few escalates to me not eating at all, then next comes puking and I am not going back there.
• ED: If anyone comments on your appearance it is because you look bad and they are lying to you. 

It never stops, he ALWAYS has something else to say.  I am never good enough...never. Some days I do have the strength to respond to him the way I did above, being rational and protecting my body whether I like how it looks or not. But there are always those days where what he is saying is how I am feeling and I give in and believe him. Like today in the spa room, he said "your belly button is really deep, that means you are fat." Even though I had the strength to go about my day and eat the way I needed to, I still believed him and to this very moment feel like my stomach is too big. I WANT to restrict but I won't. It takes just as much will power to go against his advice as it does to stick to a diet. Everyone knows sticking to a diet is VERY challenging. Well, so is sticking to a diet that keeps you alive. You know you need it but you just don't want it. 

The Day is Done.....Thank goodness!

My chemistry final went alright, we had to write every answer so it took a while!! I think I did well. I went to my mom's this afternoon and saw him driving. Yes, the HIM that I call ED. I haven't seen him in probably a year and haven't talked to him in about two. Seeing him made me sick. In theory, I am strong and have let go of the past and can see the silver lining to my disease, but seeing him made me feel 2 inches tall. I got that feeling in my chest like you get when you have a close call on the road or how you feel when you forget to do something really important. That feeling of a hole going right through your chest. After the initial shock of seeing him, I went numb. I felt exactly the way I did when I was with him, small, meaningless, and empty. My sister and I went shopping and in the changing room I was so critical, I just kept putting myself down. It was awful. I felt so alone in the world. I talked to my friends about seeing him and they made me feel better by saying how I am a better person and have turned my life into a good direction. One of them even told me how it would be good to forgive him so I could have peace with myself. At first it sounded good, let it go and move on happily, but I have done that. I have moved on from what he did to me and I did let it go.  I certainly don't dwell on it every day or let my anger towards him take over, but seeing him makes it all so real. It isn't just something bad that I lived through and got stronger from, it is something that is real and still there reminding me. He made me feel powerless and even just the sight of him makes me feel powerless still! I am just not ready to forgive him, what he did to me was not right and changed my life COMPLETELY. I am so grateful for those changes, but I wish I would have taken a different rout to those changes. I want him to feel bad, I want him to have consequences for his actions. I had to deal with the consequences from his actions and it is NOT fair. I hate that there is that ED part of me that still wants his approval, it makes me sick to even have that thought. Because of what he did to me, I have found an amazing friend and a wonderful man who loves EVERYTHING about me, like I always dreamed.  I can now say I don't HATE him, but I certainly do not forgive him. Not sure if I ever will.

Spending the evening laughing with my family really helped. I love them so much! They were the perfect distraction for me. On the way home I heard the song "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele and turned it up loud!! It said everything I was feeling and made me feel empowered once again.

Chemistry Final!!!

I have about an hour before I have to take my chemistry final.  I am so nervous!! So far ED hasn't said much, just a few insults on the shape of my body. I have eaten my breakfast already and thinking of all the food left to eat today is a bit overwhelming. Tonight we are celebrating my sister's birthday at my mom's house so I will be around a lot of supports and I know I will enjoy their company. Wish me luck on my final!!! I'll let you know how it all went later tonight.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope everyone wore their green today! Today was a little challenging for me. I was busy today, volunteering in my brother's classroom and working.  The kids were pretty wound up today at work and I had a tough time with them. After work I got to go to see my love, Nick. He cheered me up pretty quickly.  All day I have been pretty self conscious and had a very low body image. Nick does a good job of making me feel beautiful but I just wanted to cover up  so he couldn't see the curves of my body. I look at my stomach and want to cry, it feels big and to me looks enormous. I get so disgusted with my appearance that it can ruin my entire day. Normally, having a few rowdy kids in my class wouldn't ruin my day, but today it really brought me down.  My ED turned it into it being my fault the kids weren't behaving. "I am not a good teacher." "I will never be a good teacher, I should just give up." Pretty discouraging stuff from old ED today. He is so annoying and I hate how he can ruin a perfectly good day. The weather was gorgeous outside these are the days I usually embrace being alive more than ever! Tomorrow is my chemistry final and I have been so depressed today about how I look that I have no energy to study. I am emotionally exhausted! All I can do is hope for the best. My fear is that ED will creep up before the test telling me I am not smart enough, or I didn't study enough because I was lazy and I will be so put down by my own mind to do the best I can. I already plan on having a nap and catching up on tivo after my exam no matter how I feel coming out. I have worked very hard in that class this quarter and need to focus on the big picture and reward myself for that. That is easier said than done. We'll see how it goes! **Fingers crossed**

...the last word

In high school, I was in a rough relationship.  Nothing about me was ever good enough: my grades, my appearance, my social life...nothing mattered. I didn't matter. It didn't matter how upset or heartbroken he would make me, I always tried harder. It never once crossed my mind that he was the one that wasn't good enough.  All I wanted was to feel loved and needed. He had the power to break me down with his words, and that is exactly. He had the power to make me starve myself. He knew I was doing it and encouraged the behavior.  The more weight that fell off of my bones, the more affection she showed and the more beautiful and loved I felt. It seemed he had won.

After graduating from high school my parents put me into a partial hospital rehab program. I spent 6 hours a day learning how to have a positive relationship with food and most importantly, myself. After weeks of being in denial of my disease, I began to see things with a clearer, healthier mind. I opened up with my case worker and the other girls in the program about my relationship. My case worker classified it as "abusive." I never imagined it that way, but the more she explained it to me, it was absolutely that. I had always thought of abusive relationships as being physical violence, but words can be just as abusive as physical contact. He never put a bruise on my body, but he left an enormous scar on my heart and soul.  I was no longer me, he stole everything from me that made me who I was.

Talking about the situation with the girls and my counselors, it was easy to see that his words and actions of manipulation turned me into ED's little puppet. Like the relationship, I did everything to satisfy ED even though it put my safety in danger. Through the program I gained so much, weight (like it or not), a clear mind, emotions, friends, and the strength I never knew I had.

Today I had lunch with my mom, and I was telling her about how I can now look back on the past two years and be grateful for my eating disorder. Sounds twisted, I know. But when I add up all of the positive things I have gained through this journey, it outweighs the negative experiences by far. I still feel anger toward the person that hurt me so deeply, but I can sleep well at night knowing in the end I got the last word by surviving :) He had the power to break me down, but no one but myself had to power to build myself back up. I know for a fact that I will live a happier and more fulfilling life than he ever will. There are no doubts in my mind that he will look back someday at how he treated me and so many other girls and know what he did. He will never again have a girl like me, because he doesn't deserve girls like me.

 So, if you are at a time in recovery where it is tempting or seems like it would be easier to just give in to your eating disorder, or are still fully engaged in your behaviors and see no reason to get help...remember this.  The process of GETTING better sucks. I'm not going to lie it flat out stinks! It is hard and painful and full of many uncomfortable emotions and body sensations. But nothing worth while ever came easy.  The struggles and tears are what make the victory much more meaningful.  I am not just eating to stay alive and please my family anymore. Now, I am eating to live MY life and to take care of MY body.

Day 1

Living with an eating disorder is not living at all. For the past year and a half I have been in recovery from anorexia, and I am beginning to see what life without ED (eating disorder) is like. In 2008 I started starving myself and losing weight. I had very strict habits and had punishments for not following my "rules." Within months I had lost nearly 15 pounds, weighing in at under 100 pounds.  I had lost so much more than just weight, I had no emotions or energy. As soon as I got home from school I would sleep until my family ate dinner and I pretended to do the same. It is such a powerful disease and honestly it is scary as hell! I am so glad I got the help I needed. Even in recovery ED pokes his ugly head into my life when I am vulnerable and it is my life long responsibility to put myself first and always fight to win.  The purpose of this blog is for me to put my feelings out there about the daily struggles of being in recovery and to hopefully make a difference in someone else's life.  If I can inspire just one person to love themselves enough to get help, that is worth every hardship I have faced.