The one thing I hate to do more than just about anything is the one thing Ed wants me to do right now-Exercise! I am so aware of every part of my body and can feel it and it just feels so mushy and lazy and gross. I am cringing writing this, thinking about my legs in particular. It is as if my thighs have NO muscle in them whatsoever. I know that isn't true because I wouldn't be able to stand if I didn't have muscle, but that isn't good enough for him. I hate my body, I hate how it feels and I hate how it looks. Continuing to eat when all you want to do is feel the sensation of starvation is a job. A job in which I wake up every morning dreading getting out of bed to do what I know I HAVE to do.
I have these ruminating thoughts about working out. Running on the treadmill and getting off feeling the way I imagine it feels to be ED's idea of perfection. I hate running and know if I were to get on that treadmill I would cry and feel even worse for have doing so. I just want to feel good. I want to feel, healthy, attractive, and worthy. I hate this feeling and the anxiety that goes along with it. The worst part is, the only thing I can do about it is sit with it and hope it passes. My chest is tight and I have the anger inside to punch something really hard and just cry. I don't know what to do this all of this.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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