Today We Tied

All day I have had a ton of things going through my mind of things to tell you. Let's hope I can remember it all.

The morning started out great. I got to sleep in and work never called me in, so the day belonged to me. Within a few hours I would be sharing my free time with Ed. Since the moment I woke up my motivation level to do anything was at 0. First was the fight to get out of bed, which is hard for everyone, then came the struggle to get myself in the shower. I didn't see the point since I was just going to my Dad's to do laundry and be lazy, but Ed convinced me I looked gross and dirty, so i turned on the water. I admit the shower woke me up and make me feel better about my appearance. That was all until I left the house.

I had an errand to run for my mom, so I was running to the mall. For those of you who have never discovered this for yourself, here is my word of wisdom: NEVER look at yourself in the rear view mirror of your car. It is made to see things behind you clearly at a quick glance so when you look at yourself in it, you can see so close up that you can pretty much see every individual skin cell. It is not a good thing to do! With or without Ed, you will see things you don't wanna!! SO... I went against my better knowledge and looked into the mirror. That was the open door for Ed, from that moment on, he made himself comfortable in my mind ALL DAY.  The entire time walking through the mall I looked into every mirror and reflective surface I could find. None of them made me feel better about what I saw in the rear view mirror.

On the way to my Dad's I stopped at Taco Bell for lunch, the entire time getting there giving myself a pep talk. I have had Taco Bell lots of times and never gained weight or died from it. It fits in my meal plan and it is time for lunch. No matter what you say, Ed, I need lunch. At home I ate my lunch, it was hard to enjoy with my mind focusing on the feeling of my stomach. You know how when you eat you begin to feel full and that is your body telling you it is satisfied and you can stop eating? Well for me and others with eating disorders, that feeling is instant weight gain and loss of power. I'm not talking a few ounces or even pounds, we're talkin' 50-100s of pounds instantly. The frenzy begins. I start touching, pushing, pinching my tummy, my heart races, my hands shake and I want to run to the bathroom immediately. Without going into disturbing detail I will just say running to the bathroom is not to be alone, it is to get rid of the anxiety, the bad feeling...the food. Not every meal feels like this, but one is more than enough for a lifetime.

After the lunch was tackled, I took some deep breaths and focused on the next task at hand, laundry. I put some in the washer and read a little about infants for my work training and took a nap. When I woke up I new it was time for a snack, so I munched on some cheese its and a few nilla wafers. As soon as I was finished, he started in again. "You are so fat and disgusting for eating that, it is not what your meal plan tells you to eat for a snack. Now you are just putting unneeded food into your fat body."  A new tactic; using my meal plan and recovery against me. Clever, I must admit, so clever I bought it. Again, the "post-meal attack" began. It doesn't help that when you have starved yourself for so long your body changes, so now even though I feed myself, I VERY rarely feel hungry or even like I have room for food to fit in my body. So eating even when I still feel full really does make you feel like a fat ass! (sorry) For the rest of the evening I felt guilty for having that snack. Dinner and snack (which was ice cream with the family)  were also followed by "post-meal attacks."

So basically, it was a very uncomfortable and challenging day. I say we tied because Ed was strong, convincing and succeeded at putting me down and taking my confidence. BUT! I strong at eating against his taunting and that is worth all of the work he did combined.

I also wanted to give a special thank you to the family members that have left me encouraging and loving messages. It means so much and helps me through days like this one.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3