...the last word

In high school, I was in a rough relationship.  Nothing about me was ever good enough: my grades, my appearance, my social life...nothing mattered. I didn't matter. It didn't matter how upset or heartbroken he would make me, I always tried harder. It never once crossed my mind that he was the one that wasn't good enough.  All I wanted was to feel loved and needed. He had the power to break me down with his words, and that is exactly. He had the power to make me starve myself. He knew I was doing it and encouraged the behavior.  The more weight that fell off of my bones, the more affection she showed and the more beautiful and loved I felt. It seemed he had won.

After graduating from high school my parents put me into a partial hospital rehab program. I spent 6 hours a day learning how to have a positive relationship with food and most importantly, myself. After weeks of being in denial of my disease, I began to see things with a clearer, healthier mind. I opened up with my case worker and the other girls in the program about my relationship. My case worker classified it as "abusive." I never imagined it that way, but the more she explained it to me, it was absolutely that. I had always thought of abusive relationships as being physical violence, but words can be just as abusive as physical contact. He never put a bruise on my body, but he left an enormous scar on my heart and soul.  I was no longer me, he stole everything from me that made me who I was.

Talking about the situation with the girls and my counselors, it was easy to see that his words and actions of manipulation turned me into ED's little puppet. Like the relationship, I did everything to satisfy ED even though it put my safety in danger. Through the program I gained so much, weight (like it or not), a clear mind, emotions, friends, and the strength I never knew I had.

Today I had lunch with my mom, and I was telling her about how I can now look back on the past two years and be grateful for my eating disorder. Sounds twisted, I know. But when I add up all of the positive things I have gained through this journey, it outweighs the negative experiences by far. I still feel anger toward the person that hurt me so deeply, but I can sleep well at night knowing in the end I got the last word by surviving :) He had the power to break me down, but no one but myself had to power to build myself back up. I know for a fact that I will live a happier and more fulfilling life than he ever will. There are no doubts in my mind that he will look back someday at how he treated me and so many other girls and know what he did. He will never again have a girl like me, because he doesn't deserve girls like me.

 So, if you are at a time in recovery where it is tempting or seems like it would be easier to just give in to your eating disorder, or are still fully engaged in your behaviors and see no reason to get help...remember this.  The process of GETTING better sucks. I'm not going to lie it flat out stinks! It is hard and painful and full of many uncomfortable emotions and body sensations. But nothing worth while ever came easy.  The struggles and tears are what make the victory much more meaningful.  I am not just eating to stay alive and please my family anymore. Now, I am eating to live MY life and to take care of MY body.