The Day is Done.....Thank goodness!

My chemistry final went alright, we had to write every answer so it took a while!! I think I did well. I went to my mom's this afternoon and saw him driving. Yes, the HIM that I call ED. I haven't seen him in probably a year and haven't talked to him in about two. Seeing him made me sick. In theory, I am strong and have let go of the past and can see the silver lining to my disease, but seeing him made me feel 2 inches tall. I got that feeling in my chest like you get when you have a close call on the road or how you feel when you forget to do something really important. That feeling of a hole going right through your chest. After the initial shock of seeing him, I went numb. I felt exactly the way I did when I was with him, small, meaningless, and empty. My sister and I went shopping and in the changing room I was so critical, I just kept putting myself down. It was awful. I felt so alone in the world. I talked to my friends about seeing him and they made me feel better by saying how I am a better person and have turned my life into a good direction. One of them even told me how it would be good to forgive him so I could have peace with myself. At first it sounded good, let it go and move on happily, but I have done that. I have moved on from what he did to me and I did let it go.  I certainly don't dwell on it every day or let my anger towards him take over, but seeing him makes it all so real. It isn't just something bad that I lived through and got stronger from, it is something that is real and still there reminding me. He made me feel powerless and even just the sight of him makes me feel powerless still! I am just not ready to forgive him, what he did to me was not right and changed my life COMPLETELY. I am so grateful for those changes, but I wish I would have taken a different rout to those changes. I want him to feel bad, I want him to have consequences for his actions. I had to deal with the consequences from his actions and it is NOT fair. I hate that there is that ED part of me that still wants his approval, it makes me sick to even have that thought. Because of what he did to me, I have found an amazing friend and a wonderful man who loves EVERYTHING about me, like I always dreamed.  I can now say I don't HATE him, but I certainly do not forgive him. Not sure if I ever will.

Spending the evening laughing with my family really helped. I love them so much! They were the perfect distraction for me. On the way home I heard the song "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele and turned it up loud!! It said everything I was feeling and made me feel empowered once again.