Through the Eyes of ED

Woke up this morning with Bella (my cat) snuggled by my side and a cool breeze coming through the window. Turned the t.v. on to take my time waking up. For breakfast I had a big bowl of cinnamon toast crunch...yum! This afternoon my sister, mom and I went for some spa treatments. They got massages and I got a facial...I'm weird about people touching me. Might be an ED thing, I haven't really figured that one out, maybe it is just one of my quarks. As I was putting my robe on for my facial I saw my stomach, there it was sticking out and lookin' huge. I wanted to cry right there in the spa room, but I knew it was ED so I took a deep breath and covered up the trigger. The relaxing music and heated bed were a wonderful distraction, but once the facial was over I would have to face my fear again...my naked body. People complete the task of dressing and undressing every day, unfortunately it is one of my biggest challenges. It makes me feel crazy. I know what I'm seeing isn't real but yet I believe it to be true.

"It is JUST a tummy," I repeat over and over. Why do I put so much emphasis on my stomach? It doesn't make me who I am and I know that, yet I feel like it defines me as attractive or not. That leads to the other ruminating thought, Why the hell do I care if I am attractive? I have a boyfriend that loves me just the way I am and a family that loves me and wouldn't change their feelings of be if I was 1,000 pounds! I just don't get it, I really don't. At times that is the most frustrating thing to deal with. I know what triggered my eating disorder to begin and I know the triggers of my behaviors but I don't know WHY my appearance matters so damn much! It is so hard not knowing why I am the way I am. My family and doctors tell me I'm not crazy, but having an eating disorder makes you feel crazy.

So many aspects of my daily life are so different from "normal" people. There is not a moment of the day that I am not talking to myself in my mind.  You might be thinking "well a lot of people do that, it is normal." I know a lot of people talk to themselves to remember what they are doing next or to remind themselves of a forgotten thought. My inner dialog is me talking to myself and my eating disorder.  A typical conversation is like this:

I'm putting my make up on and getting ready to go to school.

• ED: You have huge dark circles under your eyes, you look disgusting
• Me: I can't help that I have dark circles, it runs in my family and doesn't change who I am.
• ED: Your stomach looks big. You have been eating a lot lately, you shouldn't eat much today, you certainly don't need it. It won't hurt you to skip a few meals or snacks for just today.
• Me: I need to eat all of my meal plan no matter what you say. Skipping only a few escalates to me not eating at all, then next comes puking and I am not going back there.
• ED: If anyone comments on your appearance it is because you look bad and they are lying to you. 

It never stops, he ALWAYS has something else to say.  I am never good enough...never. Some days I do have the strength to respond to him the way I did above, being rational and protecting my body whether I like how it looks or not. But there are always those days where what he is saying is how I am feeling and I give in and believe him. Like today in the spa room, he said "your belly button is really deep, that means you are fat." Even though I had the strength to go about my day and eat the way I needed to, I still believed him and to this very moment feel like my stomach is too big. I WANT to restrict but I won't. It takes just as much will power to go against his advice as it does to stick to a diet. Everyone knows sticking to a diet is VERY challenging. Well, so is sticking to a diet that keeps you alive. You know you need it but you just don't want it.