Flu= Temptation

Last night I woke up with a terrible knot in my stomach. I went to the restroom and was sick. My entire body was covered in a pool of sweat. It was terrible. I was finally able to clean myself up and make my way back to bed. I slept roughly the rest of the night. When my alarm went off at 6:30, I hit snooze and tried to figure out of I could stay home. I went through my day and realized I would miss too much if I stayed home, so I got up and did the best I could. For breakfast I made a plain bagel and could only nibble on it. The entire day I was so tired and felt weak. ED loved the feeling though. When I looked in the mirror in the morning I actually thought I looked thin (that NEVER happens). When lunch time came around I was able to eat most of my lunch. After, ED made me feel so fat. I had gotten sick the night before and barely eaten any breakfast, reminded him of the old days. I felt bad for eating all of my lunch. At dinner I was feeling a little unsure about what to eat. I had to buy something at school because I had an evening class, so options were limited. I ended up eating half of a chicken sandwich and some fries. Since it was fast food I was extra hard on myself and in my mind, I gained twice my body weight. I was gross and wanted to get sick. I didn't want to induce it, but I was hoping the meal wouldn't sit well and I would get sick naturally and still get rid of it. That didn't happen. When I got home I had a little ice cream and some pretzels. Again, even just a few bites of ice cream makes me a disgusting, fat, unlovable person. Even when I am sick food has its consequences. The next few days will be a challenge for me for a few reasons: 1 because I will be facing new social situations 2 I will be still recovering from a stomach bug and 3 being sick is tempting to return to old behaviors of restricting and even getting sick...I gotta fight it, I have to.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3