Worked today. I was in a room that I have never been in before. I had to learn the new routine and rules of the classroom. When the teacher tells me how things are done or tells me to do something differently, I take it personally. Ed tells me I am an awful teacher and should be fired because I don't know what I am doing. I also tend to feel like the other teachers don't trust me to be able to do my job. It is emotionally exhausting, it makes it hard to enjoy my job sometimes. After work I went to my dad's house and had dinner. I always love spending time with my family, they always make me laugh. For some reason after dinner I got very anxious. It was really hard to sit with. I really wanted to throw up, but I resisted. It has been almost two years since I did that and would be extremely disappointed if I did again. I know I can do this. When I got home I got some homework done that has been causing me some stress. Tomorrow I am going shopping with my friend after school. I am getting nervous about visiting my other friend this weekend. It helps that she knows a lot about ED and my social anxiety, but I am still really worried. I really just want to be able to have a good time and not even hear ED, but I know that the likelihood of that happening is very slim. The best I can do is manage it and keep fighting. I am doing better at not believing his lies. He says something and I say "that's not true." Like today at work, I got down on myself because it seemed like the teacher was always guiding me and Ed said it was because I can't do my job on my own and I should be fired. I was able to say, if I was going to get fired I would have had a couple of meetings with my boss to discuss what I am doing wrong. I know that you can't just be fired for doing one little thing wrong, like closing the bathroom door. Each room is different and some classrooms close the door while the children use the restroom. As a substitute going from room to room it can sometimes be hard to keep it all straight. I also told him that if I didn't know how to do my job then I would have never gotten hired and they wouldn't continue to schedule me to work. I enjoy working with the children and they always bring a smile to my face and as long as my boss isn't calling me to her office to give me warnings on my performance, I think I am doing just fine. I just really need to remember that.
I am feeling very confused about what I want to do with my life. This past week of struggling with ED has really left me feeling pretty stuck and discouraged. It seems like with how things are now a days that being a teacher might not be the best way to go. Yes, I love kids and love teaching, but I need to be able to make enough to support a family (because I do want my own kids). I know it is better to have a low paying job that you love than a high paying job you hate, but with the hard work I put into my education, sometimes it doesn't feel like the pay off is worth it. I work so hard I want to be able to feel like it will land me a good job that will allow me to live without worries, and right now it doesn't feel that way. I guess I will just have to keep thinking about this one. If you have any suggestions or advice for feeling discouraged or indecisive, please share! Hope you all are doing well!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Don't be discouraged about your career path. It is absolutely normal to feel the things your are feeling. I did at you age, and so do many others. One of my sons didn't make a choice until he graduated from OSU this winter, and still needs to go back for his Masters. My other son changed colleges 4 times and 3 majors. His fiancee is facing the same dilemmas. Just be patient, keep going to school, and keep your mind open for options and opportunities. It will come. ((HUGS))
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