Struggling...

Yesterday I got called into work at 7:30, so by blogging time I was too tired to look at the computer! No worries, I'll get you up to speed on things. Yesterday I worked for a few hours, went home had lunch with Bella and then went to school for my appointment with my on campus therapist. It was the first time she weighed me and I had a lot of anxiety, I was already feeling enormous and then to stand on a scale made me feel bigger than the universe. Awful feeling, I mean no one enjoys stepping on a scale. With eating disorder treatments, weighing in requires you to step on the scale backwards so you can't see the number. It is better that way. I talked with my doctor and we set a limit, she would only comment on my weight if it is under two pounds of what my "healthy weight" is. After the weigh in, we began processing the experience of being weighed. The rest of the session we did some background info. I have only had three visits with her so she still is learning about where I come from. I told her about my childhood and she asked a few questions to learn more about it. It made me realize how lucky I am to have had such a good childhood even though my parents divorced when I was very young. I aslo see times in my childhood where ED may have been present. I never liked wearing jeans because I didn't like the way they felt around my tummy area. Also, before school everyday I would get nauseous (possible anxiety attack?) I would sometimes even force myself to throw up at school. After being in treatment I learned that the urges to restrict or purge are influenced by built up anxiety, once ED persuades you to give in to the urge, the anxiety decreases. The behaviors of ED are a way to control or manage anxiety brought on by food and other events. Maybe those incidences are simply coincidences, but it makes me wonder how long ED has been in my life.

After treatment I went to the craft store and got some canvas paper to paint on and some pastels. I love art, it makes me feel very free and expessive. My work never turns out like the image in my head and ED really gripes about that, but nothing ever turns out the way you imagine in your head in life. I focus on the feeling of happiness that I experience while DOING the project rather than the result of the art. It doesn't matter, the act of painting, coloring or drawing is a good distraction for me that keeps me away from ED's grasp.

The past few days I have really struggled with food. To give you a better understanding of what a person with an eating disorder experiences with food I like the comparison to an allergy. If you are allergic to penicillin and you were forced to take it EVERY DAY, how would you feel? Well, you know that when you take the medicine you will get an itchy rash, or a fever, or sick to your stomach. Wouldn't make you want to take it would it? You know what you will feel after taking the penicillin so to avoid that discomfort, you don't take it, right? Well in the case of ED you are allergic to food. The result of eating food is extreme anxiety, strong urges, and those awful comments from Ed. So when it comes to eating, I would rather not and avoid those uncomfortable consequences. I will confess, the last few days I have not eaten my full meal plan. I am supposed to eat 3 full meals and 3 snacks everyday, but lately I have skipped the snacks all together. It is not a good thing to do, because it just starts the cycle. First it is a snack here or there, then it is a snack and dinner, and more and more meals get cut until there is nothing going into my body and it's too late, ED is too strong. I am scared, I really am. I am going to try to stick very strictly to my meal plan, but with tomorrow being Easter, a very food oriented holiday, it will without a doubt be very difficult!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3