Weighted Fears

I know I just posted, but I need to get more off of my mind. All of my friends and family have sent their love my way and it has helped me a lot. I wish I could realize that there is more to me than my body size. In the past three years I have come a long way in realizing more about myself than my appearance, but when I feel like this it is hard to even care about those traits. I feel like even though I have other positive traits, I will be nothing if I am not small. I am embarrassed for my boyfriend to see me when I feel like this because I feel like that is grounds to leave me. Why would he want to stay with me if I am gaining weight? That is a huge fear of mine. For a long time now I have made my body size the determining factor on whether or not I am deserving of love. The bigger I feel or look, the less I deserve to be loved. It is ridiculous I know, but it is a serious belief and fear of mine.

I appreciate all of everyone's support on getting me through tonight. It means the world to me to know I am not alone.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

ED took the day

Today was flat out rough. I woke up in a blah mood and had no motivation get out of bed. All day I felt this way. After breakfast and lunch it just got worse. After my pre-work nap it seemed as if I had gained 20lbs all in my stomach. To me I look about 5 months pregnant and I want to cry. I struggled all day to just get through. I am so uncomfortable that I tried to work out but got so upset that I was giving into my Eating Disorder urges that I stopped. Now I am writing with the most hopeless feeling my heart. I pray that tomorrow is a better day because I don't know if I can handle another day like today.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3 (I'm trying to)