A few steps back...

Like I said the other day, this week has been very busy and full of emotions! Yesterday I adopted a puppy. He is a 2 month old Yorkie names Reece. He is on my lap right now :) Of course, like most big decisions made, there are opinions expressed. I took them all to heart and broke down feeling like a failure. I felt like a horrible mom to Bella and like I wasn't supported by my family. I talked with my mom and sister and fet a little better. Today, I feel much better and things are looking up. People will always have their opinions and I know this better than anyone I know, my job is to prove them wrong.

This morning I woke up early with my cousin to watch the Royal Wedding....It was so magical. It was very romantic and every girl's dream! After the wedding, about 10:00, Reece and I took a nap. This after noon I had my weekly therapist appointment and I knew it wouldn't be a good one. This week was tough for me on food and it has only gone down hill. In my weigh in all I was told was that I lost a lot of weight since last week. How much is "a lot" to her, I don't know, but enough to concern her which was enough to scare me. After my appointment I called my mom and dad and set up a plan for the weekend. I am going to work very hard, because I really don't want to be sick again. When I am sick all I can do is lay in bed and sleep...watch tv if I'm feeling up to it. Not a productive life at all.

I am really tired right now from waking up early today and not feeding myself very well. I am going to go to sleep and wake up to a new day! Tomorrow has structure so hopefully that will help.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Losing It

So sorry I haven't been writing every night. My usual computer crashed so I am writing from my little netbook and after doing homework and things on it all day, it is usually dead! I have also been very busy with school work, midterms are next week. If I am not working on all the mountains of homework, I am at work. It has been pretty stressful! I have also been sticking to my half hour of zumba exercise. It feels really good to work out and not over do it on my body. I have not noticed much change in my body, but I have noticed a big change in ED. It seems like the more I work out, the less I eat. My fear of food is growing. The negative body image has shifted toward food. I wouldn't necessarily say I like my body or feel good about my body, but since I started doing zumba, my body isn't the issue, it is the food. I feel like I am in a lose lose situation. Exercising in moderation is good for your body and makes me feel better, but then my fear of food rises. If I stop exercising, I feel lazy and fat and my body is the problem, not so much the food. I just can't win. It doesn't make sense to me and it is very frustrating and scary. Today I only ate about half of my meal plan and feel ENORMOUS and guilty for not working out. I am not letting myself work out since I didn't eat well. I didn't give my body enough to do daily activities, let alone exercise. I am scared that I am slipping and losing control. The thought of eating my full meal plan makes me want to cry because I know the discomfort that I will feel after. The thoughts of food are beginning to distract me from school and work. I am tired and wish this would go away, I want to live my life!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Easter!!

I hope every one had a wonderful Easter Weekend! Yesterday was a little challenging for me with all of the food and sweets around. I stuck to my meal plan and survived. Although, everytime I ate a little bit of candy or anything "extra" I felt guilty. I also have to tell on myself, I weighed myself in the bathroom. Of course seeing the number, which I will not say, was more than I would ever want, but it is a healthy weight for my height. I am still haunted by the number that popped up on the scale. It seems lately that my mind is thinking about food more than ever! I am distracted by the thought of finding something to eat to get through my next meal that won't feel like a lot. Of course, my desire is to just not eat and not worry about feeling food in my stomach, but knowing that is not an option I try to get the bare minimum to keep my weight stable. Things are tough and it is not fun, but I have had these times before and this will pass soon as well. Today has been a pretty good day, aside from the ruminating thoughts about food. I spent some time in my brother's class room and graded some papers. It reminded me why I want to be a teacher, but I am still confused about what route to take for my future. After my brother's class I went home to eat some lunch and then went to work. Today was working with the infants, 1 year and under. They are so sweet, but a lot of work! I truly feel like my work with children will make me a better parent.  I spent the evening with my dad, step mom and little brother. After dinner we went and got ice cream and I ate all of mine! Afterward I felt aweful, but I did a half hour of zumba and felt a tiny bit better. Now I am sitting in bed listening to a storm outside and am ready to close my eyes. Nothing beats falling asleep to a thunderstorm!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Struggling...

Yesterday I got called into work at 7:30, so by blogging time I was too tired to look at the computer! No worries, I'll get you up to speed on things. Yesterday I worked for a few hours, went home had lunch with Bella and then went to school for my appointment with my on campus therapist. It was the first time she weighed me and I had a lot of anxiety, I was already feeling enormous and then to stand on a scale made me feel bigger than the universe. Awful feeling, I mean no one enjoys stepping on a scale. With eating disorder treatments, weighing in requires you to step on the scale backwards so you can't see the number. It is better that way. I talked with my doctor and we set a limit, she would only comment on my weight if it is under two pounds of what my "healthy weight" is. After the weigh in, we began processing the experience of being weighed. The rest of the session we did some background info. I have only had three visits with her so she still is learning about where I come from. I told her about my childhood and she asked a few questions to learn more about it. It made me realize how lucky I am to have had such a good childhood even though my parents divorced when I was very young. I aslo see times in my childhood where ED may have been present. I never liked wearing jeans because I didn't like the way they felt around my tummy area. Also, before school everyday I would get nauseous (possible anxiety attack?) I would sometimes even force myself to throw up at school. After being in treatment I learned that the urges to restrict or purge are influenced by built up anxiety, once ED persuades you to give in to the urge, the anxiety decreases. The behaviors of ED are a way to control or manage anxiety brought on by food and other events. Maybe those incidences are simply coincidences, but it makes me wonder how long ED has been in my life.

After treatment I went to the craft store and got some canvas paper to paint on and some pastels. I love art, it makes me feel very free and expessive. My work never turns out like the image in my head and ED really gripes about that, but nothing ever turns out the way you imagine in your head in life. I focus on the feeling of happiness that I experience while DOING the project rather than the result of the art. It doesn't matter, the act of painting, coloring or drawing is a good distraction for me that keeps me away from ED's grasp.

The past few days I have really struggled with food. To give you a better understanding of what a person with an eating disorder experiences with food I like the comparison to an allergy. If you are allergic to penicillin and you were forced to take it EVERY DAY, how would you feel? Well, you know that when you take the medicine you will get an itchy rash, or a fever, or sick to your stomach. Wouldn't make you want to take it would it? You know what you will feel after taking the penicillin so to avoid that discomfort, you don't take it, right? Well in the case of ED you are allergic to food. The result of eating food is extreme anxiety, strong urges, and those awful comments from Ed. So when it comes to eating, I would rather not and avoid those uncomfortable consequences. I will confess, the last few days I have not eaten my full meal plan. I am supposed to eat 3 full meals and 3 snacks everyday, but lately I have skipped the snacks all together. It is not a good thing to do, because it just starts the cycle. First it is a snack here or there, then it is a snack and dinner, and more and more meals get cut until there is nothing going into my body and it's too late, ED is too strong. I am scared, I really am. I am going to try to stick very strictly to my meal plan, but with tomorrow being Easter, a very food oriented holiday, it will without a doubt be very difficult!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

You've GOT to Be Kidding Me!

You will never guess my morning. I wake up and take my shower and went downstairs to fix breakfast. I was craving some cereal and then realized the milk was sour. So i made a bagel and went back upstairs to eat. I turned on my computer like I do every morning and there is a message saying "no bootable device." GREATTTTT! I finished getting ready so I could go to the tech center at school before class. The guy said he couldn't do anything because he thinks the hard drive went bad...I've only had it a month or more!! So this weekend I will be fussing with Sam's club to fix it. I was so upset because I lost all of my files and itunes! It was a very trying morning and by 8:30 I was ready to throw in the towel. I kept truckin' and made it through the VERY long school day. Now I am exhausted!! This week Nick added himself as a follower to the blog and it nearly made me cry. It is hard to understand eating disorders and can be hard to accept that you or someone you love has one. He has learned a lot and his support means the world to me because for a while there I thought he just ignored the fact that I had a disease. He shows me more and more everyday that he is learning about my struggles. I love him so much and all of my other followers and supporters. I couldn't do this without you!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Just My Luck

Just like last Wednesday I had a ton of things to do today and got interrupted with work calling me. I had a mountain of laundry a few homework assignments and shopping I needed to get done. On my way to meet my cousin for lunch work calls and needs me there like right that second. I made them wait. I really don't like when they call at the very last minute and need me to be there right away. Just because I am available to work doesn't mean I am home waiting for them to call. But, I talked to my mom about it and she assured me that it is ok for me to simply say I can't be there until a certain time. That made me feel a lot better because ED was making me feel like a bad worker because I wasn't there the minute they needed me.

After work I was able to get some of the shopping done that I needed to do and went back to my dad's to finish my laundry. I still haven't finished one of my homework assignments, but it isn't due until 5:00 tomorrow, so I will work on it at school. ED is giving me a little heck for it, but I am doing my best to ignore him, because I know I will get it done. I got 20 minutes of Zumba in tonight, it felt really good. Of course, it wasn't long enough for ED and to him did nothing for my body. I had a lot going on today and didn't get all of my snacks in so I know that I can't do too much activity because that would take away the calories that my body NEEDS to operate and keep me alive. Tomorrow is my really long day of classes, I am excited for art class though. I really enjoy art, but I am very hard on myself and get very upset when my projects don't turn out the way I expect. One night I actually called my mom crying because I was so upset with my work. Hopefully tomorrow won't be that bad!

ALSO!!!! Thank you to the anonymous donor to team EDucate, I appreciate your support so much! Love you who ever you are!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Emotional Work Out

Before I talk about anything else, I am apologizing for not posting yesterday. I had a terrible migraine and was in bed all evening with a cold wash cloth on my head. It was awful!! Thankfully I did not have one today and was able to get a lot done. From 9-3 I was at school and had very few run ins with ED. It rained all day, so when I got home I was ready for a nap. I was sleeping so deeply that when Nick called, I thought it was the next morning and I forgot to get up. It took me a while to wake up but when I did I made dinner and watched some tv. I was able to read all of my history assignment and take my online quiz.

After sitting down for a long time I needed to get up and move, so I put my Zumba game into my Wii. I danced for 37 minutes and was pouring in sweat! It felt so good to be dancing again, I miss it so much. I feel much better about my body when I am dancing. It is when I am not dancing that is the problem. I talked to one of my former dance teachers and she wants me to be in a dance show she is planning. I am so excited and hope it works out. Right now my body is really sore, but feels good. I usually don't work out because it is a trigger and after dancing tonight I remembered why. After I chugged some water, I got ready to take a shower. Seeing myself with no clothes on is always hard, but it seemed like everything was much bigger than it was before I worked out! I really wanted to go back into my room and do more zumba. I felt like working out did nothing but make my body swell up. Ed kept telling me I will never look good and it is not worth it...I am not worth it. This is probably ED's way of making me work out more and more and eat less so I don't ruin the work out I did. He's so mean and I can't stand him!! What is keeping me going and staying positive right now is knowing that I exercised in moderation and that is good for my body. My motive for working out is not to lose weight but to strengthen what my body already has.

Reminder about the NEDA walk in Columbus. Remember team EDucate is getting shirts, and in order to get your shirt I need to have the size you wish to have as soon as possible!!!!! To register go to http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR/NEDAWalk/General?team_id=2771&pg=team&fr_id=1350 and click "join team." Your support is greatly appreciated!! Together we can fight this!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Change in Plans?

So you all know I have been questioning if being a teacher is the best for my future. I love kids and would love to be a teacher, but the job market really isn't looking very good and neither is the money. I have done some thinking and am thinking about being a neonatal nurse (baby nurse). I thought about it when I was younger thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up. The nursing program at Wright State is very difficult to get into and has a very long wait list. I have some research to do, but I think I would really enjoy that career as well. I have nurses in my family, so I know I can do it :) The thought of changing schools for a third time is just scary, but I have changed schools many times and have done just fine. I think this might be a better plan for me and my future.

Getting back to the present....my family went to the Cincinnati Reds game this afternoon. We had seats in a suit so we had our own bathroom. It was awesome! Unfortunately they lost, but the time with my family was great. I got a little homework done when I got home, and now I am exhausted! Ed has been pretty mean today, but I ignored him somehow. I feel much stronger when I am with my family.

Hope every one had a great weekend!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

No Regrets

So, last night was my trip up to Lima to visit a friend. She was having a Pure Romance party, so other people were going to be coming over. When I first got there I felt kinda weird and out of place, everyone else seemed to know each other and feel comfortable around each other, throw in the awkwardness of "intimate items" and anxiety was in full swing! After a while I was able to calm down and have a good time. Watching and listening to the other women there was very comical. In the middle of the party we played a game, it was sort or like a "have you ever" game. If the answer to the question asked you moved a seat to your left. I only moved one time; the question was "do you have a boyfriend." I didn't win, but that's perfectly fine with me! They did have some neat things other than just "personals," they have some really neat lotion, body washes, lip stuff and perfumes. It was fun girl time. I had a few rough moments, but overall I really enjoyed myself and am glad I took on the social challenge. Now, I am spending some time relaxing with Bella and working on homework (when I feel like it). Tomorrow my family is going to the Reds game and I can't wait! Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Flu= Temptation

Last night I woke up with a terrible knot in my stomach. I went to the restroom and was sick. My entire body was covered in a pool of sweat. It was terrible. I was finally able to clean myself up and make my way back to bed. I slept roughly the rest of the night. When my alarm went off at 6:30, I hit snooze and tried to figure out of I could stay home. I went through my day and realized I would miss too much if I stayed home, so I got up and did the best I could. For breakfast I made a plain bagel and could only nibble on it. The entire day I was so tired and felt weak. ED loved the feeling though. When I looked in the mirror in the morning I actually thought I looked thin (that NEVER happens). When lunch time came around I was able to eat most of my lunch. After, ED made me feel so fat. I had gotten sick the night before and barely eaten any breakfast, reminded him of the old days. I felt bad for eating all of my lunch. At dinner I was feeling a little unsure about what to eat. I had to buy something at school because I had an evening class, so options were limited. I ended up eating half of a chicken sandwich and some fries. Since it was fast food I was extra hard on myself and in my mind, I gained twice my body weight. I was gross and wanted to get sick. I didn't want to induce it, but I was hoping the meal wouldn't sit well and I would get sick naturally and still get rid of it. That didn't happen. When I got home I had a little ice cream and some pretzels. Again, even just a few bites of ice cream makes me a disgusting, fat, unlovable person. Even when I am sick food has its consequences. The next few days will be a challenge for me for a few reasons: 1 because I will be facing new social situations 2 I will be still recovering from a stomach bug and 3 being sick is tempting to return to old behaviors of restricting and even getting sick...I gotta fight it, I have to.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Good Morning, Panic

The plan for today was to sleep in a little bit, work on my homework and stay in my jammies all day. Think it happened? Of course not. That is the life of being a substitute teacher though I suppose, you can never make plans. As soon as I got called in to work my heart started racing and my hands began shaking. All I could think about was the 30 pages I needed to read for history, take my history quiz, a long art chapter to outline, 2 web resource summaries and an assignment for my science and mathematics class that I didn't even look at yet!! In my mind that was an entire day's worth. There was no way it would all get done, I would be so tired from staying up late. I got ready and packed some homework to take with me in case I had the chance to work on it. I didn't end up getting a chance to work on it at work, but I had a great time at work. I got to work with the infants and they are so precious. I love working with them and am excited to be a mommy some day. When six o'clock rolled around I was more than happy to be baby-less! When I got home, I opened up the windows and back door to let in some sunshine and fresh air. That alone made me feel better about everything. I got out a recipe I cut out of a magazine and made a yummy pasta dinner. Cooking a good meal for myself after a long day of work made me really proud. I still had a LOT to get done, but I took the time I needed to give myself a good dinner. After dinner I started my homework. It went much faster than I expected. I ended up getting a 100 on my history quiz and finishing all of my homework before 9. I am soooo tired right now. Tomorrow is a really long day of classes! Being busy is ED's nightmare, I am so motivated and focused to get things done when I am busy that he is weak and I don't give him the time of day. I wish it was as easy to ignore him on days when I'm not busy! Hope you all had a wonderful day!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Tested The Limit

Hey Loves!!! Today was great and I can't to tell you all about it. This morning was the first morning in a long time that I left the house feeling happy with how I looked. It felt amazing to walk to class not worrying if people looked at me. In my morning class I am usually very insecure, but today I had a little more confidence. I was participating in conversations a little more and didn't feel as left out as I usually do. Now, that is not saying I didn't at all because I did. My group was talking about the senior superlatives they won in high school and winning prom royalty. I had to get up from the table during that conversation because ED was starting to tell me I was a nobody. I was never nominated for homecoming or prom queen and I didn't win any superlatives. When I walked away I was able to talk to myself and realize that it is okay, those things don't make me less of a person.

Toward the end of the day I got really tired and started to not feel well, I almost cancelled my shopping date, but once I got out of class I felt much better. I think I am allergic to history and econ!  Shopping was very fun, but a challenge for me. I went with a friend of mine from class and we have never hung out outside of school. She knows about ED so that helped a LITTLE but I still was worried about what she thought about the things I was picking out. After a while I relaxed. I am so glad I went through with the shopping trip, it was fun and I needed to challenge that social anxiety. It was uncomfortable at first, but I didn't give up and go home and I feel so proud of myself for having done it.

I am making a cd for the people participating in the NEDA walk with me in May. Send me some of songs that inspire you the most! I also want you to take a minute to think of a challenge you faced today that you got through, even if it is small, and be proud. We survived another day in this crazy world, that is something to be proud of!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Pink Room Paranoia

Worked today. I was in a room that I have never been in before. I had to learn the new routine and rules of the classroom. When the teacher tells me how things are done or tells me to do something differently, I take it personally. Ed tells me I am an awful teacher and should be fired because I don't know what I am doing. I also tend to feel like the other teachers don't trust me to be able to do my job. It is emotionally exhausting, it makes it hard to enjoy my job sometimes. After work I went to my dad's house and had dinner. I always love spending time with my family, they always make me laugh. For some reason after dinner I got very anxious. It was really hard to sit with. I really wanted to throw up, but I resisted. It has been almost two years since I did that and would be extremely disappointed if I did again. I know I can do this. When I got home I got some homework done that has been causing me some stress. Tomorrow I am going shopping with my friend after school. I am getting nervous about visiting my other friend this weekend. It helps that she knows a lot about ED and my social anxiety, but I am still really worried. I really just want to be able to have a good time and not even hear ED, but I know that the likelihood of that happening is very slim. The best I can do is manage it and keep fighting. I am doing better at not believing his lies. He says something and I say "that's not true." Like today at work, I got down on myself because it seemed like the teacher was always guiding me and Ed said it was because I can't do my job on my own and I should be fired. I was able to say, if I was going to get fired I would have had a couple of meetings with my boss to discuss what I am doing wrong. I know that you can't just be fired for doing one little thing wrong, like closing the bathroom door. Each room is different and some classrooms close the door while the children use the restroom. As a substitute going from room to room it can sometimes be hard to keep it all straight. I also told him that if I didn't know how to do my job then I would have never gotten hired and they wouldn't continue to schedule me to work. I enjoy working with the children and they always bring a smile to my face and as long as my boss isn't calling me to her office to give me warnings on my performance, I think I am doing just fine. I just really need to remember that.

I am feeling very confused about what I want to do with my life. This past week of struggling with ED has really left me feeling pretty stuck and discouraged. It seems like with how things are now a days that being a teacher might not be the best way to go. Yes, I love kids and love teaching, but I need to be able to make enough to support a family (because I do want my own kids). I know it is better to have a low paying job that you love than a high paying job you hate, but with the hard work I put into my education, sometimes it doesn't feel like the pay off is worth it. I work so hard I want to be able to feel like it will land me a good job that will allow me to live without worries, and right now it doesn't feel that way. I guess I will just have to keep thinking about this one. If you have any suggestions or advice for feeling discouraged or indecisive, please share! Hope you all are doing well!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Happy Birthday Bella Mae!!!

Last night was difficult as you all know, but today wasn't all so bad.  Today was Bella's 2nd birthday, so we woke up had breakfast and opened her presents. After that I cleaned the house and cleaned up. Nick and I went to target and I got some new clothes and some storage boxes to organize my shoes. We spent the evening at his grandparents' house having dinner. It was a really nice time. The only thing Ed has really been on my case about today is the fact that I let the day be mine and didn't spend time studying and doing homework. I am stressed about getting it all done, but I know I will and it is important for me to take time for me. I am going shopping with a friend from school this week and then going to visit another friend this weekend. It will be a challenge for me to be around people I don't know and be in a social setting, but I need to challenge myself to test my limits. I don't want to be confined to my apartment forever alone. I'll let you know how it goes. I am guessing this week I will be pretty anxious with anticipation.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

When Will It End?!

I am getting absolutely sick of living under this dark cloud. No matter what I am doing he's there making me miserable. Today shopping for glasses I couldn't pick one without my mom's help because he hated them all. After I ate dinner I could not stop pinching my belly and hips. Everything felt so swollen and big. When I got home from my mom's house I washed the makeup off of my face hoping it would make me feel better, but it didn't. I just let it go for a while and watched a movie with Nick. Then after the movie I saw my reflection in the mirror and almost lost it crying, but I held it together. Since then I have been pretty withdrawn and just depressed because of what I saw. I can't stand myself, I embarrass myself. How can anyone love me when I can't bare to even look at myself? I am ready for this to end. I can't take one more day of this, I honestly feel like I am losing my mind and my grip on reality.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

You're Under Arrest, ED

Guess what. IT'S FRIDAY!!! Today was pretty enjoyable! I got to sleep in with Bella and we got to spend some quality time together playing and snuggling. This afternoon I met with my new therapist and she seems pretty cool! We got to know each other and set some goals. I felt better being back in a treatment setting, I think it will help. Talking about ED to my supports helps, but it feels like when I tell one of my therapists or doctors I am getting him in trouble with the authorities. After my appointment I went back home made some soup for lunch and cleaned up the kitchen a little bit. The weather was so nice out that I opened up all the windows and opened up the sliding door, which made Bella very happy. I got my homework done for one of my classes and spent some time cleaning up my porch. My dad, step mom and little brother came to visit and we went out for pizza. I was able to enjoy 2 and a half bread sticks and two slices of pizza with no guilt trip from EDward. In fact, the only time he really said anything was when I was getting ready this morning. I was worried about what my new therapist would think of me and I wanted to look really pretty and of course I wasn't happy in the end.

After my family left from visiting I was really lonely. I thought about going home to my moms but then I didn't want to leave Bella, so I stayed. I decided to do some painting. I love art but I get so upset because it never turns out the way I picture it in my head. I painted a picture for my mom and boyfriend and that made the time fly. Now I am up in my bedroom talking to you beautiful people :) I hope everyone had a wonderful day! I have to get up in the morning and go to the grocery, if anyone would like to do it for me, let me know! Just kidding, I don't think anyone in their right mind would volunteer to grocery shop, except my step dad.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Purrrrrfect Medicine

Today was another rough one, but not as bad as the past two. The morning wasn't too bad, it wasn't really until my 5:00 class that things started happening. I saw a coworker from the daycare and ED started to chatter. "She hates you, no one likes you there anymore. You are not dependable and are not welcome there anymore." My anxiety level shot through the roof! My hands were shaky and I felt frumpy and useless. I started comparing myself to every girl in the room, and the class is all girls except for one. On our break I checked my email and my boss never emailed me back. I got really upset. Maybe she was just busy today and didn't get a chance to check her email, but it is hard for me to believe that over ED's theory; She hates me. When I got home, Bella was purring as soon as I opened the door. I spent some time playing with her and seeing how happy she was made me remember that love doesn't know beauty or ugly. She loves me because I take care of her and love her. I got her when I was in recovery, so she is my recovery gift and motivation to keep fighting. Tomorrow I see my new doctor, hopefully that will quiet ED for the weekend. I really need a break.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Just Make It Stop

He won't go away, and I can't break free. I am crying as I write this evening. I am so tired of this and want to just stop. I don't want to keep going, it seems so much easier to just give in and quit. I feel like I am shutting down and it scares me so much. I had to call off of work today to take Nick to the doctor after he got hurt last night playing basketball. I called first thing in the morning giving work plenty of time to find a replacement. ED wouldn't leave me alone about my decision. Telling me they will fire me or just think I am not a dependable worker. I emailed my boss and she emailed me back and her response made me feel like she was on Ed's side. I told my mom about the email and she thinks that my boss was confused and told me to email her back to clarify things. I did and even asked for a meeting with her to get on the same page with her. I feel like I need my boss's support, especially when ED judges me about my job performance. This is the first time I have ever called off a shift, and I am always working when they call me at the last minute needing someone to come in.

I am dreading waking up in the morning, it is a long day of classes and I don't feel up to it. I want out of this, what did I ever do to receive this life sentence?!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

TriggerED Tuesday

I swear ED hates Tuesdays. It has been a really rough day and I am glad that it is over and I am safe in my bed. Still no sign of my ring :( I wore a different ring on that finger today because I have been so distracted by the feeling of it being gone. It still wasn't the same :( Thank you for the stories of hope, I am still keeping my hopes up, but my mom said she would direct Nick in the direction of my favorite jeweler. I am never wearing any rings to work ever again!!! I will definitely be more mindful and cautious about my jewelry.

I think I am going to start carrying my private journal with me so I can write down everything that happens that makes me want to write to you guys right away! Today was so rough that I wanted to post every hour, but I don't trust the campus internet so I didn't want to risk someone hacking and ruining our safe place! Let's just start from the beginning and go from there.

I woke up earlier than normal today so I could go to work and look for my ring. The normal routine; shower, breakfast, make up and hair. My roommate came home and needed in the shower so I did my make up in my room. I felt pretty satisfied with how I looked until I went back into the bathroom. It was like I had put on a mask and looked in the mirror. It was NOT the person that I was feeling okay about just seconds earlier. That's the annoying thing with Ed, you can look at yourself one second and feel okay with what you see, then you blink and its like someone else is staring back at you. He is such a twisted man. I saw man because that is my image of ED. I picture him as being a over weight slob that sits in a recliner in my head putting me down all day. The abusive boyfriend or husband you desperately want your best friend to get away from because you fear for her life- that's ED.

At school I felt so anxious. My first class is 2 and a half hours long and it is all group work. I like the people in mt group, they are nice but they always tell stories of their crazy drunken nights and I don't do that so I feel so uncomfortable and out of place. Of course Ed starts to compare and tells me that I am not normal for not participating in the college party scene, but that is just not my thing! I feel like I hear enough chatter in my head all day that the last thing I want to do in my free time is listen to even more people talk! I prefer to stay home alone or only with a few people and relax in some sweats. I feel much safer there. I also feel very self conscious to say anything around them. They are always making fun of other people and I feel like, what are they saying about me? Imagine...two and a half hours of that!!!! Needless to say my daily migraine begins in this class. Sometimes I don't know if it is the stress of ED or just the battle of keeping my brain focused on school work instead of ED's intrusion that causes my headaches.

12:20 was History class. I sit next to my friend in that class and talk to Nick on skype in between lecture notes, so it isn't so bad. Except the actual subject, which I have never been too hot in. But before class began was where the action was. Walking to class I started to get short of breath and by this time my head was pounding like no one's business. I got to class early so I sat down and felt so light headed and my hands were shaking a little bit. I just wanted to leave the building, get in my car and drive home. The only thing that I wanted at that point was to curl up in a ball and disappear. It was all just too much, I didn't want to keep going.

But...I did. I made it through History and went to Econ . Head still pounding, I took notes and wiggled in my chair.  Luckily our teacher let us out like a half hour early. I really wanted to give him a hug, but I restrained myself because that's just creepy.

Throughout the day Ed judged and compared me to every single person I saw. If it was a girl, my thought was "would Nick find her attractive?" After that I would find something about her that I felt I SHOULD have and come to the conclusion that "ya, Nick would like her more than me, I'm not good enough. If it was a guy my thought was "I wonder if he looks at me and goes ewwww, or if he thinks I am weird looking." Do I care, no because I have Nick and he loves me and I love him. No other boy matters, but ED cares. That is ALL he cares about. He was strong today and put up a good fight, but I live to fight another day!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Feel so Incomplete

Today I went to work for a few hours. After work I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medicine and stopped for some ice cream and picked something up for dinner. After I ate dinner and started some homework I realized the ring my boyfriend got me for Christmas, was not on my finger. I have looked for it all night and haven't found it. I feel soooo lost and naked without it!! Ed is telling me I am a bad girlfriend for losing something so important. He is so mean. I obviously didn't lose it on purpose, it means the world to me. :'( I miss it so much, I hope I find it. I need some hope so if you have a story of losing something very valuable to you and found it, let me know please!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Separating the Truth From Ed

Ed lies that is no secret. He makes me think and believe things that aren't the real case, but that doesn't mean that  some of my emotions aren't real. I know it sounds confusing, but what I am trying to say is, how do I know if what I am feeling is a legitimate feeling, or just one of Ed's lies. When I know it is just Ed I am able to ignore the thoughts or feelings and let them pass. I am worried that the feelings I have been having aren't Ed and I am ignoring them as if they are. It is a very scary thing. I don't know what to do, I am so confused right now. I feel very out of control with every thing. Everything feels so overwhelming, school and work, I feel like I won't get everything done, or like I can't handle it all. I sure hope this passes :(

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

This or That

So sorry I didn't post last night. I went out to dinner and spent the night with my mom. I really needed some quality mom time. She encouraged me to keep working hard when I didn't see the point in it anymore. My mood has been very strange lately. Yesterday I couldn't make simple decisions which really irritated me then it got me to thinking about how it is because of ED, then I got depressed- it was a mess! In rehab I learned a lot about how eating disorders work and the biology behind them.

People with eating disorders have a chemical imbalance in their brains. Dopamine is the chemical that sends the sensation of joy or happiness to the body. ED means a lower dopamine level, meaning no happiness. He doesn't only prevent happiness (hence the depression and disapproval of oneself), he also makes decision making hard. When we make decisions our brain releases chemicals, making you feel more strongly toward one option. An ED brain doesn't do that, or at least not very much. You could ask me do you want to wear a red shirt or a blue shirt and I could spend hours going back and forth because neither option excites me. It is very frustrating. Not only do I not feel strongly about either option, ED's little voice chimes in making it even harder. This is one of the most frustrating parts of having an eating disorder. Making simple every day decisions is so challenging and exhausting! Think about all the decisions you make in a day: what to wear, how to wear your hair, how to do your make up (if you wear it), what to have for breakfast, wear a coat or not, where will you have lunch, what homework will you decide to do first, what to have for dinner. There are so many more that I didn't even mention. Not EVERY little decision is difficult or a battle, but some days it seems like it. I could do no physical activity all day and still be exhausted because of all the work my brain does in one day.

There is so much more to an eating disorder than just food. I hope to help educate more people about that through this blog. It is hard to understand, but I will give every bit of myself to try to make it easier. Before writing I was having an anxiety attack. My heart was racing, my hands were trembling and my stomach felt nauseous. Now I feel much more relaxed. Thanks for the help!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3