Thankful for ED?

ED sucks, that is no lie, but I have gained sooooo many great things because of ED changing my life.

Thanks to ED:

1. Bella

• I adopted Bella the summer of 2009 when I was in treatment. She gave me inspiration and a new reason to live. She is my little angel and I tell her that every day. The best gift my parents ever gave me <3
2. New amazing friends

• In treatment I met the most amazing women that have remained great friends. They are always there for me supporting me. We all have a bond that no one else in the world can possibly understand, together we feel "normal."
3. Closer relationship with my family

• Being in treatment really brought my family closer together. We were able to share feelings and thoughts with each other and really reconnect. I have never felt so close to all of my family before, I know they love me and support me no matter what. 
4. Nick <3

• I have never had a relationship like this before. My step mom told me when I was younger to marry your best friend, it wasn't until Nick did that ever make sense. He is the one I want to talk to when I am sad, happy, scared or mad, even if it is him I am mad at! Before we met we were both pretty lost in our lives, but ever since we have been together things feel like they are perfectly in place!
5. Reece

• If I had never stayed in Ohio for school, I would have never adopted my baby boy. When I moved away from home I had to leave my dog, Emerson, at home. When I saw Reece at the store, I couldn't resist, he stole my heart. He keeps me so busy! He makes messes for me to clean up, but he is so darn cute, I can't get upset! I bought him with my own money which makes it even better! He was "the next step" for my relationship with Nick, OUR puppy :)

I know I bad talk ED a LOT, but he has brought me so of the most amazing blessings in my life, so I guess I should say, thanks Ed!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3

He Never Stops Hurting

Today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. This morning I went to the doctor for a routine check up and mentioned to my doctor that I have been having some stomach pains for a few weeks. After ruling out pregnancy and a UTI, she mentioned it could be my gall bladder. When she pressed on my stomach it hurt on my left side, where the gall bladder is. I was curious to see if my anorexia, even though I haven't been severe in nearly three years, had anything to do this this.  I googled "Gall stones and anorexia." I found out that my restricting can increase my chances of having gall stones. I got so mad and scared. What else could be wrong with me?! First it was the digestive problems and now this. I am doing what I am supposed to do to stay healthy and he still is attacking my body. At one point I thought "what's the point? Why keep fighting if ED is still screwing with my insides."

After work I decided to do a little more Christmas shopping to get my mind off of the stomach pains (aka constant reminder that ED can still hurt me). When I left the mall the snow was pouring from the sky. Something about the first snow of the year is magical to me. I could not help but smile and take it as a reminder of why I am fighting ED. I could feel the wet snowflakes land on my nose and the cold air bite my cheek, things ED never lets you feel. Life is full of tiny little miracles that make fighting ED worth fighting each and every battle.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Feeling Christmas-Y

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I have been recovering from my Black Friday shopping!! I got a lot and great deals and it has me in the Christmas mood! I have my apartment decorated and have a good chunk of my Christmas shopping done. I am just hoping I don't go bankrupt!! I love buying for people so much that I have a hard time telling people what I want! That isn't a bad thing I guess.

On my blog account I can see the places that are reading the blog, and lately I have been getting a lot of love from Russia! Thought that was sooo cool. So, to show how much it means to me I wanted to give Russia a special shout out :) Thanks for reading! 

Today has been a bad body image day :( I hope tomorrow is better! I also wanted to let everyone know that Lifetime has a new show coming in December about eating disorders. I am so happy that ED is getting attention as a serious, life threatening disease. http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/starving-secrets-with-tracey-gold I hope everyone watches!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3

We Survived!!!

Well, it's over!!! Good job everyone! I hope you were able to ignore the food and enjoy the company you were with. I was surprised at how little I focused on the food! It was a very enjoyable day for me. Filled my plate up with lots of good food and then went for dessert :) I never thought I would be able to enjoy food, let alone on Thanksgiving. My distraction was flipping through the Black Friday ads.  It is almost time to fight the crowds and find some good deals. I will get back to the challenges Sara sent me, tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Turkey Eve

It is almost Thanksgiving! I am excited to see my family and eat grandma's noodles!!! My supports are all in line for tomorrow and I have already picked out my clothes I will wear, which I suggest you do because there will be enough to stress about tomorrow! If anyone needs a support, I am more than happy to get you through.

Distractions are always a good way to push through anxiety, so I leave you with these ideas:

• 10 Positive things that have resulted from a negative life experience, even if it isn't ED
• 10 Things you are thankful for this year
• Ask everyone at your celebration what they are most thankful for and what their favorite Turkey Day food is

Remember, eating will NOT kill us, but NOT eating will. GOOD LUCK!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Sara's Challenge

I mentioned yesterday how I have been getting some post suggestions. My cousin, Sara gave me a few ideas that would be a challenge for me. She recommended that to get my ultimate revenge is to focus on how happy I am now. To you it might not seem like a challenge to focus on the good in my life, but I am a person that doesn't give myself credit for anything, nor do I compliment myself. Heck, I don't even receive compliments well. But I am going to do it!

Topic: Top 5 Things I Love About Myself

1. My passion for animals and children
2. Independence
3. Optimistic outlook
4. Ability to face challenges head on
5. Making people laugh

That only took me a half an hour! I was going to write about the other topic she gave me tonight, but after thinking of 5 good things about myself I think I will continue this challenge tomorrow!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Managing the Stress

The holidays are super stressful!!! I always worry about shopping, so I am trying to get most of it done online in the comforts of my home. As far as Thanksgiving goes, well I am still making my game plan. I am going to try to really focus on the THANKS part of Thanksgiving and focus on what life has given me. I feel like my average day is worrying about things to do, stress, or being mad about negative things. I really want to make Thursday about the good, because whether I pay attention to it or not, I have a lot of good in my life. The key to making it through all of the food, is removing yourself from the situation, mentally or physically if possible. How do you do that? Well here are some ideas:

• Plan ahead
• Know where you will be and what time.  
• Know the food set up
• At my grandma's house the food is set up buffet style (food everywhere!!!)
• Find a "safe" room or space
• This is a place separated from all of the food and maybe even all of the people
• Go to this place when anxiety is too uncomfortable to sit with
• Take some time to regroup here
• Have a support on hand or on call
• Not all of us with ED are lucky enough to have support from our families. If you are not going to be surrounded by supports on Turkey day, have one on call that will be available to text or last minute calls to get you through
• For those who will have a support with them at the meal, talk to them prior to the celebration and give them a heads up of what you are feeling going into the situation
• Be mindful
• Holidays are about being with family, enjoy!
• Our lives get so busy that it is important to take this time to really catch up

Take this time for yourselves!! Tell ED to take a hike while you enjoy your holidays. Good luck to you all!!

Stay SUPER Strong and ALWAYS Beautiful! <3

Checking In :)

Today was wonderful! I had breakfast with my Dad, step mom and little brother, and then went to my sister's house. Her and I painted pottery and went shopping. I found a little christmas tree on sale and put it up as soon as I got home. Food has gone really well today, even had snacks! Not much to say, it was just a really good day. Some of you have messaged me some great ideas to post about and I will be working on those this week, I am really excited. Thanks to those who participate and bring discussion to the blog!! Love you all!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Ed, Ed, Go away....

Today was photo shoot day!!!! I was really excited until I got my make up done. I did not like it! I looked like a clown ;( I asked her to soften it up and it helped a lot! By the time it was time to take my shots (three hours later!) the make up had set in nicely. I was still happy to wash my face when I got home though! I ran to Nick and said "I'm me again!!!" It made me feel better in my own skin and my everyday make up. I did not plan well with time and meals so I went TOOOOO long without eating today. I tried doing some poses on the silks and didn't have the strength to do it. Once I got home I stuffed my face with chocolate donuts and pizza rolls and not one single guilty thought followed!! The night has been good to me ever since <3

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3

Dose of reality

Last night at midnight I saw Breaking Dawn. The movie was awesome but also gave me a picture of what my life could be like. This has nothing to do with vampires or werewolves, but with restricting. Ok the movie something happens that causes Bella to waste away to nothing and eventually causes her heart to give out. The special effects made her look soooo ill and boney I really fought back tears. If I keep restricting, that is what I will look like and there was nothing pretty about that. I don't want to look like that the last time my family to see me. I want them to remember me healthy and happy, not sick and fragile.

Stay strong and beautiful! <3

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Slippery Slope

Today I had a terrible reminder of what life engaging in ED behaviors is like. This morning I had a therapy appointment and I overslept, so I didn't eat breakfast. At my session we planned my meals for the rest of the day. When I got home, I just didn't want what was planned for breakfast which was french toast sticks and syrup. My head told me it was a "fat" meal, actually it was screaming at me. I skipped breakfast. All I had by 2:30 was a small salad and 6 pizza rolls. My head was pounding, my body felt like it was going to collapse any second and I felt sick to my stomach. It reminded me of just how AWFUL starving yourself feels. I ate a bag of animal crackers and felt sooooooo much better. After I ate the animal crackers my head was telling me that I am a bad anorexic. Rough day, but I am trying to turn it around. I do not want to go down that road again.

Hello, OCD

One of the things I do when ED gets, or is, strong is become OCD about silly little things. For one, I feel the constant need to clean the house. I can't just clean up one room without cleaning the entire house! I also start to think of a million things I need to get done and I can't stop thinking about it until it gets done. Like right now, I have a MOUNTAIN of laundry to get done and I have no idea when I will have time to go to mom or dad's to get it done. All I can think about is how I can get it done, if I have enough clothes to make it through the week and on and on and on!!!!!!! Eating didn't go so well today either :-/ I had breakfast, lunch and a mid afternoon kids meal from McDonald's. At dinner time I had made up my mind to not eat dinner. I figure the happy meal could count for it. I spent the evening with Nick. We had a really good time together and it reminded me why I needed to fight ED. Because of my fight I have this wonderful relationship with the man I consider my best friend, not to mention our three cats and puppy that we have :) Once I got home, I made buttered noodles and munched on some chocolate donuts!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Challenge Completed!

Five weeks ago I challenged myself to try a new dance class, aerial silks. Never heard of it? Here is a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZ-tsXcKaXo of Sara Evans at the CMA awards. Go about a minute in and there are people doing aerial silks. HARD, HARD, HARD! Gorgeous to watch and really neat to do, but is very difficult. I am glad I tried it, but am glad it is over! I will stick to dancing on the floor from now on since that is what I am good at. We practiced a trick that is taught in the advanced level and you have to jump and catch the silks in between your belly and hip....well I fell on the floor. The space between the end of my rib cage and my hip bone is only about an inch, so not much room for this trick. At first I was really embarrassed and upset that I didn't do the trick, actually more upset that I couldn't do many of the tricks on the silks, but I was able to soldier on. My teacher reminded me how long it took her to do some of the tricks that I am having the most trouble with and told me not to compare myself to the other girls in the class because I was the only one who was taking the class for the first time. I am really glad that she told me that because I really needed someone in that moment to get me to quit comparing.

Same situation with the food and body image... :/  I am doing the best I can though. The urge to restrict  and lose a mass amount of weight is extremely strong and tough to shake.

Saturday, I am doing a photo shoot for my dance studio- Hair, make up, the whole nine yards. I am excited and hoping that it will help the self esteem!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Made it though another day

Survived Monday. What can I say? Still fighting off a flu bug which makes eating tough. I have a very low appetite and when I do eat, I feel nauseous. As of right now, I have only eaten my three normal meals, no snacks. I am hoping to chuck down a few cookies and make up for it, but I am still so full and sick feeling from dinner! Today before my shower I swore my body had changed dramatically from the night before. Like most girls, I am fine with having a curvy behind....but this morning I SWORE my belly had taken all of the booty's oomph. My eyes saw no but and BUNCH OF BELLY! I know it was just ED distorting my ability to see myself for what I really am, but it was still a tough image to get out of my head. Did that contribute to my lack of appetite? Maybe. That is what worries me: Am I not feeling well because I am not eating enough, or and I not eating enough because I am not feeling well? Is my loss of appetite from the flu, or is the loss of appetite from the image of myself ED has me see? That is what I am trying to figure out!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

urge for revenge

Lately has been rough. Hating my body and all of myself once again. Bad memories have been clouding my grip on reality. I want so badly to get back at Ken and make him pay. Some tell me to forgive and let God handle it and I want to, but you're talking to a girl with severe trust issues. If something needs done, I do it myself to make certain it gets done, and done well. I started journaling again to try and help clear my head and stay strong with my food intake. But tonight I looked at pictures from the NEDA walk and was inspired. The girl in those photos was in control of her disease and was taking her life back from ED and his accomplice, Ken. I want to get back to her and helping others. I am hoping blogging more often will help. Those who have my number and or are Facebook friends with me, I ask you this-harrass be daily to get me to blog. I need your support and encouragement. Please home me to this one. This blog may be my only chance at revenge and I can't let it go. There is a chance of him reading it and if I don't write, he will win.

Stay strong and beautiful!!!!! <3

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urge for revenge

Lately has been rough. Hating my body and all of myself once again. Bad memories have been clouding my grip on reality. I want so badly to get back at Ken and make him pay. Some tell me to forgive and let God handle it and I want to, but you're talking to a girl with severe trust issues. If something needs done, I do it myself to make certain it gets done, and done well. I started journaling again to try and help clear my head and stay strong with my food intake. But tonight I looked at pictures from the NEDA walk and was inspired. The girl in those photos was in control of her disease and was taking her life back from ED and his accomplice, Ken. I want to get back to her and helping others. I am hoping blogging more often will help. Those who have my number and or are Facebook friends with me, I ask you this-harrass be daily to get me to blog. I need your support and encouragement. Please home me to this one. This blog may be my only chance at revenge and I can't let it go. There is a chance of him reading it and if I don't write, he will win.

Stay strong and beautiful!!!!! <3

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