In 2009 I went into treatment at a place in Columbus called the center for balanced living. The level of care I received took place in a building called M's place. That place saved my life, and M continues to save my life to this day. Today I got in touch with tons of men and women that know someone from M's place or have been involved with M's place. It is a safe place for us all to talk about our experiences and get the support that no one else can give. It could not have come at a better time.
Recently I have been feeling a little out of control with my body and eating. I don't feel comfortable in this body and have been getting thoughts of losing weight. Even fantasizing about being underweight again. It scares me to think that I would choose to kill my body to be small. The bad thing is, I know underweight is still never enough, I will still feel as uncomfortable in my body as I do right now at a healthy weight. The constant fight in my head, about not giving into ED knowing it will never make the voice go away and just giving in so that I will feel better in this moment is exhausting! I am tired of it to be quite honest. I am ready to live my life! I wonder when I will be done fighting, it may sound selfish but I can't help but feel like I have already made enough sacrifices for this disease. Doctors always say it is very possible that this disease will be a life long battle. The very thought of that is overwhelming and depressing.
Every time I talk to someone going through the same thing as me, I feel inspired. For every one of you who have shared your stories and fight with me, I thank you with all of my heart. There are some days that your strength is what keeps me fighting also. We are all in this together! We will never give up because we have too much to offer to the world.
Tonight I am making a list of things I want for my future, as a reminder that there is no future if I were to give into ED's lies. He will kill me, but my dreams will save me along with your support and bravery to share your stories with me.
My Future:
-Marry my best friend
-Be a mother to beautiful and healthy babies
-Make an impact on a child's life as a teacher
-Buy a house with a big back yard
-Open an animal shelter
-Advocate Eating Disorders
-Love my body
Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3
