Cook Out Jitters

Happy Memorial Day!! I mentioned last night how holidays and special occasions are always challenging because of all the food. Today was no different. We had a small cook out at my Dad's house, just me my dad, step mom, sister and brother. It was fun to have all of us together, but the overwhelming spread of food was not so fun. I woke up once again without planned meals, partly because I didn't know what was going on today. I had some waffles and a string cheese to get me started. I wrote down what I ate and took my meal planner sheet with me to make sure I got in everything I needed. At lunch time I knew I had to eat enough to equal my morning snack and lunch, so I just filled up my plate chicken and two sides. After I ate I wrote down what exchanges I had gotten with what I had just eaten. Since I did not have the food labels, I had to estimate how much each item was worth. Even if I over estimated, I still had not accomplished my goal of a snack and lunch. I was really discouraged because I was miserably full! After I let my food settle, I had a brownie to add to growing list of exchanges that needed to be met. I did not want food to ruin one more day for me, so I just put away my meal planner sheet and enjoyed the company of my family.

Once I got home, I laid out in the sun for a little while to relax. It felt good to just soak up the sun while sipping on a glass of pink lemonade :) Being in my bathing suit was very nerve wracking! Luckily, there were not many people out to worry about seeing me. Naturally, after 30 minutes in 90 degree heat, a shower was in order. By now it was time for dinner. I was alone and still full from lunch, but I had a lot that needed to get done, so I went to the freezer and pulled out some BBQ turkey and put a pot of water on to make some corn on the cob.  The BBQ sandwich was really tough to get through, but I did it. Looking at my meal planner sheet, I was able to add up all the the exchanges I had left to get in for the day. By seeing everything bulked that I needed to get done, it was easier to figure out something to eat that would get the job done!

I hope everyone had a wonderful memorial day. No matter what your struggle is in life, I hope you were able to take a few minutes to count the good things that are going on in your life.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

TattlED

Yesterday my mom and sister came home from a week long vacation in Florida, and boy am I glad they are back. Ever since my appointment Friday, things have been tough with food. I didn't finish planning my meals for the weekend but I thought that since I had been doing so well, that I would be able to find the things I needed. It didn't work that way unfortunately. Saturday I woke up at 6:30 to take my new puppy, Reece, outside. After I fed him I went back to bed and so did he. We slept in until 11:30 or so, and I took my time getting out of bed. By the time I got around the eating my first meal, it was close to 1:00. Having breakfast at 1 in the afternoon is never a good day, those are always the toughest. I was able to whip up a breakfast that fit my meal plan, but got half way through and simply just could NOT finish it. My stomach hurt so badly because it was so full. I decided to just leave it and try to pick up what I missed at later meals. For some reason I had nooo energy, so I slept most of the day. At about 3:30, I decided it was time for me to try to eat some more, even though my stomach was still in pain from breakfast. I reheated some chicken pasta from earlier in the week and had a few bites and again, just couldn't do it. I decided not to be hard on myself...I had relived some scary and uncomfortable things and this was probably my body reacting to it and protecting myself from the tough emotions. When I got to my mom's and she came home, I let her know I was struggling. One of the best things I can do when I have been restricting, is to tell on myself. If I were to keep it a secret, then that would make it even harder to stop. I did the best I could at dinner and later that night, my mom made me a PB J with some chips to eat along with it. I don't know what I would do without her. I am truly blessed to have such a supportive family, because I could never have gotten this far without them.

Today I struggled with breakfast, but ate an entire personal sized pizza for lunch. I was really proud of myself for that. I have had poor body image all day and have started thinking about going tanning. I am so pale that you can see every vein in my body and there is no make up shade to match my ghostly complexion. Dinner was also tough, but I was able to get down two tacos and my mom was really proud of me for getting the second taco on my own. After dinner I had the perfect distraction- a movie with one of my best friends! We saw Bridesmaids and it was just what both of us needed. Great movie, I think I was the first person to laugh out in the theater! A little girl time with someone who is also battling with ED helped a lot...I felt accepted and not so crazy for a while. Now I am doing my favorite night time routine: Blogging, snuggling with Bella and Reece and watching old Twilight Zone episodes on Netflix. Tomorrow is going to be tough if I go to any cook outs. As of right now I have not heard of any plans, but I am sure that will change come the morning.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Reliving the Nightmare

Today I had my regular therapy session at the wellness center at school. The past few weeks have been really interesting and I am learning a lot about the origin of my eating disorder and the anxiety I have that triggers some of the ED behaviors. Two or three weeks ago, she made me talk to a child's chair as the child version of me was sitting there. It was such a powerful experience, and very emotional. I have never gone back to my childhood other than to reflect on some happy memories. I never took the time to go back and experience through a five year old's eyes what it was like having your parents divorce. I'm not going to whine about it, because it was the best decision for my family and things have worked out much better than a lot of kids who deal with divorce. However, I have repressed the negative feelings I had from when I was a child. I was five, things were changing that I did not understand and none of my friends were going through the same thing. I felt different from my friends. After I talked to "little me" Sarah (my therapist) asked me to sit in the chair and BE the little girl I was. Surprisingly it was not hard for me to go back their. It was so strange, my entire demeanor changed: I was ashamed, couldn't make eye contact and could not form clear thoughts in my head....nothing made sense. I was scared and didn't know what to think or what to say, things were chaotic. From that experience we were able to make some sense of why I am so controlling over certain things...I need to be in control of the chaos of life.

Today we started talking about why being small is so important to me. I told her how I always felt special for being the smallest in my family and hearing people comment on that. She brought up the idea that perhaps it is more about being childlike....totally makes sense. I dealt with a lot of grown up things growing up and things were so chaotic sometimes I feel like I missed out on being a kid some times, so now I try to be a child still and feel that freedom and carelessness. Being small makes me more childlike...it also makes me feel innocent. Which brought us to what I call "The Nightmare."

When I was 16 years old I was in an abusive relationship. Not physically abusive but emotionally and mentally abusive. He was the Ken of high school.....we will go ahead and just call him Ken. I would really love to use his name, but he knows who he is Anyway, Ken was a great athlete, straight A, popular guy. Being with him was like dating a celebrity. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, like every girl wanted to be me because I was with him. I was already insecure of how I looked because the girls he went to school with were gorgeous and very put together, but he just egged on my insecurities. He would say things like "you need to work out more" or telling me that he has dated more talented dancers than me (dancing has been a huge part of my life since I was very little). He stripped me of all confidence in myself and my body. Not only that but his mind games and manipulation even stripped me of my innocence...the last piece of being a child I had left, and now it was gone. Ken programmed me into this self-starving, emotionless shell of a person. I was a little puppet on a string to him. All he had to do was pull the string when he wanted me and I would always be there, no matter what. It took me three years, being almost 20 pounds under weight and going through rehab to get him out of my life. The best thing I ever did for myself was to change Ken's name to ED in my phone to remind me of how sick of a person he is and how he encouraged me to slowly take my own life. Not anymore.

The scars he left me with caused me to take a few wrong turns along the way even though he was out of my life. His mark was left on my mental state and thinking process. It took me a lot of painful therapy sessions to deal with the things he did and said to me, but I did and I was able to erase his programming of my mind. He robbed me of my self esteem, body image, and my innocence but he will NEVER rob me of air in my lungs and a strong heart beat. I survived him and I know one day he will get what he deserves. He puts on a good catholic boy mask, but I know God can see past it :) His actions will not go unpunished and I can take comfort in that when I get down on thinking how much my life has changed because of the things he did.

So, to tie together the loose ends, what has been discovered from the hard work in treatment, is that I am on a mission for innocence, the freedom and carelessness of a child and to feel loved. I am starting to be more gentle with myself and to take care of the little girl inside of me who is hurting over lost innocence and the fear of chaos.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Summer- ED's favorite season

Summer is around the corner and I am dreading it! Summer means short shorts, swim suits and lots of exposed skin. The biggest trigger of all is seeing other girls. There is ALWAYS something to find on others that is better than what you have. Today in art class we presented our multicultural art power points. I sit in the front of the room, so when people would present they would stand right in front of me. Being an education class, it is mostly girls, and a lot of those girls were wearing shorts. I couldn't listen to their presentations because I was too busy comparing. I feel like I have the largest thighs and arms in the world. I hate my thighs so much!

Also in art the topic of the latest 16 and Pregnant came up. The girl on the episode had an eating disorder and struggled with ED for the duration of her pregnancy. Some of the girls in my class were saying they were "mad" while watching it because she should have cared about her baby more. This really upset me because I am sure she was very concerned about her baby but ED would not let her take care of her baby. Pregnancy causes fast changes to your body, something that is unimaginable to a person with an eating disorder. Unless your body is disappearing, any change is bad change. My heart goes out to the girl that was on the episode, to have such an extremely challenging time aired on a widely popular show takes serious courage. Not to mention knowing sooooo many people watching it will be ignorant to the disease or evening recognizing eating disorders as a disease and hearing all of the negative comments people will say. Hats off to her and I plan on catching her episode when I can. I appreciate her story and know it will help me because I want to be a mom some day. It scares me so much to think that I could risk my child's health and well being because of this devil that lives inside of me. I know it will take enormous courage and hard work to make it through a pregnancy and I know that when I am ready to be a mom I will need to meet with my treatment team to work a plan of action. At the NEDA walk a few weeks ago, I learned that children born to parent(s) with anorexia are 14 times more likely to have anorexia themselves. This makes me apprehensive to have my own children because I do not want even one more person, let alone my own flesh and blood, to battle with this disease. If you are having a child or have had children and have ED feel free to share your story with me, because I would love to know more about what that experience is like. Tonight reminded how important it is to spread Eating disorder awareness and educate people on the disease.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Technical Difficulties

I'm back!!!! Sorry I disappeared for a few days. On Monday I worked and was sooo tired that I went to bed early. Last night I went to write and the site wouldn't come up and said I hadn't activated my account.....I don't know!!! But things are fixed now and I can fill you in! Tuesday was a really tough day. When I was walking to class, all I could do was make fun of myself and what I was wearing. I had on a tee shirt and capris with slip on tennis shoes. I thought I looked so stupid. My hair was not cooperating that day either so that just added fuel to the fire. I had tears in my eyes before my 9:00 class even started! I texted my mom and told her I was embarrassed of myself and didn't want any one to look at me. I seriously considered just going home and hiding under the sheets on my bed. My mom and friend reminded me that if I did that, I would be letting ED win. As uncomfortable as it was, I stayed at school and made it through the day. Once I got home I laid down with Bella and took a long nap.

Today was a lot better. I got to sleep in a little bit and took Reece to the vet. He has gained a pound since last month and the doctor said he looks and sounds really healthy. I asked him about the cough he has been having and he said it is most likely just sinus drainage or allergies and not to be too worried. I couldn't wait to tell all of my family about Reece's weight gain, I was so proud of him. It reminded me that his gaining weight is good because it means he is healthy and I need to remember that being a certain weight for your size is a good thing, it means you are healthy and around for another day to love and live. I haven'y had any negative things to say about my body today...well except for how my legs looked in shorts. I am anxious for tomorrow because I know school is a huge trigger for me.

 Hope everyone is staying safe from all of these storms! If possible, please do anything you can to help those in places like Joplin, Missouri who are trying to rebuild their lives after a terrible tornado leveled most of their town. My thoughts are with everyone who is struggling right now.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Losing Momentum

The high I was on this time last week is slipping away. Thinking about planning meals makes me tired to just think about. I know it is what I need to be doing right now to stay on track and get the most out of my recovery, but I am starting to feel to weight. I feel so huge, like everything I put into my body goes to my tummy and stays there forever. Now it is building up and pushing out. I feel so ugly and my motivation to do just about anything is getting lower and lower everyday. I don't feel worth much and am starting to question peoples' love for me. I am at a pretty low spot. I hope it is just temporary and that it will pass soon. I am afraid that if I keep on planning my meals and following my meal plan then I will get fat and no one will love me anymore. These thoughts are painful and make me feel so alone. Help!!!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

The Game of Life

This week has been one of sadness for my group of friends. One of my friends lost his father unexpectedly. It is a sad reminder that life is such a delicate thing. On Thursday, the squad had to go to my dad's house because his blood sugar had dropped so low that he was slipping into a coma. It was a very scary time considering my friend had just lost his father. I don't know what I would do without either of my parents. They are my rocks and my sense of security in this crazy world. Lately things have been scary with eating a full meal plan again and just general feelings of uncertainty, but at the end of the day they make me feel safe. I love them so much. My heart is breaking for my friend who is dealing with such a terrible loss. Today was the first in a few days that my meals were not preplanned, but I did alright. I was able to eat breakfast and get a lunch that would cover my morning snack as well. The only thing I may have been short on was my afternoon snack. Even though I am really tired I am hoping to get tomorrow's meals planned. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Like Charlie Sheen- WINNING

Happy Wednesday everyone!!! Today I got to sleep in a little and it felt wonderful! I met my boyfriend's mom and grandma for lunch and did a little shopping. It was a nice afternoon. I was able to keep on track with my planned meals and it is sooooo much easier to get my meal plan done when I don't have to think about the food. I don't have to think about what to have and that lowers the anxiety that is surrounded around food. My body image and self esteem were not really an issue today it was really nice, like a vacation from my mind. But, tomorrow is a school day and that is very triggering for me. I am really nervous because I did not get the chance to plan my meals for tomorrow. I will pack some cookies to have for my snacks and hopefully plan something for dinner on my break in between classes. Wish me luck!!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Back to Basics

This morning I was really under the weather with ED. I was so embarrassed of how I looked that I strongly considered skipping class so no one would have to look at me. I used my wise mind to go to class and fight through it. Hiding at home would only fuel the fire.  Every time someone looked at me, ED played the role of the mind reader and told me what was going through the other person's mind. I sent text messages to my boyfriend and mom for support, but the class I was in doesn't allow cell phones, so I was forced to fend for myself. I looked so sloppy, my make up was a mess and I didn't bother straightening my hair since it was raining. That was no excuse for ED.

 Before I left for school I brought my binder from rehab with me. During my history class I went through my old meal plans and wrote down what I would eat for the rest of the night and all day tomorrow. I also made a "snack reference" list since I have the most trouble with snacks. This will make it easier for me to just look and decide from the prepared list of what to have. It will be much easier than walking into the kitchen with no ideas and no will to eat a snack. I hope this helps keep me on the right track. Right now I have tomorrow all planned out, hopefully I can find time tomorrow to get Thursday and Friday's meals planned. Going back to the things I did in rehab feels like I am taking a huge step backwards, but I know it is the right thing I need to do right now to get ahead in the long run.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Empowered

The support that has been pouring in the past few days has really helped me. Today, for the first time in I don't know how long, I ate my full meal plan!! It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I worked most of the day so that kept me pretty busy. I had a sister in recovery message me saying how the blog has inspired her to eat her full meal plan....hope you did it girl! One day at a time, we are in this together. Seeing how eating disorders have effected so many different people has empowered me to make a difference and take charge of my own disease. In a way we are the lucky ones. Sounds crazy I know, but think about it. I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease and I have the power to stay alive. There is no risky medication or surgical procedure that could or could not cure me...only I can cure me. As long as I work hard, I live. Does that mean it is easy? Heck no! All I am saying is that I can CHOOSE to live, not HOPE to live. This weekend taught me that I have so much to live for. If I died tomorrow, I would be able to die in peace knowing that I have touched the life of even one person, and that is worth it. I am not doing this to be praised or be complemented for being brave or anything, I am doing this for my own mental clarity and hopefully to touch the lives of others struggling. I am here to be an advocate to those in need and a friend with advice to give to those who feel helpless. I am choosing to live and it feels good.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

In The Driver's Seat

Ever since the walk, I have been really motivated to follow my meal plan. Yesterday I think the only thing I missed was one snack, and today I didn't miss any!! I am so proud of myself. I am trying to plan my meals ahead of time to prevent any restricting that I might want to do. When I was in rehab I used to prepackage meals and snacks so I would just need to grab the brown bag out of the refrigerator and get it done. I hope to do that this week and if not, I hope to make time to do that this weekend and make it a part of my weekend  to-do list. It will be hard and take a lot of my time, but my health is worth it.  I am starting to feel like recovery is worth it again and it feels good. I hope it lasts!!! Finally got my normal computer back so I think I will be writing every night again :) I love you all so much!!!!!

Thank you again for everyone who helped and participated in the walk. I love you team EDucate

**Congrats to my daddy on retirement after 27 years serving as a police officer. So proud of you!**

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

NEDA Walk!!

Today was the day I have been waiting on for months!!The weather held out for us and it stayed dry and warm for our walk. Everyone was so supportive, it was so amazing. Before the walk Some people spoke about eating disorders as a serious mental disease and one woman shared her inspirational story of recovery. I had tears in my eyes as each person spoke. I don't stop and think about how far I have come in two years. It has been a crazy ride and is far from over. Last night Kailyn stayed over and this morning we had breakfast together. I was having trouble toward the end of the meal but she helped me finish. At the park where the walk was held they had information about ED and treatment options....and snacks because it was snack time for most of the participants in recovery. I was able to reunite with a few girls I went to treatment with and it was so great to see them. I miss them all so much. When I am around them I feel much stronger and like I belong. Like I told you earlier, my mom's friend donated shirts and they were perfect. Someone asked where they were selling them because they liked them so much, it made me so proud of myself and my team! After the walk, me and my family went to lunch then out for frozen yogurt. For the first time in weeks I didn't have one thought about eating or food, I just did it. There was so much happy distraction that ED was extremely powerless. Right now I am exhausted and need a nap before some friends come over. Thanks to everyone who helped make today possible, it was the motivation and inspiration I needed!!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Uncomfortably Healthy

I am finally getting over my cold and my stomach flu. Hopefully they stay away! I have so much going on that being sick just makes everything a million times harder. School has been keeping me pretty busy! The NEDA walk is this Saturday so I am getting last minute things together for that! I am still battling it out with ED. Food is still taking priority in my mind. I have been able to get three meals in the past few days and a few small snacks. I feel so enormous and uncomfortable. I want to get sick but I know that won't help things at all.

Lately it seems like everywhere I look I see someone who looks like they are anorexic and I get jealous. ED points out how thin they are and that they are still functioning. He makes me feel like a loser for not being thin like them. Healthy is not thin, healthy is just.....average. There is nothing special about it, nothing that makes you stand out from the crowd. You are probably saying to yourself, "why do you want to be noticed for looking like a skeleton?" I guess my answer to that would be that it seems like being thin always has a positive stigma to it. Every where you look people are talking about trying to lose weight, to me that says being how they are currently isn't good enough but being thinner would be better. I have always been asked to help out with chores because I was small and could do jobs only a small person could...that always made me feel really special. In class I look around to see if it came down to it I would be the smallest in the room. I get devistated when I am not. That means I am doing something wrong and the smaller person is doing it correctly. I am so fed up with this disease, it takes up so much time and effort from me and I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have it. Would I be doing more with my life? I can't help but wonder.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Can't Shake It

Finally got over my stomach flu, now I have either a cold or a sinus infection. I am going to go to the health center tomrorrow at school to find out. Even that makes me not want to eat because of all the nasty stuff draining into my stomach. Today was a pretty good day, I got some errands done this morning and spent some time with my brother's class and the kids at work. My head was so stuffy that I was pretty much zoned out for most of the day. The best I ate today was my lunch, the rest I am not even going to talk about. I feel so full and big. Tonight my dad and I went to get ice cream and the girl in front of us in line was so tiny, it made me feel like a huge hippo. Her arms didn't have an ounce of fat on them, she barely had muscle on them! I know how unhealthy she must be but I couldn't help but to be jealous. I want someone to look at me and wonder if I have an eating disorder. That is so messed up I know, but that is how ED twists your mind!! I need to get some rest so I can make it through school tomorrow. I hope I feel better so I can get back to recovery.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Still no word on my weight, but I feel like I am doing better. I am beginning to feel huge, and it is hard to accept that I am probably gainging weight. Yesterday I did alright with my food, nothing great, but better than the past few days. Today I didn't have lunch but ate a lot at dinner and had a couple extra things after dinner. I feel so fat and gross. All evening I was pinching and pushing on my body. I miss the flu I had, it was miserable, but I felt empty and light.

On the happier side, next Saturday is the NEDA walk in Columbus and I am so excited. I have been working for months on getting supporters and people to walk for the cause. The team I put together has raised over a thousand dollars, I am so proud of every one's hard work and generosity. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I hope everyone can take a day to focus on what matters, family. I plan to be mindful of each moment that I spend with my family tomorrow. I hope ED doesn't ruin the day for me!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

I'm guessing you are all wondering how the doctors went yesterday....well let's just begin this story with the beginning of my Wednesday. The alarm goes off at 6 a.m to let Reece outside to go potty. After he did his business, we snuggled up on the couch and I noticed a really awful feeling in my stomach. I was really too tired to do anything about it so I just went back to sleep. Three hours later I woke up sick to my stomach. I was hoping it would pass after the first episode, but I was wrong! I was able to get ready and go to my appointment and get weighed. She didn't say anything about a loss or gain, so I have NO idea if I made any progress at all. I am supposed to see her (my dr) tomorrow morning if I don't get called into work. I hope to find out more then. Why am I going to see her twice in one week? Well, that's where things get sticky....literally. During my session I felt a few knots form in my tummy....without much warning I got sick again- in her office. It was so embarassing, especially since our sessions are video taped!! I was supposed to go to work after my appointment, but since I couldn't go twenty minutes without-well you know, I had to tell them I couldn't come in. I slept for three hours before I had to take Reece to his check up.

To say the least, I ate NOTHING yesterday. It had nothing really to do with ED, but a lot to do with having a flu. Today on the other hand was difficult. I still felt queezy but I also enjoyed the feeling of being completely empty. Ed was telling me "you had the advantage of being sick yesterday. Everything is out of your body, now all you need to do is keep it that way." I fought through his temptations and ate the best I could. I am still very tempted though...I am ashamed to admit it, but it is the truth. If I am going to try to open peoples' eyes to ED, being honest is exactly what I need to do.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Baby Steps

Tomorrow is my doctors appointment, I am so nervous to get weighed. I hope my weight has improved but at the same time I am not ready to come to terms with gaining weight. It has been a really tough week with food, it is still constantly on my mind, but I am working really hard to get all my meals in and even snacks. Today I ate three meals and three snacks. The snacks I ate, were not what my meal plan requires, but it is a step in the right direction. Yesterday I made enchilladas for dinner and fresh fruit salad. I was really proud of myself for cooking and even more proud of myself for eating it. A lot of people with eating disorders develop a love or fascination with cooking food and serving it to others. When I was really sick I loved to bake and see the reaction of my family to my food. It made me feel good to control the food and who was consuming it. It is a strange thing that happens with ED, but I know a few people that have had similar experiences.

Today in my science and mathematics class, we studied surface area. We did an exercise where we measured around a person in our group; once with their hands to their side and once with their arms spread out. I was the one chosen to be measured because I was the shortest. I know some people would hate to be the shortest, but I associated that with being the smallest in my group. I felt proud and special to be chosen to be measured. Luckily my waist was not measured, so the numbers of the measurement did not bother me. Although, after that exercise I began to focus on the meal that would occur after class let out...lunch. I did not pack my lunch so I would need to buy my lunch at school. The options are limited and not the healthiest.  I didn't want to eat at all, but I knew I needed to. I took my time in the market examining my options. I chose strawberry milk, grilled cheese, curly fries, pasta salad and a banana. I ate all of my grilled cheese except for a few bites of the crust, all of my fries but one and about half of the pasta salad (the sauce was too strong).

For dinner, I made a pizza and had some fruit salad for desert. Overall, I would say it was a pretty successful day for me. I did what I had to do even when it was very uncomfortable. I am really full right now and having a lot of stomach discomfort, but I know that is part of the refeeding process. My body has trust issues with me and food, I don't blame it!!

Hope everyone is having a great week despite the crummy weather (if you are in Ohio).  Congrats to America on a job well done :) After ten years it sometimes becomes numb to people that we are in a war and losing men and women everyday. The assassination of Osama Bin Laden has made many people reflect  on the events of September 11, 2001. Please remember all of our troops fighting for us, they are doing an amazing job making the world a much safer place for everyone. Thank you to all that serve.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Surviving

Well, I survived a very busy weekend! Reece is doing so well with his potty training, I am so impressed. I love him so so much. Bella is adjusting well too! She is no longer hiding under the bed all the time. She is now at the point where she can be out when Reece is and still spend time with me. Her love is extra special to me. My dad let me adopt her while I was in rehab and she has always been a reminder to me of what I am fighting for. Also, my mom put into perspective for me about my restricting; she said "Imagine how you would feel if Bella or Reece stopped eating. How would you feel?" That is so true, I need them so much and I know they need me as well. If I can't find it in myself to fight for my own life, I need to fight for theirs... and I will. Yesterday I went to lunch with my mom and it was one of the toughest meals I have had in a while. I ordered spaghetti and chicken and when I got full my hands began to shake. To distract my mom and I went to walmart and bought some things for Reece. That night for dinner Nick and I went out for our anniversary and I was so nervous about the meal I didn't talk much. He thought something was bothering me, but really I was just worried about the meal. My family is so supportive, I don't know what I would do without them. I am still struggling to get more than three meals in, but I'm working hard to even do that much.  Tomorrow is a busy day with work and studying for midterms! I am a little stressed about the upcoming week, but I plan on making a lot of to do lists to keep my mind focused on what is important. 

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3