Little Belly, Big Problem

The past few days have been really good except for being too aware of my belly. It feels and looks so big. I have been comparing a lot and putting my self worth on the size of my waist. I haven't restricted, though the desire is there. It is so strange how I can post about not wanting to take action toward my insecurities one day and the next write about wanting to starve myself. But then again, nothing with eating disorders make sense. I know rationally my tummy is not that big, and that it is a normal, healthy sized stomach, but since it does not have defined abs...that means it is fat an unattractive. I am doing the best I can do at taking care of myself and getting done what needs to get done. The worst thing I can do right now is give ED more attention.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Understanding Life

I am at a tough spot in my recovery...letting go of the obsession. For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how I look, the shape of my body, and worrying about what other people think of me. But now that I am spending the majority of my time working (like the adult I struggle to be) I am starting to see my priorities much more clearly. What used to obsess my time, now only concerns me. No doubt I still care about all of those things, but I am starting to realize my power over them is not as strong as I had always thought.

Yes, I can eat healthy (which I absolutely MUST) and dress nicely and do my hair and make up, but my control over my appearance ends there. How I look is how I look and that is the end of that! I have heard this sooo many times, but never understood it until now. Make up does not MAKE you pretty, it highlights the beauty you already posses.

A very big part of my eating disorder is triggered by my stomach.  I hate how it looks, feels, moves and  fills out clothes. I know I can work out, but I know I will lose control and over exersice. I can watch the things I am eating, but that leads to labeling foods as "good" and "bad" and slowly restricting meal by meal out of my day. The things Non-EDs (people without ED) can do to stay healthy and look good are the things that make me unhealthy and look sick. Just another twisted reality in the world of ED.

Sooooo, what I can do about the shape of my body is limited...I can choose not to sit on my butt, but I can't go for a jog. I can watch what I eat, BUT I have a quota that needs to be met no matter how I feel. Some people living with ED can exercise without losing control and spiraling into other behaviors, but it takes a lot of discipline and I am just not there yet.

All day at work today I was feeling and pinching my belly. On the way home I made up my mind that I would either go exercise or go swimming. I walked inside my apartment, saw Bella and Reece and the "need" and urgency I felt to exercise and change my belly went from a 10 to a 1. I missed them all day and they were so happy for me to be home, how could I leave them again to do something as selfish as doing an activity that I know will only lead me down a destructive path. They need me just as much as I need them. They remind me everyday why I work so hard and stay so strong.

At the end of the day it is not about the shape of my body, the way I look or what other people think about me...it is about the love and support that you get from the people (and animals) that matter and doing everything you can to give them that love and support in return. We have all heard the saying "love is blind." Well, I believe it. The ones in life that TRULY love you don't see you for what is seen on the outside. They do not care if you are 60 pounds or 1 million tons, blonde and tan or pale and brunette (my personal favorite) they love you for the person you are. So don't stop being you!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Another Long Week

This week has been so long!! Worked all week and the weather was so hot that it just wears on your body. Tonight I cleaned the house really well and it felt really good to stay busy. I have felt really bloated (in EDs terms FAT) today but I am surprised that I can have the thought of feeling big, but not have the response of "I need to restrict, exercise or do something to lose weight." Big step for me, kind of a weird experience! It is like I am like every other woman in the world who has an insecure "fat day." Even through feeling insecure, I have still eaten my full meal plan and I feel proud of myself. Staying true to my recovery plan even during tough times is the power I have that makes ED weaker and weaker. The fact that I am not thinking about restricting says it all! I have a kitty on my lap that needs some lovin'.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Me Time

Today was the first day in a while that I have had the morning off of work. I slept in a little bit and ran some errands. I took a break from errands and sat down and had lunch at Panera. I never thought I would eat at a restaurant alone, but today I did it twice and it was peaceful! For dinner I went to Noodles and Company, so yummy. It felt good to take care of myself in that way. Haven't thought much of my body today which has been really nice. I am still having some insecurities about being enough for Nick, but I am hoping to go on a date sometime soon and that it will help ease my mind.


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Counting My Blessings

Hello Loves!! The past two nights I have been unable to post because of a family emergency.  My sister's cat that lives at my dad's house got out of our yard and went missing. I spent Thursday night and all of Friday searching for her and putting up posters. It was such a terrifying few days wondering where she was, if she was hurt, hungry or thirsty. My whole family was upset and I did my best to be strong and positive to keep everyone going. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it because last night my dad found her! She was across the street, safe and sound. She is home now with her family and I am so happy. Realizing how scary it was to not know where your pet was or her well being really made me appreciate my pets even more. Each night that I came home from searching for Khloe, I held Bella and Reece extra tight. They are my entire world and some days they are the only reason I get out of bed! I love them so much and there is no doubt that they have saved me. Bella came into my life when I was in treatment in the worst part of my battle with ED, I have always called her my angel. Reece was a little surprise, I was not planning on getting another pet, but when I saw his little face I knew he was mine. He is a lot of work but he gets me out of the house and the love he gives will always be more than worth the 5 a.m pottys!!  


Last night, Nick and I spent the evening searching for Khloe and then we snuggled up and watched a movie. It was great quality time and just kept me counting all of the blessings in my life.  There are so many!!! Things are starting to feel much better! Still eating my full meal plan and tonight I even ate a little extra!! 


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Good Day. Bad Body Image.

Another good sleep in day!! Went to work for a few hours and got some Subway for dinner. After dinner I felt so full and uncomfortable. I took a shower and being nakey was sooo embarrassing even though it was only me who saw my body. I was completely disgusted and self conscious. I feel really low right now because of how my tummy looks. I feel like a huge fatty. I don't know how I have a boyfriend because I am so unattractive :( I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore, and honestly I don't blame him.


This feeling is so dark, lonely and hopeless. I want to cry. I just want to be beautiful and feel beautiful. I can't stand my reflection it is possibly the ugliest thing I have ever seen.  I hate feeling this way but you will have these times when you suffer from and eating disorder. What I choose to do with these emotions and feelings is what makes the differences over all. I used to think even feeling this way meant I was letting ED take over. Now I have come to accept this as another one of my emotions-some days I am sad, mad, happy and sometimes I am self conscious. How I respond to the feeling is the determinate of who wins-me or ED. I know I would feel better if I restricted, but I would not only be losing to ED, I would be losing everything I deserve: my education, health, relationships, and life in general. I do not want to lose, so I will continue to stay on my meal plan and allow this feeling to pass, because I know it will, it always has. Times like this are when I need to be my strongest.


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Motivation Needed

Today I slept in and found it extremely hard to get out of bed. I had some really cool dreams that made my real life seem so dull. I did not want to wake up to my life. It was a really low feeling and I felt really depressed and just had no motivation at all. I looked at my pets and knew they needed me to get up, especially Reece because he needed to go outside. Once I got up and moving things got better, I made some lunch, had a snack and went to work for a few hours. After work I went to the grocery and got a lot of good stuff. At home I made a good dinner- Turkey hot shots, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Cooking makes me feel really good. Eating the food I make is easier to do because instead of focusing on the eating part I am proud of myself for making good food! I love having the house smell like dinner :) Today turned out pretty good even after a rough start.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Fighting Back

Lately things have been rough and I ended up totally restricting for a few days straight. It was the only way I could deal with the emotions I was feeling at the time. Now that I have faced my problems head on and am dealing with what life is throwing at me right now, I am doing better. Today is the first day in a week that I have eaten my entire meal plan. I feel really bloated and uncomfortable, but I know I my body needs it now more than ever. I have been working a lot of hours and finally took some time to spend some of the money I have earned. Shopping is great therapy and I needed it! I got a bunch on new dresses and it made me really happy. Like I always do when clothes shopping, I went ahead and bought what I liked in a size that looks like it will fit and tried it all on at home. What doesn't fit or look right is easier to deal with when you are in the comforts of your bedroom! Of the 7 outfits I got only one is being returned and it is because it fits weird, not because it is too tight. Things are slowly looking up, but things are still very fragile with me. I need you all now more than I have since I have started blogging.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Bronchitis..blah!

Hello loves! The past couple of days have been pretty rough! I went to the doctor and found out I have a bad case of bronchitis. After 2 breathing treatments, 3 shots and lots of medicine, I am beginning to feel better. My voice still isn't back, but with a few more days of rest I will be much better! At the doctor they put me on the scale and it took every bit of me not to look up and see what number appeared. I reminded myself that only the doctor needs to see it and I held strong. In the exam room the nurse took my blood pressure and when she put the strap around my arm I felt like my arm was so tiny and I loved it! When she went over my medications she asked what I took them for and I told her I had anorexia and after I said that she looked at my body. It was a very awkward moment but not everyone understands it, even some in the medical field. Whenever the issue of my medical condition comes up I always say "I have anorexia" instead of saying "I'm anorexic" because I feel like the latter sounds more like a choice. Anorexia is a disease and not a choice, yes I am anorexic just like my dad is diabetic, but since ED is so misunderstood, I make sure to word it in a way that doesn't suggest it as a choice.  Not much has happened lately other than that and a lot of sleeping!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3