ED LIES

So today was much better than yesterday! I woke up with a whisper of a voice but went to work anyway. The teacher I was with was much more talkative to me today and that made me feel better about her liking me. She thanked me for helping her this week because it helps her have the same sub long term that actually helps and knows what they are doing. We also got on the topic of the other sub that is taking over in her room as assistant teacher and she did not know how she got the job and hasn't really talked to her at all, so I didn't need to take it personally. ED is so mean! It is like everything I believed yesterday was debunked today with just one conversation! After work I had my brother and step mom over to swim and have dinner with me. It was a lot of fun and having them at the pool with me helped a lot!

The pool is a VERY triggering place to be for a person with an eating disorder. I noticed three girls at the pool with very tight abs. I started feeling insecure and getting urges to just RUN!! I was able to distract by playing with my brother in the pool. When we got out to dry off the song "Who Says" by Selena Gomez came on the radio and with the sun shining on my skin I remembered why life is so beautiful. Every one is different and that is what makes life worth living! I would hate going to work if all of the kids there looked and acted the same. I hope I can learn to be more comfortable with my body this summer...maybe allowing a limited amount of exercise a day would help, that will take a lot of structure and self accountability on my part though. I need to think about it for a while...

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Day by Day

Hello my loves. This week has kicked my butt! Working all day on top of being sick is really hard! I barely have a voice and have absolutely no energy. I am so tired that I don't even care about taking care of myself, all I want to do is sleep. Tonight, when I got home from work I tried to eat pizza, but after one bite I stopped and fell asleep. When I woke up (2 hours later!) I went to the refrigerator to see what my choices for dinner were...and again nothing sounded good. I settled for a box of mac n cheese and called it a night. Now I am in bed, I can't breathe and I feel sick to my stomach.

 Even with all of these distractions, ED is still there. The teacher I am working with this week is nice, but I feel like she doesn't like me. I don't know if it is just ED but I feel very paranoid around her. I start worrying about how I look and my job performance. The other teacher in her room, that I am subbing for this week, is moving out of state and they hired another sub to fill her place for the summer. I started to wonder why they didn't ask me and began to criticize myself, how I work, how far along I am in my degree, and that the other teacher asked NOT to have me because she didn't like me! Ugh this week is really getting to my head!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Hello loves! Feeling a sinus infection coming on so I am going to bed early tonight!

stay strong and beautiful! <3

Rough Day...

I know I haven't been keeping up with my writing as often as I used to, but I have been working a lot and been pretty busy! I haven't forgotten about you my loves, no worries.

Today was a pretty rough day, I have to admit I did not do my best. I ate a small breakfast and after that had very strong urges to restrict and had every intention on following through with those urges. As the day went on I began feeling guilty about restricting which is a very good thing, but a strange feeling at the same time. I am usually feeling guilty for NOT restricting, not the opposite! I guess that means my rational mind is getting stronger than my ED mind :) I got some Subway with my step mom and little brother and that helped to not eat alone. A few hours later it was time to go out to eat for my step dad's birthday. We went to a European restaurant so the food was different and the menu had like three things I eat. I was still full from Subway and felt enormous. I did the best I could but knew it was no where near enough. At home, after my tummy settled a little, I snacked on little things around the house that would be sit lightly on my tummy. I felt better that I was able to get a little more in my body before the day was over. ED did not completely win today!

I am curious as to your thoughts on the post about the scale....do you agree about the importance of knowing your weight? Let me know!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Measure of what?

Wednesday!!! My favorite day of the week. Had work today and that was about it. I had a little negative body image, but was able to work through it by distracting. Like I said yesterday, I am going to talk about something different that has to do with living with an eating disorder. Today I wanted to talk about scales...

A few days ago, I was talking to my best friend about being weighed. She does not have an eating disorder, but like every other woman in the world she weighed herself and felt insecure. We got to talking and it started to upset me how our society has made weight such a defining characteristic of beauty.  I think that scales should only be used at the doctor's office to keep and eye on your health. There is no need to even know what number the scale spits out...after all it is JUST A NUMBER. Like age, it means nothing as to who you are as a person. You can look at someone and guess how old they are and you can do the same with weight, but even if you do guess correctly does that mean anything about that person? No, they are not nicer, prettier, smarter or in any way better than anyone else because they are a certain age or weight. As people grow older in age they are at greater risk of different health issues, same goes for weight. The more you weigh, the more at risk you are for different health issues and diseases. This is why I feel it should only be the doctor's concern. The doctor is responsible for keeping track and checking for diseases and such that are common in people of certain ages and weight. In this case, knowing the weight of a person is beneficial, but I can not think of one case in which knowing your own weight is beneficial. When you know what you weigh it does nothing but hurt your feelings and make you feel inadequate. Why should be know what we weigh? If we were over weight then our doctors should help guide us to a healthier weight without placing emphasis on a number because....IT IS JUST A NUMBER!!!! I know that some people do not go to the doctor regularly, but again that is their own risk to take. I think the world would be a lot happier of a place is people did not focus on a silly number. Remember, whatever that mechanical platform says you weigh does not make you ugly, stupid, bad, wrong or any less of a person. You are you and your weight is just a number that only your doctor needs to keep track of....if there is a problem with your number they will help you get it where it needs to be, so stop stressing over a few digits :)

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Its a Good Good Life

Hello loves!! The past couple days have been pretty uneventful, sleeping in and working for a few hours. I have been planning meals and enjoying every moment of every day. Tonight I went to dinner with my aunts and did a little shopping after. I bought some capris for work and a form fitting dress and actually liked the way it hugged my body. I am beginning to embrace my body and the curves it has. If I were teeny tiny, that dress would look ridiculous on me, but since I am at a healthy weight, I have a butt to fill out the dress :) Sorry so short, but really not too much going on. I am working on a list of things to write about other than my daily life so look for some of those posts in the next few days!

Stay Strong and Beautiful <3

I'm Still Here!!!

I am so sorry I haven't written in a while other than small updates from my phone. I worked all week and Thursday and Friday were so busy that when I did get home, I went right to bed! Friday was my last session with my therapist on campus. I will miss her so much and appreciate all she has done for me. We went to places I have never gone to in therapy and was able to put a lot of my past behind me for good. I have been able to see myself for what I really am and that is something I can not thank her enough for. She will change so many lives and I am so honored to have been able to be her patient. Saturday was really stressful for me. Because I worked all week, I got behind on planning my meals so I had nothing to go on. On top of no plan for food, there were about a million things going on! Everybody wanted me to do stuff and I want to see everyone so I say yes to everyone! In between my date with my sister at the mall and my brother at the movie, I checked my final grades for Spring quarter and got very upset. Last quarter I got all A's and made the Dean's list, but this quarter I got one A and three B's. I was so mad because I had checked my grade for my Science and Math class the last week of school and had a 94%, so how did it drop to a B in a week? I also saw that I got a 74% on my final for my History class when I had done research for my essay prior to the exam!! I tried to remind myself that she is a very unfair grader and that a B is still good for her class, but after seeing the B in the class I had expected an A in just made it that much worse!!! I had been off of my medicine for a few days while the pharmacy worked out a problem with the insurance company so dealing with this situation was a million times harder than it would have been if I had my medicine. Tough weekend to say the least. I ended up missing some snacks and a meal yesterday because it was what I had to do to get through the day. It was the only way I could handle the situation and get through it. This morning I woke up determined to do better and it started out that way. I had my breakfast and a good sized lunch, but after that I just stopped. It had felt sooo good to restrict yesterday that I wanted to do it even more. I restricted for about five hours and started to feel light headed and weak. I was watching Kayla's episode of 16 and Pregnant and seeing her make it through a pregnancy with anorexia reminded me why I need to eat. I want a family some day and I need to take care of myself now so that my body is healthy enough to even conceive a baby down the road. I made a snack and planned my meals for tomorrow. I am feeling  a little better, but it is going to be a challenging evening for me. I know I can do it though.

Happy Father's Day to my daddy!!!! Thank you for always supporting me. You have been my hero since I was a little girl. I love you so much.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

At my friend's dance recital and miss dance so much! Maybe come out of retirement??

Super overwhelmed! So much to do today and meals aren't planned!!!

Brighter Side of ED

Hello my loves! Last night I had a sleep over with one of my best friends, sorry I didn't write!! Yesterday was a little tough with food. I woke up late so I had to cram in a lot of stuff before I went to work. I also have been feeling bloated lately, so that doesn't help the food intake! Good news though...ever since last week's session my body image has been a LOT better. I look at my reflection and see me as I am, not me as what I am not. It feels really good to not pick myself to pieces. I am much happier and can talk to my coworkers and friends without being paranoid about my appearance. I have realized that they do not know what "I am supposed to be" per ED, they know me as what I am, end of story. To them I am perfect because I am the way I am supposed to be. It is important to remind yourself that perfection is subjective. My, or ED's rather, expectations for myself are mine only, they are not held true to others in the world and they do not judge me or see me for who I am not. Coming to this revelation has truly made my life so much brighter and I hope that this is truly the light at the end of the tunnel that I have been waiting two years to find. This is absolutely a huge step in my recovery and I am so proud of myself for getting to this point.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

The Big Picture

Today was a really good day. I slept in with my babies and got some errands finished before work. Work was really fun. It has been a while since I worked so it was really fun seeing all my kids again. A lot of the babies moved into the toddler room! It is so neat to watch them grow up. Just a little while ago I reread my old journal. The entries went back before rehab, when I was really engaged in my eating disorder. It was really tough to read and relive the moments. As I read, I could feel ED taking over. It felt like a heaviness in my chest and a lump in my throat. Reading those tough times before and during treatment just made it very clear to me how far I have come in the past three years. My two year anniversary of my recovery is coming up this week. I am so proud of myself. It will have been exactly two years since I have purposely made myself sick. That is a huge milestone for me, especially after reading the about what a dark place I was in three years ago. I am feeling very proud of myself, blessed for having overcome this disease and also very vulnerable for having read what I went through in more detail. I could tell you what happened to me in a nut shell, like I did in an earlier post, but to read the details from when I wrote them in the moment, are much more hard to swallow. I know I will bounce back, but right now I am feeling some uncomfortable emotions.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Family Time!

Hey Loves!! This weekend was really busy, but great. Saturday Reece and I went to visit my mom at work and had lunch with her at a game Nick was umping. After the game we headed to Columbus to spend the night with my sister. It was really nice to spend some time with her, we don't get too very often. She means so much to me and I am so proud of her.  We did some shopping and rented a movie. Reece enjoyed his visit also.

Today, we went to lunch with my Aunt, Uncle, cousin and his fiance. It was so nice to see them. Wish I got to see them more often. I meant to look up the menu for the restaurant before hand, but I forgot so choosing what to order was a little nerve wracking. I was able to find something and play with a little puzzle toy to keep my hands busy. When I am anxious it helps to do something with my hands, sometimes I will play with silly putty.  When the food came the sandwich was so big!!!! I felt like it took my forever to eat. I was unable to finish the entire sandwich but after lunch I got a smoothie to make up for what I didn't finish. I have felt pretty huge today, but luckily I was too busy to obsess over it. Every now and then I would catch my thoughts wondering to my belly, but I would quickly change my focus by talking to who ever was around me.

Hope every one had a great weekend!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Just had lunch with my Aunt Susan, Uncle Steve and Kevin and Ashley. It was great to see them! Spent last night in Columbus with my sister...more tonight!

Not Even Perfect Will Do

Today's therapy appointment was really good, I think it may have changed the way I fight ED. My therapist, Sarah, asked me to draw the "perfect" me. The task was very anxiety provoking, but I did it. When I gave her the picture with the list of "perfect" attributes she asked me a good question: If you were all of these things would you be happy? I said that if I had all of those things then I would quit thinking I was ugly...but Sarah went further. She brought up the attribute "thin."

"When you were sick and underweight, were you thin enough?" The answer is obviously no! When I was teeny tiny, in my eyes I was still fat and still had weight to lose. From there she asked; since I was never thin enough when I was underweight, what would make me think that possessing this picture of "perfection" would be "perfect" enough? She totally opened up my eyes today to the fact that this "perfection" I have been on a mission to become would never be good enough for ED. So now what? It is clear now that ED will never love me or change is vision of "perfect" to fit what I already am, but what now? Now, I am done trying to change me, and am dedicating my recovery to changing ED. I can't change who I am or what I look like, but I can change how he talks to me and how much power I give his words.

First step....accept something easy. I chose to accept my hair. For the next week (surprise, I have one more week with her!!!) I will be paying attention to how I let go of ED's power over my hair. I will challenge his words when I get ready and any time throughout the day. When I am doing my hair I need to tell him to get over himself because this is my hair and this is what it is going to look like today. I hope I can do it!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Just Keep Scrubbing...

The phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side," is taken to the extreme when you live with an eating disorder. Not only is the grass greener, it is prettier, thinner, more attractive and more desired. Everything about that damn grass over there is just perfect. As you all know I walked across the street to the greener grass when I got my spray tan. My pale complexion has always been something I have been self conscious about and even when I took action and changed it, I still hated how I looked. ED was not happy even when I was tan like he has always said I should be. He told me all week how it didn't look natural, everyone who said it looked good was only lying to me because they knew I needed to hear it looked okay, and that I am a fake. It is true, I didn't feel like myself. There were times I actually felt pretty, then ED reminded me that I had to change myself to be pretty and I felt ugly once again. He is such a hypocrite, before the tan I wasn't pretty and I should change and when I do, still not good enough and I am stupid for changing. This whole week has been a paranoia ED hell. I got so sick of it that today, hands trembling, I began scrubbing my body. Of course it doesn't miraculously come off so now I look like a giraffe, all spotted brown and white. I am trying to refrain from going back into the tub and scrubbing all night, but I know I will come off in time, I just need to be patient and keep scrubbing. Hopefully this trip through hell will help me appreciate my natural porcelain skin....doubtful with ED.


Finals are finally over and summer has begun. Tomorrow I have my last therapist appointment with the girl I have been with all quarter :( After my dad and I are going to look at an apartment and then the night belongs to me and my family :)


Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Something to remember today: No war was ever won hiding in fear.

Girl Therapy

Tonight I went shopping with a few of my girlfriends. It was really fun and I needed some time with friends. I spend so much time alone that I think sometimes ED feeds on my solidarity. He was picking on my character today. My job has many different locations and I only signed up to work at the campus location. A different location got my number and called me today to work because they were short staffed. I turned them down because I never agreed to work at that location. Could I have, yes, which is why ED tore me apart for my decision. "You are lazy and worthless" he says over and over. I felt so guilty, like my work should just fire me. I talked to my sister and she helped me feel better. She said I am doing what I signed up for and that location was not what I agreed to. I had already made plans for the afternoon and still needed to get my lunch in so I wouldn't be much help to them anyway. I am still being tough on myself but I keep reminding myself that I am going to be working at least 3 days a week all summer and will be available to come in any other day, so I need to allow myself this week to get through finals and have a little bit of fun. ED still thinks I am lazy and worthless and hasn't stopped letting me know that. He is such a freaking jerk. I am doing the best I can balancing school, work and eating. Right now eating is a full time job for me, so if I turned down hours at a location I never signed up to work at then it is okay. I just need to keep reminding myself that.

Right now I am a little behind on my snacks and need to combine them into one snack which will be pretty tough to do.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Kick in the Butt!

Thanks to everyone who left me messages on Facebook kicking my butt and getting me back on track! I really needed some motivation and support. Thanks for stepping up when I needed you guys <3 I planned my meals like I wanted to. Today has been much easier because of doing so. Lunch was really hard though! After my first exam this morning I got a smoothie and it filled me up! My next exam was at 1:00 so I would have to eat lunch before I left for school. I was still so full that it was really hard to get down. I talked to my mom and friend to get through it, but it was definitely a challenge!! The only time I had trouble was when I was at school....go figure I had trouble when I was around people. Once I got home all of the anxiety surrounding my appearance disappeared. Just one more day of finals and that stresser will be gone. I need to remember that everything will be fine and everything will get done when it needs to. It is very hard for me not to stress, I always want to get things done immediately so I won't have to think about it later. I have a fear of forgetting to do something important so it is easier to just get everything done right away. All in all it was just another day in my crazy life! I know right now my mom is about to pick up the phone and call me and tell me I am not crazy :p Sorry mom, but  it is a pretty crazy life! But it is my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Shut Down

Today has been extremely tough...I am so ashamed to even tell you about it. I did so awful today with food. I didn't even get in half of my meal plan and I didn't even care. After breakfast I was so full that I didn't bother eating until 5:00 and even then, I didn't want to because I felt so full and fat. If it weren't for me being with my dad, I would have restricted the rest of the day. I am so stressed with finding a new place to live, finals, and getting used to my spray tan that I just need some help. I am paranoid that everyone hates my tan, that it doesn't look natural or good at all. I don't believe people when they say that it does because ED tells me it doesn't. I have had it done a few times in the past and never has it ever looked orange or streaky, so why would it be different now? ED is so mean and feeds on my insecurities at my most vulnerable moments and today I gave in to him and he won. I hate admitting it, but he did. I want to cry and give up but I know that is not an option....death is NOT an option. Tomorrow I am going to have lunch with my mom and hopefully I can get some meals planned while I am with her. I can't do this alone and I need to quit trying. This is serious and I am scared. I hate feeling out of control because I know my life is in my own hands. Sorry this is so short, I just am really running on no motivation and have shut down...

Stay Strong and Beautiful <3

Checking in from my phone. Having a TOUGH day!!! Can't wait to write to you later!

stay strong and beautiful! <3

Letting the Paint Dry

Hello Lovelies!! Checking in while I let the paint dry on my picture. I am in the middle of apartment shopping and have been making lots of homemade things to put in my new home :) So far I have make a dog leash/ treat holder to hang on the wall and now I am working on a painting to put in my bathroom. Today I got a spray tan because I have been so self conscious about my skin lately. I feel more confident since having it done, so I guess it is a good thing I went ahead and did it. I don't like the idea of changing myself, but if it makes me feel better then I will do it (as long as it is nothing major or permanent). Still haven't planned my meals but I am hoping to do that tomorrow or Monday.

Yesterday was my session with my therapist on campus. It was a very interesting one! Ever since we did the child exercise, I have noticed many different things that I do that go back to that inner child. For one, I noticed I prefer to sit at tables that are high off of the ground so I can feel my feet dangle and not touch the ground. We started talking about my idea of what an adult is, and when you think about it, it is hard to define. The more we talked, the more be began to think being an adult is all a facade. I thought being an adult meant: having a career, being financially independent, owning a house and even being married. Then she asked me a good question; "If I did not own a house, not engaged and didn't have a career, would you still look at me and say I am an adult?" It took me a while to think about it and I said yes, I would still consider her an adult. Now my idea of what an adult is was totally debunked. All of this came about because I told her how I don't feel like an adult and that I don't think others view me as an adult. This fear of not being seen as an adult also carries over into my relationship. I feel like people view my relationship with Nick as something child-like, and nothing serious since we are not engaged or married. After picking apart the beliefs in my head, together we wondered if I feel like having the things I feel make a person an adult would give me a sense of security.  Being married would mean Nick and I would be together forever, having a home would be mature, and having a career would make me financially independent. Who knew all of this crazy stuff was underneath my stinkin' eating disorder?! See, it is NOT just about food, it is about so much more...for me even the challenge of transitioning for a child to an adult can trigger ED! Right now, my challenge is to 1) figure out what the heck an "adult" is and 2) find a way to integrate the freedom and innocence of being a child in with the maturity and responsibility of being an adult.

Let me know what you think defines an "adult".

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3

Just a Shortie

Hello my loves :) Today was pretty busy, not much to report back. I was feeling just okay about myself today, but when I saw a girl in the bathroom (seems to be a triggering spot for me) I noticed how tiny she was! Her waist was paper thin, I kid you not! I started to compare but I instantly turned my mind to thinking about how if I were that thin I would be in rehab and that she is taller so her body disperses weight in different areas. Also the thought crossed my mind that maybe she isn't healthy...maybe she is struggling with an ED also. You never know, it is such a secretive disease and is covered up by glamor and fake happiness. It is very hard to see an eating disorder in a person who seems so happy and with it, but I was that girl when I was engaging in behaviors. So many people have told me that they had no idea that I was so sick and suffering so badly....ED gives you the power to hide it and it is really easy to do when you have him in your head. I also tried to think about all of the women that are gorgeous and known for their curves like Beyonce, Kim K and my favorite Kelly Clarkson. They are all beautiful women and have curves. That seemed to help a lot. Keep that in mind next time you think you need to be so thin you don't catch a shadow in the sun!!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3

Today Was A Hole in One!

Today my boyfriend took me to the Memorial Tournament Pro/AM practice rounds. I don't know much about golf but it was so much fun! The golf course was beautiful and the weather was perfect! Since Nick and I have started dating I have watched all kinds of sports that I never watched before, golf being one of them. From watching tournaments on tv, my favorite golfer is Rory McIlroy. Today we followed him on a few holes and I even got his autograph, it was so cool. In the morning I was feeling pretty confident in myself. Nick was being really affectionate and it made me feel really good, like he was proud to have me there with him. It wasn't until we were waiting at a hole that I saw a golf cart go by with a beautiful brunette riding in it. I assumed it was a players wife or girlfriend because she was gorgeous and looked way too put together to be just some lady watching. All of the women there had on shorts and tank tops, anything to stay cool and comfortable, but she had on a black dress and looked like she hadn't even had a drop of sweat touch her skin. I immediately began hurting my own feelings and wondering how Nick could ever be proud to have me by his side when women like her exist in the world. I felt so sloppy and then I began to focus on my tummy. It stuck out of my shirt and it grew every time I looked at it. Even though I know realistically a stomach doesn't grow noticeably within moments, or even a single day, I couldn't help but worry that it was and looked big. I didn't want to be "the big girl in the yellow shirt." The rest of the day I was insecure and was even insecure going up to get Rory's autograph because I was embarrassed of my appearance, but I also knew I would regret it later if I didn't just get his autograph. I am so glad I did now! I failed to plan for this as far as food goes (couldn't bring in food anyway) but I did the best I could and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I really need to get back into meal planning because it is my best defense to ED.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3