I am way over due for a post. There is a million things going on in my life right now, some I will post about, others are too private. Everything around me is changing beyond my control and that is one of the biggest triggers of mine. The biggest trigger being stress, which occurs with change, so needless to say ED is LOUD. Within a week I will be taking a math final, moving out of my apartment and starting at an entirely new college. Too much for one week if you ask me. The thought of packing all of my stuff is enough to make me want to hide under my covers and hope it just magically gets done. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't trying to move while working and going to school. I know people do it all the time, but with an eating disorder it is a million times harder. What does food have to do with moving and changing schools, right? Well a ton. My emotions and mental health have EVERYTHING to do with how I eat and how I view my body. Negative emotions and negative mental state and I am 300 pounds. Sunny day where everything is going right, I am beautiful and fine with my body. It is how I cope with my emotions and what is going on in my life. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone, I am not going to to try to explain it. I guess it is one of those things that will never make sense to people unless they experience it first hand or are close with someone who does.
Another thing that is changing is my boyfriend's career. I am very happy that he got a new job that he enjoys and will make better money, but the new hours are really killing my heart. I knew going into it that it would be tough, but I am finding out that there is more to it than just when I will see or hear from him. Last night was the first night we got to see each other after a full week of work. His hours are sooo crazy that he is beyond exhausted. So, when I am really excited to see him and tell him about what is new, he is tired and ready for sleep, and vice versa. We are on opposite sleeping schedules, so it has me worrying if we will ever get real quality time together where neither of us wants to sleep :( I feel like a horrible girlfriend to him for complaining about the new routine and letting my emotions step in instead of just sucking it up. I have said it before, if there wasn't a million other things going on at the same time, the new job would not be nearly as evil as it seems right now. I wouldn't blame him if he left after how crazy I have been this past week. Hopefully he knows me well enough to know it is just me being emotional and protective of our relationship and will continue to be patient with me like he always is. I swear he is the most patient human being in the world. He is patient with me when I annoy myself. There is a reason I worry about losing him or our relationship failing. I don't think anyone else in the world could love me or understand me as well as he does.
I feel so emotionally drained right now that I don't want to do anything!!! Sorry if this has been a huge pity party, but I have been crying for the last hour and just needed to get all of these thoughts out of my head so I can continue with my day as best as I can.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
