Gratitude and Regrets

I hope everyone enjoyed the Holiday weekend. I got a lot of great gifts and am very blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Even though I had all of my shopping done with plenty of time to spare, I still stressed out too much. So much, that I missed out on enjoying the time with family. I took out my irrational stress on a lot of my family and Nick and now I feel awful. I don't know how they put up with me sometimes. I really need to get better about going with the flow on the Holidays. The tough part is, they only come once a year so it is hard to practice!

Today I was supposed to go to Columbus to have lunch with more family, but I really needed a day to just do nothing and not worry about being places and making people happy. I ended up sleeping most of the day and here I am laying in bed ready to get some more z's!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

The Pits

Today has been a very tough day. I woke up early to take Reece to the groomer and I instantly hated myself for not getting up in time to take a shower. After I dropped him off I went back to bed for an hour and again when I woke up, I hated that I didn't use that time to get cleaned up.

The rest of the day was the same, no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I felt so gross and lazy. I have felt so fat all day and I am fighting the urge to restrict. I am evening experiencing the urge to purge, just to get the full feeling to go away. I feel very alone right now and hate this dark place I am in today. I hope tomorrow is better because this should be a happy time of the year. I am on the verge of tears writing this because I hate having days like this. I truly feel like I look like I am 9 months pregnant :(

Stay Strong and Beautiful...

Finally a Minute!!

I have been so busy lately! I am in the process of beginning to sell jewelry and getting ready for Christmas. So here is my attempt at getting you caught up.

This weekend I had an Ugly Sweater Party for the girls I went to treatment with to help prepare and unwind for the Holidays. I stressed and worked so hard cooking food and getting things to make the day perfect. I was so worried that no one would enjoy themselves. Before the party started my hands were trembling. None of the girls from treatment showed, but my family and friends did and it was still a great time. It was good for me to relax and prepare myself for the Holidays. The good company reminded me how loved and supported I am.

Body image is doing much better, possibly because I have been managing my stress a lot better. Stress is a huge trigger for me to restrict. My world starts to feel like it is spinning out of control right before my eyes and the only thing I can actively control is the food I put in my body. My ways of handling stress is to write LOTS of "to do" lists, talk it out with a support and to prioritize the things that are stressing me out. It is important to remind yourself that you are only one person and can only handle one thing at a time.

I hope to write more this week! I hope that every one is prepared for the Holidays ahead and remembering that this is a time for family and not stress!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Diagnosing ED

You probably know by now, but if you are new to this blog, then you don't know; so here it is. My senior year of high school is when I began restricting severely and losing a lot of weight. It wasn't long before my BMI was officially underweight. I weighed myself everyday to gauge how I would eat that day, or if I would at all. It crossed my mind here and there that I may have an eating disorder, but I felt so in control of the situation that it couldn't be true. Another reason why I didn't believe I had a problem was because I didn't think I was "thin enough" to be considered anorexic. If only I knew then, that eating disorders come in all sizes. You don't have to meet a goal to be considered anorexic or bulimic.  

After graduation my parents told me if I didn't enter a treatment center and get healthy, then I would not be going away for school. University of Tennessee had always been my dream college and I had been accepted, so there was no way I was going to miss out on that. I figured, I'll go to this stupid center, do what they say and get the Hell out of Ohio. Once in treatment I was formally diagnosed with Anorexia and still it didn't mean anything to me. I still felt in control and that every one else is the world was just freaking stupid and trying to run my life. A few days into treatment, after refeeding my body back to life, I began to realize that I was really sick. I heard all of the stories from the other women in my center and related so much to them, that it had to be true that I had an eating disorder. My initial reaction was fear. I was so afraid of what I had done to my body, while still being afraid to gain weight even if it was for my health. 

The further I got in treatment, the more I learned about my ED and what fueled it. The fear went away and the anger set in. Realizing the events that lead up to my illness made me so frustrated and almost hopeless feeling. It was something I didn't ask for to happen to me and it began sinking in that I had been given a life sentence. Lucky for me though, I have the power to make that life sentence what I want it to be. I know I complain a lot about having ED and get mad about it, but at the end of the day I am not helpless. I have been given the tools and resources to make my life what I want it to be, regardless of my past. My ED is something that could have popped his ugly head up at any point in my life, so I need to separate ED from my past and just deal with him for the sake of my future.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Quick check in for my loyals

I'm still here!!!! Things have been kind of busy lately, but I promise I will write tomorrow and it will be about a suggestion I received: Was I ever in denial of my eating disorder, how I came to terms with the diagnosis and my feelings when I realized the situation I was in.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!!!! <3

Tough Tuesday

This morning started out as a chain reaction of bad luck. I woke up to find my puppy had gotten sick all over the bedroom floor. Then the toilet leaked water all over the floor. When I got out of the shower I went to put deodorant on and had none :( It was very tiring!

The rest of the day went much better! Nick text me and said the song "I'm so proud of you" by Drake reminded him of me. He has never told me he had a song that reminded him of me before without me asking, so it meant a lot to me.  I went to a dance class to get some of my pent up anger out and it felt very good! Thursday I am going to try to go to the kick boxing class to punch something. Food has been good today, body image is still rough though. I am going to have breakfast with my Dad in the morning and I am hoping that will help cheer me up.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Forgiveness is FAR away

Today I had my therapist appointment and got pretty emotional. I talked about the stomach pains I have been having and how I am scared of what other health problems I may have because of ED that I have not yet discovered. I thought out loud at the possibility of being able to have kids and began to cry. I want nothing more than to be a mommy some day. My mom already named my daughter Grace; I have an image of this beautiful little girl with big brown eyes and porcelain skin, and the thought of not being able to bring my dream of her to life breaks my heart.  

After bringing up how tired  I am of ED and how unfair it is that I have been dealt so many challenging things at such a young age, it reminded me of Ken. I hate bringing him up and giving him attention, but I still hold  A LOT of anger towards him. I usually try to focus on the amazing things in my life and be thankful for what has come of his emotional abuse, but that doesn't allow me to make peace with the negative that has come from him.

When a person is raped or physically hurt, the person responsible is held accountable and faces consequences. When a person is emotionally damaged, the only consequences that exist are given to the one that was hurt. Doesn't make sense. Basically, you can break a person down mentally, crush their spirit, and place them in a permanent prison (mentally) and walk away with no consequences. It's not fair. My therapist asked me to write down all the things that anger me about him and the entire situation, and I am scared to do that because I don't like thinking about that time of my life. I don't want to feel that anger because other than writing about it, there is nothing I can do to relieve it. I know if I were to tell him (which I never want to speak to him again) it would not affect him whatsoever, he is a person that is not capable of feeling anything for anyone but himself. I feel like, unless he were to face consequences directly associated with his abusing me, I will never feel like I have been given justice.

He took so much from me but he did not take my happiness or my future. Granted my life is not where I planned it to be, but I have adapted to the situation and created new dreams for my life.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

A little emotional, A lot inspired

Friday night was the premier of "Starving Secrets with Tracy Gold." I hope you all got to see it because it was done very well. I have seen the show "Intervention" when they have people with ED and it is so triggering for me. However, this show is done so well and delicate to the situation that it was easy for me to watch. They only mentioned a specific weight of one of the girls one time and to me it was sad! She weighed half of her ideal weight and looked so awful! There was nothing pretty about her body, and it truly broke my heart. The show truly captures the prison that people suffering from ED live in. The treatment given to the girls that appeared on this week's episode was very much like the treatment I received. Each episode highlights a person living with anorexia and a person living with bulimia. I recommend the show for anyone, especially if you want to learn more about the recovery process.

As far as I go, I have been doing much better with my meal plan. I have been cooking dinner for myself and enjoying every second of it. I like to try my cooking to see if it is any good. Saturday for the first time, I cooked Nick a big dinner and he liked it! That same night I totally broke down emotionally with him. I felt so ugly and fat! He has been working out lately and feels very comfortable with his body, and I feel like he should be with a girl who also feels good about herself and looks good. I was really upset and couldn't stop crying. He reassured me that there was nothing wrong with my body and that he thought I was beautiful. Lately I have been bad about taking my medicine regularly which I think contributed to my emotions being all over this place this weekend!!

I hope you all have enjoyed hearing from some of the people in my life. There will be more to come, and like always, if you have questions or comments you are more than welcome to email me or post on the blog!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Through Kailyn's Eyes

I also asked my best friend to write about how it was for her seeing the evolution of my eating disorder. Friends can be so close that they are more aware of what is really going on than family. If you have a friend with an eating disorder this post is for you. If you have an eating disorder this post will help you realize what you are putting your friends through. ED takes many people victim, not just the person with the behaviors.

Hello everyone!!

A few days ago Kristin asked me if I would write a post for her blog about what it was like for me when she was battling ED.

First off, let me introduce myself. :) My name is Kailyn and Kristin and I have been best friends for the past 5 years. Ever since we met we were inseparable.

Kristin and I did literally everything together so when her eating habits changed I knew something was wrong. She always complained about tummy aches and said she always felt sick. I remember one morning before school started she had said that she felt like she had an upset tummy and went to the bathroom and threw up. I started paying very close attention to her. I finally asked her about it one day at school when she refused to eat her lunch.

She was either in denial about it or she just didn't want to admit that something was wrong. She pretty much shrugged it off and ignored me. Kristin was constantly putting herself down and feeling like she was never good enough for anything. In reality, she was a brilliant and beautiful girl. It killed me knowing that she refused to believe it. I felt like i had to talk her "off the ledge" every day.

In December of our senior year I had finally told her that if she didn't tell her mom she thought she had an eating disorder than I was going to. She needed to tell someone so she could get help. I was sick of seeing my best friend in so much emotional pain. It felt good to finally stand up and say something.

After graduation she started going to group therapy. I could definitely see a difference in her. She was making wonderful friends that were going though the same thing that she was. I felt like a lot of the pressure had been taken off me. She finally had people to relate to.

One day of the the week she would get to bring her "supports," being her Mom, Dad, Step Mom, Step Dad, and I. There was no doubt this girl was loved when all of us walked into the room. :) We would do exercises with the girls that helped all of us understand one another better. I learned more about Kristin in those sessions than I ever would have just hanging out with her.

Since that summer after graduation, I moved about an hour away from her to go to college. I'm still one of her strongest supports and I try to be there for her whenever I can.

Seeing Kristin battle an eating disorder was one of the hardest things I've had to do. It hurt a lot because I couldn't help her at all. I always had a hard time trying to figure out what to say to make her feel better. As her friend I wanted to help her as much as I could and make her "better" but I couldn't.

The progress she has made in the past 3 years is absolutely amazing. She realized that ED was trying to take over her body and now she is beating him at his own game.

To this day Kristin is definitely one of the strongest women i know and an inspiration to everyone. She is in the process of taking ED down and I couldn't be any more proud of her.

Stay Strong & Beautiful!! 

Message From My Mom

I asked a few different people in my life to write about their experience with ED to help give different points of view. Tonight I am posting what my mom had to say about having her daughter be diagnosed with anorexia. Feel free to email me your feedback (totally confidential) on things you wish to hear more about from her. My email is Kristin.Lucas329@gmail.com  Thanks so much for doing this mom, I love you so much!

Hi – it’s Kristin’s Mom. She asked me to write what it is like to be the mother of someone afflicted with an Eating Disorder. So, what do I tell you….. How proud of her I am? How our family pulled together to support her in a way that makes my heart sing? How very grateful I am for the wonderful counselors who helped to educate us all and give her the tools she needs to win? How devastating it was to first learn ED was abusing my beautiful baby? The emotional battles – anger, guilt, sadness, confusion, helplessness - of that first year? How I went from worrying about her every second of every day, to now having to remind myself sometimes that ED is still around as she is so strong on her own now? How terrifying it was to see other girls in treatment that had struggled for years and were so thin they were almost skeletal? How absolutely cool it was to see friends and family show up for the NEDA walk in Columbus? How touched I was when a business associate donated our t-shirts for the walk? How I’m looking forward to building a life-size Barbie with Kristin and taking it on tour to as many schools as we can get in to? How, even now when she is doing so well, I can’t help but hug her a little tighter to make sure she’s healthy? Maybe I’ll let her pick a topic and I’ll expand on one at a later blog when she needs another break! To my baby and all other Moms' baby’s who are struggling – Stay Strong and Beautiful xoxox

Thankful for ED?

ED sucks, that is no lie, but I have gained sooooo many great things because of ED changing my life.

Thanks to ED:

1. Bella

• I adopted Bella the summer of 2009 when I was in treatment. She gave me inspiration and a new reason to live. She is my little angel and I tell her that every day. The best gift my parents ever gave me <3
2. New amazing friends

• In treatment I met the most amazing women that have remained great friends. They are always there for me supporting me. We all have a bond that no one else in the world can possibly understand, together we feel "normal."
3. Closer relationship with my family

• Being in treatment really brought my family closer together. We were able to share feelings and thoughts with each other and really reconnect. I have never felt so close to all of my family before, I know they love me and support me no matter what. 
4. Nick <3

• I have never had a relationship like this before. My step mom told me when I was younger to marry your best friend, it wasn't until Nick did that ever make sense. He is the one I want to talk to when I am sad, happy, scared or mad, even if it is him I am mad at! Before we met we were both pretty lost in our lives, but ever since we have been together things feel like they are perfectly in place!
5. Reece

• If I had never stayed in Ohio for school, I would have never adopted my baby boy. When I moved away from home I had to leave my dog, Emerson, at home. When I saw Reece at the store, I couldn't resist, he stole my heart. He keeps me so busy! He makes messes for me to clean up, but he is so darn cute, I can't get upset! I bought him with my own money which makes it even better! He was "the next step" for my relationship with Nick, OUR puppy :)

I know I bad talk ED a LOT, but he has brought me so of the most amazing blessings in my life, so I guess I should say, thanks Ed!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3

He Never Stops Hurting

Today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. This morning I went to the doctor for a routine check up and mentioned to my doctor that I have been having some stomach pains for a few weeks. After ruling out pregnancy and a UTI, she mentioned it could be my gall bladder. When she pressed on my stomach it hurt on my left side, where the gall bladder is. I was curious to see if my anorexia, even though I haven't been severe in nearly three years, had anything to do this this.  I googled "Gall stones and anorexia." I found out that my restricting can increase my chances of having gall stones. I got so mad and scared. What else could be wrong with me?! First it was the digestive problems and now this. I am doing what I am supposed to do to stay healthy and he still is attacking my body. At one point I thought "what's the point? Why keep fighting if ED is still screwing with my insides."

After work I decided to do a little more Christmas shopping to get my mind off of the stomach pains (aka constant reminder that ED can still hurt me). When I left the mall the snow was pouring from the sky. Something about the first snow of the year is magical to me. I could not help but smile and take it as a reminder of why I am fighting ED. I could feel the wet snowflakes land on my nose and the cold air bite my cheek, things ED never lets you feel. Life is full of tiny little miracles that make fighting ED worth fighting each and every battle.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Feeling Christmas-Y

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I have been recovering from my Black Friday shopping!! I got a lot and great deals and it has me in the Christmas mood! I have my apartment decorated and have a good chunk of my Christmas shopping done. I am just hoping I don't go bankrupt!! I love buying for people so much that I have a hard time telling people what I want! That isn't a bad thing I guess.

On my blog account I can see the places that are reading the blog, and lately I have been getting a lot of love from Russia! Thought that was sooo cool. So, to show how much it means to me I wanted to give Russia a special shout out :) Thanks for reading! 

Today has been a bad body image day :( I hope tomorrow is better! I also wanted to let everyone know that Lifetime has a new show coming in December about eating disorders. I am so happy that ED is getting attention as a serious, life threatening disease. http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/starving-secrets-with-tracey-gold I hope everyone watches!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3

We Survived!!!

Well, it's over!!! Good job everyone! I hope you were able to ignore the food and enjoy the company you were with. I was surprised at how little I focused on the food! It was a very enjoyable day for me. Filled my plate up with lots of good food and then went for dessert :) I never thought I would be able to enjoy food, let alone on Thanksgiving. My distraction was flipping through the Black Friday ads.  It is almost time to fight the crowds and find some good deals. I will get back to the challenges Sara sent me, tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Turkey Eve

It is almost Thanksgiving! I am excited to see my family and eat grandma's noodles!!! My supports are all in line for tomorrow and I have already picked out my clothes I will wear, which I suggest you do because there will be enough to stress about tomorrow! If anyone needs a support, I am more than happy to get you through.

Distractions are always a good way to push through anxiety, so I leave you with these ideas:

• 10 Positive things that have resulted from a negative life experience, even if it isn't ED
• 10 Things you are thankful for this year
• Ask everyone at your celebration what they are most thankful for and what their favorite Turkey Day food is

Remember, eating will NOT kill us, but NOT eating will. GOOD LUCK!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Sara's Challenge

I mentioned yesterday how I have been getting some post suggestions. My cousin, Sara gave me a few ideas that would be a challenge for me. She recommended that to get my ultimate revenge is to focus on how happy I am now. To you it might not seem like a challenge to focus on the good in my life, but I am a person that doesn't give myself credit for anything, nor do I compliment myself. Heck, I don't even receive compliments well. But I am going to do it!

Topic: Top 5 Things I Love About Myself

1. My passion for animals and children
2. Independence
3. Optimistic outlook
4. Ability to face challenges head on
5. Making people laugh

That only took me a half an hour! I was going to write about the other topic she gave me tonight, but after thinking of 5 good things about myself I think I will continue this challenge tomorrow!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Managing the Stress

The holidays are super stressful!!! I always worry about shopping, so I am trying to get most of it done online in the comforts of my home. As far as Thanksgiving goes, well I am still making my game plan. I am going to try to really focus on the THANKS part of Thanksgiving and focus on what life has given me. I feel like my average day is worrying about things to do, stress, or being mad about negative things. I really want to make Thursday about the good, because whether I pay attention to it or not, I have a lot of good in my life. The key to making it through all of the food, is removing yourself from the situation, mentally or physically if possible. How do you do that? Well here are some ideas:

• Plan ahead
• Know where you will be and what time.  
• Know the food set up
• At my grandma's house the food is set up buffet style (food everywhere!!!)
• Find a "safe" room or space
• This is a place separated from all of the food and maybe even all of the people
• Go to this place when anxiety is too uncomfortable to sit with
• Take some time to regroup here
• Have a support on hand or on call
• Not all of us with ED are lucky enough to have support from our families. If you are not going to be surrounded by supports on Turkey day, have one on call that will be available to text or last minute calls to get you through
• For those who will have a support with them at the meal, talk to them prior to the celebration and give them a heads up of what you are feeling going into the situation
• Be mindful
• Holidays are about being with family, enjoy!
• Our lives get so busy that it is important to take this time to really catch up

Take this time for yourselves!! Tell ED to take a hike while you enjoy your holidays. Good luck to you all!!

Stay SUPER Strong and ALWAYS Beautiful! <3

Checking In :)

Today was wonderful! I had breakfast with my Dad, step mom and little brother, and then went to my sister's house. Her and I painted pottery and went shopping. I found a little christmas tree on sale and put it up as soon as I got home. Food has gone really well today, even had snacks! Not much to say, it was just a really good day. Some of you have messaged me some great ideas to post about and I will be working on those this week, I am really excited. Thanks to those who participate and bring discussion to the blog!! Love you all!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Ed, Ed, Go away....

Today was photo shoot day!!!! I was really excited until I got my make up done. I did not like it! I looked like a clown ;( I asked her to soften it up and it helped a lot! By the time it was time to take my shots (three hours later!) the make up had set in nicely. I was still happy to wash my face when I got home though! I ran to Nick and said "I'm me again!!!" It made me feel better in my own skin and my everyday make up. I did not plan well with time and meals so I went TOOOOO long without eating today. I tried doing some poses on the silks and didn't have the strength to do it. Once I got home I stuffed my face with chocolate donuts and pizza rolls and not one single guilty thought followed!! The night has been good to me ever since <3

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3

Dose of reality

Last night at midnight I saw Breaking Dawn. The movie was awesome but also gave me a picture of what my life could be like. This has nothing to do with vampires or werewolves, but with restricting. Ok the movie something happens that causes Bella to waste away to nothing and eventually causes her heart to give out. The special effects made her look soooo ill and boney I really fought back tears. If I keep restricting, that is what I will look like and there was nothing pretty about that. I don't want to look like that the last time my family to see me. I want them to remember me healthy and happy, not sick and fragile.

Stay strong and beautiful! <3

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Slippery Slope

Today I had a terrible reminder of what life engaging in ED behaviors is like. This morning I had a therapy appointment and I overslept, so I didn't eat breakfast. At my session we planned my meals for the rest of the day. When I got home, I just didn't want what was planned for breakfast which was french toast sticks and syrup. My head told me it was a "fat" meal, actually it was screaming at me. I skipped breakfast. All I had by 2:30 was a small salad and 6 pizza rolls. My head was pounding, my body felt like it was going to collapse any second and I felt sick to my stomach. It reminded me of just how AWFUL starving yourself feels. I ate a bag of animal crackers and felt sooooooo much better. After I ate the animal crackers my head was telling me that I am a bad anorexic. Rough day, but I am trying to turn it around. I do not want to go down that road again.

Hello, OCD

One of the things I do when ED gets, or is, strong is become OCD about silly little things. For one, I feel the constant need to clean the house. I can't just clean up one room without cleaning the entire house! I also start to think of a million things I need to get done and I can't stop thinking about it until it gets done. Like right now, I have a MOUNTAIN of laundry to get done and I have no idea when I will have time to go to mom or dad's to get it done. All I can think about is how I can get it done, if I have enough clothes to make it through the week and on and on and on!!!!!!! Eating didn't go so well today either :-/ I had breakfast, lunch and a mid afternoon kids meal from McDonald's. At dinner time I had made up my mind to not eat dinner. I figure the happy meal could count for it. I spent the evening with Nick. We had a really good time together and it reminded me why I needed to fight ED. Because of my fight I have this wonderful relationship with the man I consider my best friend, not to mention our three cats and puppy that we have :) Once I got home, I made buttered noodles and munched on some chocolate donuts!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Challenge Completed!

Five weeks ago I challenged myself to try a new dance class, aerial silks. Never heard of it? Here is a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZ-tsXcKaXo of Sara Evans at the CMA awards. Go about a minute in and there are people doing aerial silks. HARD, HARD, HARD! Gorgeous to watch and really neat to do, but is very difficult. I am glad I tried it, but am glad it is over! I will stick to dancing on the floor from now on since that is what I am good at. We practiced a trick that is taught in the advanced level and you have to jump and catch the silks in between your belly and hip....well I fell on the floor. The space between the end of my rib cage and my hip bone is only about an inch, so not much room for this trick. At first I was really embarrassed and upset that I didn't do the trick, actually more upset that I couldn't do many of the tricks on the silks, but I was able to soldier on. My teacher reminded me how long it took her to do some of the tricks that I am having the most trouble with and told me not to compare myself to the other girls in the class because I was the only one who was taking the class for the first time. I am really glad that she told me that because I really needed someone in that moment to get me to quit comparing.

Same situation with the food and body image... :/  I am doing the best I can though. The urge to restrict  and lose a mass amount of weight is extremely strong and tough to shake.

Saturday, I am doing a photo shoot for my dance studio- Hair, make up, the whole nine yards. I am excited and hoping that it will help the self esteem!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Made it though another day

Survived Monday. What can I say? Still fighting off a flu bug which makes eating tough. I have a very low appetite and when I do eat, I feel nauseous. As of right now, I have only eaten my three normal meals, no snacks. I am hoping to chuck down a few cookies and make up for it, but I am still so full and sick feeling from dinner! Today before my shower I swore my body had changed dramatically from the night before. Like most girls, I am fine with having a curvy behind....but this morning I SWORE my belly had taken all of the booty's oomph. My eyes saw no but and BUNCH OF BELLY! I know it was just ED distorting my ability to see myself for what I really am, but it was still a tough image to get out of my head. Did that contribute to my lack of appetite? Maybe. That is what worries me: Am I not feeling well because I am not eating enough, or and I not eating enough because I am not feeling well? Is my loss of appetite from the flu, or is the loss of appetite from the image of myself ED has me see? That is what I am trying to figure out!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

urge for revenge

Lately has been rough. Hating my body and all of myself once again. Bad memories have been clouding my grip on reality. I want so badly to get back at Ken and make him pay. Some tell me to forgive and let God handle it and I want to, but you're talking to a girl with severe trust issues. If something needs done, I do it myself to make certain it gets done, and done well. I started journaling again to try and help clear my head and stay strong with my food intake. But tonight I looked at pictures from the NEDA walk and was inspired. The girl in those photos was in control of her disease and was taking her life back from ED and his accomplice, Ken. I want to get back to her and helping others. I am hoping blogging more often will help. Those who have my number and or are Facebook friends with me, I ask you this-harrass be daily to get me to blog. I need your support and encouragement. Please home me to this one. This blog may be my only chance at revenge and I can't let it go. There is a chance of him reading it and if I don't write, he will win.

Stay strong and beautiful!!!!! <3

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urge for revenge

Lately has been rough. Hating my body and all of myself once again. Bad memories have been clouding my grip on reality. I want so badly to get back at Ken and make him pay. Some tell me to forgive and let God handle it and I want to, but you're talking to a girl with severe trust issues. If something needs done, I do it myself to make certain it gets done, and done well. I started journaling again to try and help clear my head and stay strong with my food intake. But tonight I looked at pictures from the NEDA walk and was inspired. The girl in those photos was in control of her disease and was taking her life back from ED and his accomplice, Ken. I want to get back to her and helping others. I am hoping blogging more often will help. Those who have my number and or are Facebook friends with me, I ask you this-harrass be daily to get me to blog. I need your support and encouragement. Please home me to this one. This blog may be my only chance at revenge and I can't let it go. There is a chance of him reading it and if I don't write, he will win.

Stay strong and beautiful!!!!! <3

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Lately...

I went to visit an adviser from the college I am transferring to in the fall and found out that I am still quite a ways away from getting my teaching degree. After my meeting I called my mom crying because of the news. I began hating the way my life had changed during and after high school. If it wasn't for this damn eating disorder I would be a year away from being a teacher....but no, it keeps taking from me, this time it is stealing time. The more I got to thinking about why I am where I am today I got infuriated at "Ken." I know I had ED tenancies before him, but he just kicked it into overdrive and really stole everything from me. I think about how he is attending the college of his dreams and is on course for his degree. It is not fair and it makes me so mad! I did nothing to deserve his abuse and I am STILL the one paying the price 4 years later. When will he feel the consequences?!

Ever since this happened I have been more aware of my body. Every time I go to the restroom I lift my shirt and look at my tummy sideways in the mirror. I take more time picking out clothes for the day and am much more critical of myself. One thing I am not doing, however, is weighing myself. I am tempted to a lot though. The family I work for has two scales in their restroom. I think about food a lot more than usual and I don't like it! Right now I have not been restricting, but the urge is there. I am fighting this full force, but it is not easy, just like all of the times before!

Stay Strong And Beautiful! <3

waiting on winter

Winter is just around the corner and as a person living with anorexia, it is a bittersweet feeling. The major positive about winter is the big sweat shirts you get to wear, but that can also be risky. When people with eating disorders wear big, baggy clothes, it makes it harder for people to see if a weight loss is occurring. With winter around the corner, now is the time to make your plan, get support and find a way to be accountable. If you have a friend or loved one with ED be that support and accountability for them! This disease is not cured by medicine, it is only managed and the more people to help, the better. The other bad thing about winter is the weather. It can at times be beautiful, but let's face it, it is usually gloomy. Depression is already one of ED's best friends, but add the inevitable "seasonal depression" and you have three bad guys out to get you. Make sure you are taking any and all medications you are on, and for those of you who are supporters, remind your loved one to take their medicines. I would love to hear your stories about how you prepare for winter or how you get through triggering times!

Stay strong and beautiful!! <3

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booty shaking good times

I am LOVING my new dance studio. Tonight I tried a new class and it was soooo hard! I was having terrible body images today so working out felt great. Thoughts of food are starting to creep in. Hope I can kick it!

Stay strong and beautiful! <3

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Feeling Optimistic

Last week I had a meeting with a counselor at Wittenberg and it went really well. She helped me set up a plan of action to get rid of all my school stresses. Tonight I officially applied, just gotta get my transcripts sent! Feeling pretty good about how things are going right now! Not a whole lot going on right now, just needed to blog so I don't disappear again!!! :p

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

My star student

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highs and lows

The past few days have been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I have been extremely discouraged about where I am at in my degree, discouraged about my body image, depressed and convinced I had been gaining weight. Just when I feel like completely giving up, something little happens to turn my life around. Yesterday, the little thing was my dance class. Dancing made me so happy and like myself pre-ed. After class I was so happy I treated myself to ny favorite dinner, Noodles and co. Today I was very stresed and overwhelmed, but taking reece to his first obedience class changed ny entire day. He did so well and made me so proud. Seeing him learning how to behave gave me hope, because let's face it, a disobedient dog is a pretty big stressor!! I feel like things will be ok, just gotta find hope in the small things.

Stay strong and beautiful!! <3

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Monday...Done!

Hello loves!! Monday is finally over! Nothing bad happened, it was just Monday, the least liked day of the week. After school and work I made sloppy joes for dinner and did a little dance conditioning work out using my ballet bar. I am so sore from stretching yesterday, but it is a good feeling. 2 more days until I try out a new dance class close to my apartment and I can't wait!!!

Yesterday I told you about the rough body image I have been having lately. Despite all of my fighting, the nasty thoughts about myself continued. It was very difficult to focus today because I kept squeezing my tummy and pinching the "fat." My mood was pretty low because of it also, which is a good reason that today is over. I am safe in my bed alone with my beautiful pets. Time is relax and try to make my mind be quiet so I can get some sleep!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Rocky week, New hope

Again, sorry it has been so long since my last post. I have been busy with school and working that once I get into bed (my usual blogging time) I am exhausted!! I am going to try to push myself though. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anything to say that would matter or help peoples' opinions on ED that I just don't blog. Suggestions or questions you would like answered are always welcome! 


This past week has been a little rough with my body image. I have started viewing myself as "thick, chubby, and fat" again. I didn't let my toxic thoughts of myself interfere with my eating, but it did cause me to be a little more isolated from my family. I don't like that feeling but I am just glad I didn't let it get in the way of my meal plan. Today I started a little dance conditioning, stretching and working on my ballet bar. It felt sooooo good and I felt good about myself for once. I decided that I was going to find a place for me to dance and get back into the shape I am used to being in. I found a studio that is for grown women (no more dancing with kids half my age and younger) and I am going to try it out this Wednesday. When I am dancing I feel so confident, and I hope this will help me feel more confident about myself inside and out.


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

I'm here...I'm here!!!

SOOOOO sorry I have been out of touch for so long. I had no internet access for a few weeks, and it was driving me crazy!!! But, I am back with a LOT of information to share. 


School has started and I have missed feeling like a student. I love learning and going to class, no matter how much I may complain about it!! I love the feeling of being able to have intelligent conversations with people, it makes me feel proud. One of the classes I am currently taking is a physical education for teachers. It teaches you how to integrate movement and promote physical activity with your students. Today we watched a video about obesity and excuse my language, but it lit a fire under my ass. As you know my ED is anorexia and I have talked about how little people really know about it, but after watching this video on obesity, it hit me that people know even less about over eating as an ED. A lot of the people, mostly children, they interviewed talked about eating when they are feeling emotional distress. To me this screamed ED!!!!!!!!! The entire show focused and emphasized on choices and weight being dependent on the person's self control when it comes to making choices. This made me really upset because people who over eat have a psychological reason they are making the choices that they are making. It has NOTHING to do with self discipline or self control. These people need help and educated on their disease...yes I said disease, in order for them even begin being capable of making healthy choices and to find ways to cope with emotions other than turning to food.  The video also got me thinking about my own ED and how it really started to become apparent when I was about 12 years old. If I were a 12 year old watching this video, or being lectured about obesity, I would begin to think of all food, other than fruits and veggies, and unhealthy and will make me fat! The emphasis put on NOT being obese puts the idea in children's minds that fat is bad and you must be thin!!!  This whole experience has inspired me to change direction with my goal to become a teacher. I want to teach middle school or high school health. I think kids deserve a balance in their education when learning about obesity. It is important to know the effects of obesity, but it is also important to know the effects of the opposite extreme and to learn more about WHY people become obese. I want to be that positive role model for girls and even boys and be a person they can turn to when they have concerns about their bodies or are struggling with body image. I have been through so much with this damn disease that I want to use it for good. My treatment and education on ED saved my life and I want to help save another life. Not only do kids deserve to know the truth about ED and obesity, they also deserve an adult in their life (especially for middle school kids) to not be embarrassed to talk to them openly about things like sex. Today, kids are getting younger and younger when they are faced with the pressures of having sex and drinking. I want to be that adult that will tell them the truth, they don't need one more person just telling them "no." 


This past weekend I had a huge moment in my recovery. Nick and I broke up because of some personal issues between us. During all of the heartache and emotions, I never once thought about keeping myself from eating, nor did I ever once think I deserved to be punished. I have NEVER been through a tough situation without feeling guilty in some way or another and needed to be punished. The fact that I was able to stand up for myself, make a terribly hard decision and still eat and love myself is a HUGE accomplishment and I am not ashamed to pat myself on the back :) We have since worked things out and are back together. We love each other so much but have different ways of showing it to each other. That is something we will need to continue to work on, but I know it is worth fighting for.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Trick of the Light

Hey there my loves!!! So this past weekend I helped my cousin Kevin out with his photography class. I was the model for the session and I was so excited. I used to want to do modeling professionally, but with ED it would be like an alcoholic pursuing bar tending. But modeling for my cousin who is sensitive to my condition made it a safe environment to have a little fun with it. I had so much fun! Of course any glimpse of a photo taken, I criticized my appearance in it, but I kept reminding myself that it is just for fun and for the people in the class to learn.

While Kevin was teaching the class about lighting techniques I learned a lot myself. The way light is placed and how bright it is during a photo shoot can create many illusions...one being an unrealistic look to skin. This is something to keep in mind when looking at beautiful women in magazines, between light tricks and photoshop, there is nothing realistic left to the photo. Next time you begin to compare yourself to a photo in a magazine just remember it is selling you empty promises. Photos have to look perfect because they are selling a product to people who desperately want to achieve perfection. They should really be sued for false advertisement!! Might have to call a lawyer :p

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Uncomfortable and Unhappy

I absolutely hate this roller coaster I am on, one day I am happy and recovering and the next I am stuck in a dark hole and can't focus. Today is one of those dark days. I have done nothing but criticize myself today. My belly is too round, my legs and arms are too jiggly, my face looks too "messy." It is hard to imagine myself ever being happy. I hate the way I look to the point that I am embarrassed of who I am. I feel desperate to escape this skin. I feel like someone zipped me in a fat suit and I can't get out. This doesn't feel like what I am supposed to look like. It is a very confusing feeling, I don't even know how to begin to put into words this feeling. I hope that tomorrow is a better day and that I can learn to love myself again.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

You Make the Call

Hello Loves!!! Not much going on lately, which has made it tough to blog. I do not want to bore you with my everyday because the whole purpose of this blog is to educate people on eating disorders and to help those dealing with them. My body image continues to be rocky, but it has not interfered with my meal plan. I am curious to know what you have questions about. I know ED is difficult to understand and you may have questions about how it plays a role in different aspects of life. You can either comment your questions here or on my Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/profil. e.php?id=826804410). Also, any topics you would like to know more about as far as life with ED goes, are welcome too!!! Don't leave me hanging please!! I will not name names either, so your questions will remain anonymous.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!

How to Save a Life

Hello loves!! So you all know how much I love animals. My sister recently moved into a new apartment alone and has been wanting a cat. Last night at Nick's softball game, fate stepped in. We were getting ready to leave and a girl came up to us with two tiny kittens in her purse, she was trying to find them a home. The one looked just like my sisters first cat (that now lives at our dad's) Khloe, so I took him. He is so tiny and I know he will make her so happy. Coming home to little faces that are so happy to see you is the greatest feeling in the world. He is still very young and I have been bottle feeding him, it is a lot of work but to see my sister as happy as my pets make me is well worth it. She named him Shamrock. Tomorrow Shamrock has a vet appointment to get an overview of his health and for me to know how to take care of him. I have never seen, let alone taken care of, a kitten so small!!

Last time I wrote to you I was having some body image issues. Update: still having them. I can deal with the fact that I may always have severe body image issues, but the fact that I am sticking to my meal plan regardless is what is important. Some days are harder than others but I am getting through it and living MY life, not EDs life.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

It's Not a Party Without ED!

Hello my loves! I am so sorry for not writing the past few days. I had a test done to check on my tummy and it had me pretty messed up for a few days. Things are fine, nothing major, which is very good news! Today was the family reunion for my Mom's side of the family. I got to see people I love very much that I do not get to see very often.

My Uncle told me he reads my blog sometimes and told me some very nice things. If you are reading Uncle Steve, everything you said meant the world to me and I will always remember what you said whenever I am feeling down. It is my family's support that keep me so strong.

Even though I was at a family reunion, not everyone there loved me. Guess who showed up uninvited....ED!! Big surprise, right? Before I even left my apartment I was feeling insecure, labeling myself as "weird" looking. Knowing there was nothing I could do about it, I just went on with my day. Being around family makes the anxiety of feeling "weird" looking easier since they love you no matter what. I was doing fine until it was time to eat. I filled up my plate and enjoyed my meal. I even went back for a few extra snacks. The body sensation of being "full" is just unbearable. ED's irritating voice was yelling at me and putting me down even more. I ignored his criticism and enjoyed my family. Now it is the end of the evening and I feel enormous. I am feeling pretty low, but am keeping my head up. I have a lot of distractions in mind to keep me focused.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Another New Start

Hello loves! I am on vacation from work this week to get a couple of doctors appointments in. One of those being with my new therapist on campus. We met today and I really like her. She is very nice and I think her and I will get some good work done. I told her I would like to work on trusting people and finding peace and confidence in who I am as a person. I already have accepted the fact that I am what I am and nothing is going to change drastically about my appearance, now I just need to be confident and happy with who I am.

The past couple of days I have been tough on myself about the size of my belly, but I have been having issues with my stomach and think it may be why I am a little more bloated than usual. I am going to get a test done on Thursday to hopefully get some answers about why my tummy is causing me problems. I am getting nervous though about what it could be. No matter what it is, I know it will be nothing I can't handle. I have already gotten through so much in my twenty years of life.

In a few weeks, a friend and I are going to start taking either a zumba or yoga class at school. Her and I are both a little self conscious about our bodies and think working out together would help us. I already told my new therapist about it and told her I will need her help to not let working out get out of control or cause me to restrict.

Well Friends, it is shark week and I am sleepy, so I am gonna relax. I will check in tomorrow hopefully!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Little Belly, Big Problem

The past few days have been really good except for being too aware of my belly. It feels and looks so big. I have been comparing a lot and putting my self worth on the size of my waist. I haven't restricted, though the desire is there. It is so strange how I can post about not wanting to take action toward my insecurities one day and the next write about wanting to starve myself. But then again, nothing with eating disorders make sense. I know rationally my tummy is not that big, and that it is a normal, healthy sized stomach, but since it does not have defined abs...that means it is fat an unattractive. I am doing the best I can do at taking care of myself and getting done what needs to get done. The worst thing I can do right now is give ED more attention.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Understanding Life

I am at a tough spot in my recovery...letting go of the obsession. For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how I look, the shape of my body, and worrying about what other people think of me. But now that I am spending the majority of my time working (like the adult I struggle to be) I am starting to see my priorities much more clearly. What used to obsess my time, now only concerns me. No doubt I still care about all of those things, but I am starting to realize my power over them is not as strong as I had always thought.

Yes, I can eat healthy (which I absolutely MUST) and dress nicely and do my hair and make up, but my control over my appearance ends there. How I look is how I look and that is the end of that! I have heard this sooo many times, but never understood it until now. Make up does not MAKE you pretty, it highlights the beauty you already posses.

A very big part of my eating disorder is triggered by my stomach.  I hate how it looks, feels, moves and  fills out clothes. I know I can work out, but I know I will lose control and over exersice. I can watch the things I am eating, but that leads to labeling foods as "good" and "bad" and slowly restricting meal by meal out of my day. The things Non-EDs (people without ED) can do to stay healthy and look good are the things that make me unhealthy and look sick. Just another twisted reality in the world of ED.

Sooooo, what I can do about the shape of my body is limited...I can choose not to sit on my butt, but I can't go for a jog. I can watch what I eat, BUT I have a quota that needs to be met no matter how I feel. Some people living with ED can exercise without losing control and spiraling into other behaviors, but it takes a lot of discipline and I am just not there yet.

All day at work today I was feeling and pinching my belly. On the way home I made up my mind that I would either go exercise or go swimming. I walked inside my apartment, saw Bella and Reece and the "need" and urgency I felt to exercise and change my belly went from a 10 to a 1. I missed them all day and they were so happy for me to be home, how could I leave them again to do something as selfish as doing an activity that I know will only lead me down a destructive path. They need me just as much as I need them. They remind me everyday why I work so hard and stay so strong.

At the end of the day it is not about the shape of my body, the way I look or what other people think about me...it is about the love and support that you get from the people (and animals) that matter and doing everything you can to give them that love and support in return. We have all heard the saying "love is blind." Well, I believe it. The ones in life that TRULY love you don't see you for what is seen on the outside. They do not care if you are 60 pounds or 1 million tons, blonde and tan or pale and brunette (my personal favorite) they love you for the person you are. So don't stop being you!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Another Long Week

This week has been so long!! Worked all week and the weather was so hot that it just wears on your body. Tonight I cleaned the house really well and it felt really good to stay busy. I have felt really bloated (in EDs terms FAT) today but I am surprised that I can have the thought of feeling big, but not have the response of "I need to restrict, exercise or do something to lose weight." Big step for me, kind of a weird experience! It is like I am like every other woman in the world who has an insecure "fat day." Even through feeling insecure, I have still eaten my full meal plan and I feel proud of myself. Staying true to my recovery plan even during tough times is the power I have that makes ED weaker and weaker. The fact that I am not thinking about restricting says it all! I have a kitty on my lap that needs some lovin'.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Me Time

Today was the first day in a while that I have had the morning off of work. I slept in a little bit and ran some errands. I took a break from errands and sat down and had lunch at Panera. I never thought I would eat at a restaurant alone, but today I did it twice and it was peaceful! For dinner I went to Noodles and Company, so yummy. It felt good to take care of myself in that way. Haven't thought much of my body today which has been really nice. I am still having some insecurities about being enough for Nick, but I am hoping to go on a date sometime soon and that it will help ease my mind.


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Counting My Blessings

Hello Loves!! The past two nights I have been unable to post because of a family emergency.  My sister's cat that lives at my dad's house got out of our yard and went missing. I spent Thursday night and all of Friday searching for her and putting up posters. It was such a terrifying few days wondering where she was, if she was hurt, hungry or thirsty. My whole family was upset and I did my best to be strong and positive to keep everyone going. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it because last night my dad found her! She was across the street, safe and sound. She is home now with her family and I am so happy. Realizing how scary it was to not know where your pet was or her well being really made me appreciate my pets even more. Each night that I came home from searching for Khloe, I held Bella and Reece extra tight. They are my entire world and some days they are the only reason I get out of bed! I love them so much and there is no doubt that they have saved me. Bella came into my life when I was in treatment in the worst part of my battle with ED, I have always called her my angel. Reece was a little surprise, I was not planning on getting another pet, but when I saw his little face I knew he was mine. He is a lot of work but he gets me out of the house and the love he gives will always be more than worth the 5 a.m pottys!!  


Last night, Nick and I spent the evening searching for Khloe and then we snuggled up and watched a movie. It was great quality time and just kept me counting all of the blessings in my life.  There are so many!!! Things are starting to feel much better! Still eating my full meal plan and tonight I even ate a little extra!! 


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Good Day. Bad Body Image.

Another good sleep in day!! Went to work for a few hours and got some Subway for dinner. After dinner I felt so full and uncomfortable. I took a shower and being nakey was sooo embarrassing even though it was only me who saw my body. I was completely disgusted and self conscious. I feel really low right now because of how my tummy looks. I feel like a huge fatty. I don't know how I have a boyfriend because I am so unattractive :( I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore, and honestly I don't blame him.


This feeling is so dark, lonely and hopeless. I want to cry. I just want to be beautiful and feel beautiful. I can't stand my reflection it is possibly the ugliest thing I have ever seen.  I hate feeling this way but you will have these times when you suffer from and eating disorder. What I choose to do with these emotions and feelings is what makes the differences over all. I used to think even feeling this way meant I was letting ED take over. Now I have come to accept this as another one of my emotions-some days I am sad, mad, happy and sometimes I am self conscious. How I respond to the feeling is the determinate of who wins-me or ED. I know I would feel better if I restricted, but I would not only be losing to ED, I would be losing everything I deserve: my education, health, relationships, and life in general. I do not want to lose, so I will continue to stay on my meal plan and allow this feeling to pass, because I know it will, it always has. Times like this are when I need to be my strongest.


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Motivation Needed

Today I slept in and found it extremely hard to get out of bed. I had some really cool dreams that made my real life seem so dull. I did not want to wake up to my life. It was a really low feeling and I felt really depressed and just had no motivation at all. I looked at my pets and knew they needed me to get up, especially Reece because he needed to go outside. Once I got up and moving things got better, I made some lunch, had a snack and went to work for a few hours. After work I went to the grocery and got a lot of good stuff. At home I made a good dinner- Turkey hot shots, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Cooking makes me feel really good. Eating the food I make is easier to do because instead of focusing on the eating part I am proud of myself for making good food! I love having the house smell like dinner :) Today turned out pretty good even after a rough start.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Fighting Back

Lately things have been rough and I ended up totally restricting for a few days straight. It was the only way I could deal with the emotions I was feeling at the time. Now that I have faced my problems head on and am dealing with what life is throwing at me right now, I am doing better. Today is the first day in a week that I have eaten my entire meal plan. I feel really bloated and uncomfortable, but I know I my body needs it now more than ever. I have been working a lot of hours and finally took some time to spend some of the money I have earned. Shopping is great therapy and I needed it! I got a bunch on new dresses and it made me really happy. Like I always do when clothes shopping, I went ahead and bought what I liked in a size that looks like it will fit and tried it all on at home. What doesn't fit or look right is easier to deal with when you are in the comforts of your bedroom! Of the 7 outfits I got only one is being returned and it is because it fits weird, not because it is too tight. Things are slowly looking up, but things are still very fragile with me. I need you all now more than I have since I have started blogging.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Bronchitis..blah!

Hello loves! The past couple of days have been pretty rough! I went to the doctor and found out I have a bad case of bronchitis. After 2 breathing treatments, 3 shots and lots of medicine, I am beginning to feel better. My voice still isn't back, but with a few more days of rest I will be much better! At the doctor they put me on the scale and it took every bit of me not to look up and see what number appeared. I reminded myself that only the doctor needs to see it and I held strong. In the exam room the nurse took my blood pressure and when she put the strap around my arm I felt like my arm was so tiny and I loved it! When she went over my medications she asked what I took them for and I told her I had anorexia and after I said that she looked at my body. It was a very awkward moment but not everyone understands it, even some in the medical field. Whenever the issue of my medical condition comes up I always say "I have anorexia" instead of saying "I'm anorexic" because I feel like the latter sounds more like a choice. Anorexia is a disease and not a choice, yes I am anorexic just like my dad is diabetic, but since ED is so misunderstood, I make sure to word it in a way that doesn't suggest it as a choice.  Not much has happened lately other than that and a lot of sleeping!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

ED LIES

So today was much better than yesterday! I woke up with a whisper of a voice but went to work anyway. The teacher I was with was much more talkative to me today and that made me feel better about her liking me. She thanked me for helping her this week because it helps her have the same sub long term that actually helps and knows what they are doing. We also got on the topic of the other sub that is taking over in her room as assistant teacher and she did not know how she got the job and hasn't really talked to her at all, so I didn't need to take it personally. ED is so mean! It is like everything I believed yesterday was debunked today with just one conversation! After work I had my brother and step mom over to swim and have dinner with me. It was a lot of fun and having them at the pool with me helped a lot!

The pool is a VERY triggering place to be for a person with an eating disorder. I noticed three girls at the pool with very tight abs. I started feeling insecure and getting urges to just RUN!! I was able to distract by playing with my brother in the pool. When we got out to dry off the song "Who Says" by Selena Gomez came on the radio and with the sun shining on my skin I remembered why life is so beautiful. Every one is different and that is what makes life worth living! I would hate going to work if all of the kids there looked and acted the same. I hope I can learn to be more comfortable with my body this summer...maybe allowing a limited amount of exercise a day would help, that will take a lot of structure and self accountability on my part though. I need to think about it for a while...

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Day by Day

Hello my loves. This week has kicked my butt! Working all day on top of being sick is really hard! I barely have a voice and have absolutely no energy. I am so tired that I don't even care about taking care of myself, all I want to do is sleep. Tonight, when I got home from work I tried to eat pizza, but after one bite I stopped and fell asleep. When I woke up (2 hours later!) I went to the refrigerator to see what my choices for dinner were...and again nothing sounded good. I settled for a box of mac n cheese and called it a night. Now I am in bed, I can't breathe and I feel sick to my stomach.

 Even with all of these distractions, ED is still there. The teacher I am working with this week is nice, but I feel like she doesn't like me. I don't know if it is just ED but I feel very paranoid around her. I start worrying about how I look and my job performance. The other teacher in her room, that I am subbing for this week, is moving out of state and they hired another sub to fill her place for the summer. I started to wonder why they didn't ask me and began to criticize myself, how I work, how far along I am in my degree, and that the other teacher asked NOT to have me because she didn't like me! Ugh this week is really getting to my head!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Hello loves! Feeling a sinus infection coming on so I am going to bed early tonight!

stay strong and beautiful! <3

Rough Day...

I know I haven't been keeping up with my writing as often as I used to, but I have been working a lot and been pretty busy! I haven't forgotten about you my loves, no worries.

Today was a pretty rough day, I have to admit I did not do my best. I ate a small breakfast and after that had very strong urges to restrict and had every intention on following through with those urges. As the day went on I began feeling guilty about restricting which is a very good thing, but a strange feeling at the same time. I am usually feeling guilty for NOT restricting, not the opposite! I guess that means my rational mind is getting stronger than my ED mind :) I got some Subway with my step mom and little brother and that helped to not eat alone. A few hours later it was time to go out to eat for my step dad's birthday. We went to a European restaurant so the food was different and the menu had like three things I eat. I was still full from Subway and felt enormous. I did the best I could but knew it was no where near enough. At home, after my tummy settled a little, I snacked on little things around the house that would be sit lightly on my tummy. I felt better that I was able to get a little more in my body before the day was over. ED did not completely win today!

I am curious as to your thoughts on the post about the scale....do you agree about the importance of knowing your weight? Let me know!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Measure of what?

Wednesday!!! My favorite day of the week. Had work today and that was about it. I had a little negative body image, but was able to work through it by distracting. Like I said yesterday, I am going to talk about something different that has to do with living with an eating disorder. Today I wanted to talk about scales...

A few days ago, I was talking to my best friend about being weighed. She does not have an eating disorder, but like every other woman in the world she weighed herself and felt insecure. We got to talking and it started to upset me how our society has made weight such a defining characteristic of beauty.  I think that scales should only be used at the doctor's office to keep and eye on your health. There is no need to even know what number the scale spits out...after all it is JUST A NUMBER. Like age, it means nothing as to who you are as a person. You can look at someone and guess how old they are and you can do the same with weight, but even if you do guess correctly does that mean anything about that person? No, they are not nicer, prettier, smarter or in any way better than anyone else because they are a certain age or weight. As people grow older in age they are at greater risk of different health issues, same goes for weight. The more you weigh, the more at risk you are for different health issues and diseases. This is why I feel it should only be the doctor's concern. The doctor is responsible for keeping track and checking for diseases and such that are common in people of certain ages and weight. In this case, knowing the weight of a person is beneficial, but I can not think of one case in which knowing your own weight is beneficial. When you know what you weigh it does nothing but hurt your feelings and make you feel inadequate. Why should be know what we weigh? If we were over weight then our doctors should help guide us to a healthier weight without placing emphasis on a number because....IT IS JUST A NUMBER!!!! I know that some people do not go to the doctor regularly, but again that is their own risk to take. I think the world would be a lot happier of a place is people did not focus on a silly number. Remember, whatever that mechanical platform says you weigh does not make you ugly, stupid, bad, wrong or any less of a person. You are you and your weight is just a number that only your doctor needs to keep track of....if there is a problem with your number they will help you get it where it needs to be, so stop stressing over a few digits :)

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Its a Good Good Life

Hello loves!! The past couple days have been pretty uneventful, sleeping in and working for a few hours. I have been planning meals and enjoying every moment of every day. Tonight I went to dinner with my aunts and did a little shopping after. I bought some capris for work and a form fitting dress and actually liked the way it hugged my body. I am beginning to embrace my body and the curves it has. If I were teeny tiny, that dress would look ridiculous on me, but since I am at a healthy weight, I have a butt to fill out the dress :) Sorry so short, but really not too much going on. I am working on a list of things to write about other than my daily life so look for some of those posts in the next few days!

Stay Strong and Beautiful <3

I'm Still Here!!!

I am so sorry I haven't written in a while other than small updates from my phone. I worked all week and Thursday and Friday were so busy that when I did get home, I went right to bed! Friday was my last session with my therapist on campus. I will miss her so much and appreciate all she has done for me. We went to places I have never gone to in therapy and was able to put a lot of my past behind me for good. I have been able to see myself for what I really am and that is something I can not thank her enough for. She will change so many lives and I am so honored to have been able to be her patient. Saturday was really stressful for me. Because I worked all week, I got behind on planning my meals so I had nothing to go on. On top of no plan for food, there were about a million things going on! Everybody wanted me to do stuff and I want to see everyone so I say yes to everyone! In between my date with my sister at the mall and my brother at the movie, I checked my final grades for Spring quarter and got very upset. Last quarter I got all A's and made the Dean's list, but this quarter I got one A and three B's. I was so mad because I had checked my grade for my Science and Math class the last week of school and had a 94%, so how did it drop to a B in a week? I also saw that I got a 74% on my final for my History class when I had done research for my essay prior to the exam!! I tried to remind myself that she is a very unfair grader and that a B is still good for her class, but after seeing the B in the class I had expected an A in just made it that much worse!!! I had been off of my medicine for a few days while the pharmacy worked out a problem with the insurance company so dealing with this situation was a million times harder than it would have been if I had my medicine. Tough weekend to say the least. I ended up missing some snacks and a meal yesterday because it was what I had to do to get through the day. It was the only way I could handle the situation and get through it. This morning I woke up determined to do better and it started out that way. I had my breakfast and a good sized lunch, but after that I just stopped. It had felt sooo good to restrict yesterday that I wanted to do it even more. I restricted for about five hours and started to feel light headed and weak. I was watching Kayla's episode of 16 and Pregnant and seeing her make it through a pregnancy with anorexia reminded me why I need to eat. I want a family some day and I need to take care of myself now so that my body is healthy enough to even conceive a baby down the road. I made a snack and planned my meals for tomorrow. I am feeling  a little better, but it is going to be a challenging evening for me. I know I can do it though.

Happy Father's Day to my daddy!!!! Thank you for always supporting me. You have been my hero since I was a little girl. I love you so much.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

At my friend's dance recital and miss dance so much! Maybe come out of retirement??

Super overwhelmed! So much to do today and meals aren't planned!!!

Brighter Side of ED

Hello my loves! Last night I had a sleep over with one of my best friends, sorry I didn't write!! Yesterday was a little tough with food. I woke up late so I had to cram in a lot of stuff before I went to work. I also have been feeling bloated lately, so that doesn't help the food intake! Good news though...ever since last week's session my body image has been a LOT better. I look at my reflection and see me as I am, not me as what I am not. It feels really good to not pick myself to pieces. I am much happier and can talk to my coworkers and friends without being paranoid about my appearance. I have realized that they do not know what "I am supposed to be" per ED, they know me as what I am, end of story. To them I am perfect because I am the way I am supposed to be. It is important to remind yourself that perfection is subjective. My, or ED's rather, expectations for myself are mine only, they are not held true to others in the world and they do not judge me or see me for who I am not. Coming to this revelation has truly made my life so much brighter and I hope that this is truly the light at the end of the tunnel that I have been waiting two years to find. This is absolutely a huge step in my recovery and I am so proud of myself for getting to this point.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

The Big Picture

Today was a really good day. I slept in with my babies and got some errands finished before work. Work was really fun. It has been a while since I worked so it was really fun seeing all my kids again. A lot of the babies moved into the toddler room! It is so neat to watch them grow up. Just a little while ago I reread my old journal. The entries went back before rehab, when I was really engaged in my eating disorder. It was really tough to read and relive the moments. As I read, I could feel ED taking over. It felt like a heaviness in my chest and a lump in my throat. Reading those tough times before and during treatment just made it very clear to me how far I have come in the past three years. My two year anniversary of my recovery is coming up this week. I am so proud of myself. It will have been exactly two years since I have purposely made myself sick. That is a huge milestone for me, especially after reading the about what a dark place I was in three years ago. I am feeling very proud of myself, blessed for having overcome this disease and also very vulnerable for having read what I went through in more detail. I could tell you what happened to me in a nut shell, like I did in an earlier post, but to read the details from when I wrote them in the moment, are much more hard to swallow. I know I will bounce back, but right now I am feeling some uncomfortable emotions.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Family Time!

Hey Loves!! This weekend was really busy, but great. Saturday Reece and I went to visit my mom at work and had lunch with her at a game Nick was umping. After the game we headed to Columbus to spend the night with my sister. It was really nice to spend some time with her, we don't get too very often. She means so much to me and I am so proud of her.  We did some shopping and rented a movie. Reece enjoyed his visit also.

Today, we went to lunch with my Aunt, Uncle, cousin and his fiance. It was so nice to see them. Wish I got to see them more often. I meant to look up the menu for the restaurant before hand, but I forgot so choosing what to order was a little nerve wracking. I was able to find something and play with a little puzzle toy to keep my hands busy. When I am anxious it helps to do something with my hands, sometimes I will play with silly putty.  When the food came the sandwich was so big!!!! I felt like it took my forever to eat. I was unable to finish the entire sandwich but after lunch I got a smoothie to make up for what I didn't finish. I have felt pretty huge today, but luckily I was too busy to obsess over it. Every now and then I would catch my thoughts wondering to my belly, but I would quickly change my focus by talking to who ever was around me.

Hope every one had a great weekend!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Just had lunch with my Aunt Susan, Uncle Steve and Kevin and Ashley. It was great to see them! Spent last night in Columbus with my sister...more tonight!

Not Even Perfect Will Do

Today's therapy appointment was really good, I think it may have changed the way I fight ED. My therapist, Sarah, asked me to draw the "perfect" me. The task was very anxiety provoking, but I did it. When I gave her the picture with the list of "perfect" attributes she asked me a good question: If you were all of these things would you be happy? I said that if I had all of those things then I would quit thinking I was ugly...but Sarah went further. She brought up the attribute "thin."

"When you were sick and underweight, were you thin enough?" The answer is obviously no! When I was teeny tiny, in my eyes I was still fat and still had weight to lose. From there she asked; since I was never thin enough when I was underweight, what would make me think that possessing this picture of "perfection" would be "perfect" enough? She totally opened up my eyes today to the fact that this "perfection" I have been on a mission to become would never be good enough for ED. So now what? It is clear now that ED will never love me or change is vision of "perfect" to fit what I already am, but what now? Now, I am done trying to change me, and am dedicating my recovery to changing ED. I can't change who I am or what I look like, but I can change how he talks to me and how much power I give his words.

First step....accept something easy. I chose to accept my hair. For the next week (surprise, I have one more week with her!!!) I will be paying attention to how I let go of ED's power over my hair. I will challenge his words when I get ready and any time throughout the day. When I am doing my hair I need to tell him to get over himself because this is my hair and this is what it is going to look like today. I hope I can do it!!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Just Keep Scrubbing...

The phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side," is taken to the extreme when you live with an eating disorder. Not only is the grass greener, it is prettier, thinner, more attractive and more desired. Everything about that damn grass over there is just perfect. As you all know I walked across the street to the greener grass when I got my spray tan. My pale complexion has always been something I have been self conscious about and even when I took action and changed it, I still hated how I looked. ED was not happy even when I was tan like he has always said I should be. He told me all week how it didn't look natural, everyone who said it looked good was only lying to me because they knew I needed to hear it looked okay, and that I am a fake. It is true, I didn't feel like myself. There were times I actually felt pretty, then ED reminded me that I had to change myself to be pretty and I felt ugly once again. He is such a hypocrite, before the tan I wasn't pretty and I should change and when I do, still not good enough and I am stupid for changing. This whole week has been a paranoia ED hell. I got so sick of it that today, hands trembling, I began scrubbing my body. Of course it doesn't miraculously come off so now I look like a giraffe, all spotted brown and white. I am trying to refrain from going back into the tub and scrubbing all night, but I know I will come off in time, I just need to be patient and keep scrubbing. Hopefully this trip through hell will help me appreciate my natural porcelain skin....doubtful with ED.


Finals are finally over and summer has begun. Tomorrow I have my last therapist appointment with the girl I have been with all quarter :( After my dad and I are going to look at an apartment and then the night belongs to me and my family :)


Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Something to remember today: No war was ever won hiding in fear.

Girl Therapy

Tonight I went shopping with a few of my girlfriends. It was really fun and I needed some time with friends. I spend so much time alone that I think sometimes ED feeds on my solidarity. He was picking on my character today. My job has many different locations and I only signed up to work at the campus location. A different location got my number and called me today to work because they were short staffed. I turned them down because I never agreed to work at that location. Could I have, yes, which is why ED tore me apart for my decision. "You are lazy and worthless" he says over and over. I felt so guilty, like my work should just fire me. I talked to my sister and she helped me feel better. She said I am doing what I signed up for and that location was not what I agreed to. I had already made plans for the afternoon and still needed to get my lunch in so I wouldn't be much help to them anyway. I am still being tough on myself but I keep reminding myself that I am going to be working at least 3 days a week all summer and will be available to come in any other day, so I need to allow myself this week to get through finals and have a little bit of fun. ED still thinks I am lazy and worthless and hasn't stopped letting me know that. He is such a freaking jerk. I am doing the best I can balancing school, work and eating. Right now eating is a full time job for me, so if I turned down hours at a location I never signed up to work at then it is okay. I just need to keep reminding myself that.

Right now I am a little behind on my snacks and need to combine them into one snack which will be pretty tough to do.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Kick in the Butt!

Thanks to everyone who left me messages on Facebook kicking my butt and getting me back on track! I really needed some motivation and support. Thanks for stepping up when I needed you guys <3 I planned my meals like I wanted to. Today has been much easier because of doing so. Lunch was really hard though! After my first exam this morning I got a smoothie and it filled me up! My next exam was at 1:00 so I would have to eat lunch before I left for school. I was still so full that it was really hard to get down. I talked to my mom and friend to get through it, but it was definitely a challenge!! The only time I had trouble was when I was at school....go figure I had trouble when I was around people. Once I got home all of the anxiety surrounding my appearance disappeared. Just one more day of finals and that stresser will be gone. I need to remember that everything will be fine and everything will get done when it needs to. It is very hard for me not to stress, I always want to get things done immediately so I won't have to think about it later. I have a fear of forgetting to do something important so it is easier to just get everything done right away. All in all it was just another day in my crazy life! I know right now my mom is about to pick up the phone and call me and tell me I am not crazy :p Sorry mom, but  it is a pretty crazy life! But it is my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Shut Down

Today has been extremely tough...I am so ashamed to even tell you about it. I did so awful today with food. I didn't even get in half of my meal plan and I didn't even care. After breakfast I was so full that I didn't bother eating until 5:00 and even then, I didn't want to because I felt so full and fat. If it weren't for me being with my dad, I would have restricted the rest of the day. I am so stressed with finding a new place to live, finals, and getting used to my spray tan that I just need some help. I am paranoid that everyone hates my tan, that it doesn't look natural or good at all. I don't believe people when they say that it does because ED tells me it doesn't. I have had it done a few times in the past and never has it ever looked orange or streaky, so why would it be different now? ED is so mean and feeds on my insecurities at my most vulnerable moments and today I gave in to him and he won. I hate admitting it, but he did. I want to cry and give up but I know that is not an option....death is NOT an option. Tomorrow I am going to have lunch with my mom and hopefully I can get some meals planned while I am with her. I can't do this alone and I need to quit trying. This is serious and I am scared. I hate feeling out of control because I know my life is in my own hands. Sorry this is so short, I just am really running on no motivation and have shut down...

Stay Strong and Beautiful <3

Checking in from my phone. Having a TOUGH day!!! Can't wait to write to you later!

stay strong and beautiful! <3

Letting the Paint Dry

Hello Lovelies!! Checking in while I let the paint dry on my picture. I am in the middle of apartment shopping and have been making lots of homemade things to put in my new home :) So far I have make a dog leash/ treat holder to hang on the wall and now I am working on a painting to put in my bathroom. Today I got a spray tan because I have been so self conscious about my skin lately. I feel more confident since having it done, so I guess it is a good thing I went ahead and did it. I don't like the idea of changing myself, but if it makes me feel better then I will do it (as long as it is nothing major or permanent). Still haven't planned my meals but I am hoping to do that tomorrow or Monday.

Yesterday was my session with my therapist on campus. It was a very interesting one! Ever since we did the child exercise, I have noticed many different things that I do that go back to that inner child. For one, I noticed I prefer to sit at tables that are high off of the ground so I can feel my feet dangle and not touch the ground. We started talking about my idea of what an adult is, and when you think about it, it is hard to define. The more we talked, the more be began to think being an adult is all a facade. I thought being an adult meant: having a career, being financially independent, owning a house and even being married. Then she asked me a good question; "If I did not own a house, not engaged and didn't have a career, would you still look at me and say I am an adult?" It took me a while to think about it and I said yes, I would still consider her an adult. Now my idea of what an adult is was totally debunked. All of this came about because I told her how I don't feel like an adult and that I don't think others view me as an adult. This fear of not being seen as an adult also carries over into my relationship. I feel like people view my relationship with Nick as something child-like, and nothing serious since we are not engaged or married. After picking apart the beliefs in my head, together we wondered if I feel like having the things I feel make a person an adult would give me a sense of security.  Being married would mean Nick and I would be together forever, having a home would be mature, and having a career would make me financially independent. Who knew all of this crazy stuff was underneath my stinkin' eating disorder?! See, it is NOT just about food, it is about so much more...for me even the challenge of transitioning for a child to an adult can trigger ED! Right now, my challenge is to 1) figure out what the heck an "adult" is and 2) find a way to integrate the freedom and innocence of being a child in with the maturity and responsibility of being an adult.

Let me know what you think defines an "adult".

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!! <3