Advocating ED

Tonight was my speech at my Mom's Kiwanis club. All day I was calm and confident about talking, but once I got to the venue, I was shaking from head to toe! I was able to meet some of the member before my speech which helped a lot! I was able to gauge who my audience was, and from my first impressions they were very nice people. One of my biggest fears going into this was that the audience would not be interested, or understanding of the topic. I guess tonight really taught me to never prejudge.

My mom introduced me and had me tearing up before I was even able to begin. Once I swallowed my tears I went right into it. I started by asking the members what they already knew about ED. I got some great responses. After I felt everyone who wanted to contribute had, I started my power point. Public speaking has never been a natural thing for me, so I said a few (lots) more "ums" than I would have in my mind, and probably fidgeted a lot, but I got through it. After I told my own story, I used some resources from NEDA's website to give some statistics. At the end there were lots of questions, which excited me! I could tell they were all very interested in learning more about ED.

Being able to see the reactions of those I was speaking to and have a conversation about eating disorders was a very empowering experience for me. It was the first time I felt like the past three years of work have actually been worth something! I know my health should be worth all of the work I have put into my recovery, but seeing how my story has effected the people I spoke to meant the most to me. At the end of the meeting most of the member came up to me and complimented (which made me feel great), some opened up about their loved ones who have dealt with ED or other mental struggles. To know that what I was talking about was relevant to them and meant something to them made all of the nerves seem silly! I walked away from the experience proud and on a high that I had changed some lives tonight. Even got a few more ideas of things that I need to add to my next speech :)

Thank you to all of the Xenia Kiwanis members for listening to me tonight and participating in the conversation. Together we are making changes!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Stuck in a Low...

Last week was rough! Fought the flu all week while continuing to go to school and work. I am feeling stressed, it seems like school is getting busy and I am feeling like I am not doing as well with my jewelry business as I would like. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. During all of this I have been feeling very lonely, like I am all on my own. Although I know am not, ED does what he can to isolate me whenever he can.  I hate him in that way. His attempts to isolate me are still a battle I need to learn how to fight. I eat healthy and keep a steady, healthy weight, but he is still there...and in some cases, still winning small battles. I know in time I will learn how to deal with this form for bullying too, but for now, I am left feeling alone and getting through each day as it comes.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Flu Bug Fun

The past three days have belonged to the flu :( no fun! It is so hard taking care of yourself and two animals when you can barely get out of bed! But I did it somehow. I am getting better, keeping food down but still very low on energy.

ED has behaved himself since I have been sick which I am very grateful for! My speech is next Tuesday and I'm getting nervous! I am also very excited though, this is something I have always wanted to do since I found my power in my disease. This is my chance to change someone's view of ED with my experience. I hope those of you reading that have recovered or are recovering from ED realize how much power you have over your disease. Recovery is in your hands, all you have to do is grip it and run with it!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!

Insecurities

We all have our insecurities. Some more than others, personally, I feel like I have too many to count. At times my insecurities can be crippling. There are days I feel so fat, or ugly that I don't want any one to see me, so I don't leave the house if possible. Other days I get so insecure about who I am as a person that comments made by others (including harmless comments) stick with me and replay through my mind to the point that it becomes personal.

Lately I have been feeling insecure about how I do not look, and at times act, my age. I work with kids, so I tend to take on their care-free spirit which can be childish, I am aware, but I also know that it makes me a happier person than most. I wonder if that is something I should change, or if it is ok and is just who I am? I also feel insecure about the age I look, I am 21 and people guess 15 or 16. It makes it hard to be taken seriously as a woman and as a girlfriend. I know Nick sees me as a woman, but I feel like I look at other couples and the woman is so sophisticated. I feel lost right now, like I don't know who I am or who I should be.

"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation" -Herman Melville


Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

How to Save a Life

Today I was thinking about my speech again, and I got to wondering something; How do you approach/help someone you suspect may have an eating disorder?

I thought back to my own experience. Initially I had told my mom that I was not eating well and needed her help, but as my disease progressed, I no longer wanted the help that I initially asked for. My family and friends grew increasingly concerned about my health with the more weight I lost. The disease poisons your mind and turns you against the ones that love you. You don't see the need to get help, and their constant concern becomes irritating. So what do you do?

This is a question I have been struggling with for a while. I see people all over, on campus, at the store, with frail bodies that catch my eye. Because of what I have been through, I want to help them and tell them it can get better, but how do you approach that. Obviously I cannot go up to every skinny stranger and ask them if they have an eating disorder. But, how do you give them enough to know you care and understand what they are going through? I certainly don't want to make them uncomfortable, or make their battle any more difficult, however, I feel almost obligated to do SOMETHING. What if I am the only person that can recognize the disease, what if no one else says anything and they never get help? It is no doubt a very difficult thing to see a beautiful girl with a look of fear and emptiness in her eyes and knowing you can help her, but not knowing how to get that far!

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face" -Eleanor Roosevelt

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Evening with Ma

Today was very busy! School from 8-1, work from 2-5 and went to a conference in Cincinnati and saw the founders of Silpada! It was a good motivation for me to keep working on my jewelry business. It is tough starting out, there are a lot of road blocks that can be very discouraging; being in school and working a different job during the week on top of it, can sometimes make giving up on the business sound tempting. However, tonight I heard from successful women and they are where I want to be with my business, but they also have been working at it for six and ten years! I am only in my third month, so I need to cut myself some slack, but also stay motivated to always do better.

If you haven't yet heard, there is going to be another NEDA walk in Columbus. This year it is May 12th. If you want to join, click the link below and search for Team EDucate (that's us!!). Registration is $20 for adults and $10 for kids. It is a really good time and it is obviously for a great cause!
http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR?fr_id=1670&pg=entry

I thought a nice touch to the blog would be to add a quote at the end of each post. We will try it out and see what you think :)

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it" - Confucius <------- Just because you don't see your beauty, doesn't mean it doesn't exist! Guess what?.....IT DOES!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

I have been thinking a lot about my upcoming speech about ED. I talked to my mom and heard from some of you, and it has helped me a lot. I have decided to simply tell my story and try to shed light to the prison of ED. I figure, anyone can look up facts and statistics on eating disorders, but that does not begin to explain what life is like with ED. I am getting excited and also nervous about it. While I drive in the car I think of things I want to say and it has gotten me thinking a lot lately about where I was four years ago and where I am today and I start to cry with pride. I have come so far it is amazing to me. The song "Changed" by Rascal Flatts says it well. If you haven't heard it yet, you have to! It reminds you that the fight from a hard place is well worth the change.

I hope every one is having a great Easter Weekend!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Spreading the Word

My mom has asked me to speak to her Kiwanis group, and of course I decide to talk about ED. For me, this is a chance to educate a group of people that may be very ignorant to eating disorders. I am very nervous, not only about the public speaking aspect, but the fear of their reaction. The group is a lot of males and older in age, that is the audience that scares me the most since ED is not an "issue" of their generation. I am afraid they will not accept the fact that ED is a disease, although mental, just as deadly as any physical disease. I need some help with what I should talk about, do I talk about the neurological facts, or the personal experience, or give statistics? I would love to hear from you. If you were to hear a speech on eating disorders, what would you be most interested in hearing. The speech is April 24th, so I need to start preparing!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3

Burst of Empowerment

My health class requires us to complete a "wellness plan." This means we each have to choose one habit we wish to improve in order to better our lives. The habit I chose to improve is blogging more. I know the only way I am going to make a difference in the life of someone dealing with ED is to write. So it's time to get back to business!

Two weeks ago Nick and I went on vacation, and I was struggling big time with ED. In my eyes (more so ED's eyes) I was five pounds too heavy which made everything about me ugly and disgusting. So, when it came time to put my swim suit on, it inevitably ended in a breakdown. One night, I just collapsed on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out and telling Nick how much I just hated myself for being so ugly. I told him to leave me because I was embarrassing to be with. It was a very low point for me. The next day I vowed not to allow ED to steal my vacation, so I took my antidepressant medication in the morning and discussed all of the reasons my body could be retaining more weight than usual.  With a lot of strength and support, I was able to reclaim my vacation and have a fantastic time.

This quarter I am taking Pilates and a zumba class, which is making me feel a lot better about my body, for now at least! Hope it stays that way, I am convinced a woman is the most beautiful when she feels confident in herself.

Stay Strong and Beautiful!!