Mamma Fell Off Her Rocker

Lately I have been struggling with comparing myself to others and feeling "good enough." Last night I completely lost control of everything! I woke up feeling very empty and just numb about life. Later in the afternoon we went to Nick's friend's house to hang out with some friends and my anxiety just went through the roof. I couldn't stop comparing myself the other girls there and judging myself for not connecting with anyone. I felt very out of place, although looking back I was not out of place. The longer we stayed the worse my anxiety and ED voice got. I had only eaten once so far and had hormones going crazy on top of ED. It was just the perfect storm. I went to sit alone to calm down and just started crying. Once I started crying there was no stopping it. Nick kept asking what was wrong but I didn't have an answer for him because I didn't know myself what was wrong! I felt completely out of control and not even in my own body. It is the scariest feeling and have only felt that way one other time in my life, and that was when I was in treatment. I had to leave even though I really wanted to stay and be "normal."

This is just another example of why an eating disorder is not JUST  a "food thing." It comes with many "side effects" as I like to call them. Social anxiety, depression, general anxiety, OCD, and other things that can (not always) come along with ED. ED plays these cards to weaken you and find a way to regain his power over you. Last night he won. He played the depression card first, and them WHAM the social anxiety card.

I hope I never have to experience that again. Last night just reinforced how blessed I am to have such amazing supports. Nick, even though he didn't understand, was very patient and loving. My mom was very sympathetic and gentle. My friend calmed me down on the phone and made me feel not so crazy by understanding what I was going through. Another plus about getting treatment: you make great friends that understand what you are going through like no one else can! To every one there last night, I apologize for leaving so suddenly and not socializing. I hope this helps you understand as much as one possibly can understand.

PLEASE Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Christmas Wrap Up

The holidays are always very stressful. You have to make sure to get everyone a gift, stay on a budget, and make it to as many family dinners as possible. It is easy to miss the enjoyment of Christmas. I was very fortunate to not have any food anxiety this year. I didn't even think about food during the dinners! That is very exciting. Just two Christmases ago I was crying at the end of the night and refusing to eat anymore because I felt so gross. I am very proud of myself. 

For Christmas Nick is designing me a beautiful necklace for my recovery. It is so important to surround yourself with people that support you and realize how important your recovery is to you. 

I am considering starting a group at school for students that have ED, know someone with ED, and just those suffering from poor body image. I am not sure how to start it or even if it would do well. The thought of no one coming to a meeting is really embarrassing. I want to help any one that I possibly can, but the possibility of failure makes me hesitant to do anything.

Hope every one had a great Holiday!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Small Interruption

Last week was finals week for school and things got extremely busy! Now that I am done with school for a few weeks I am going to pick back up where I left off: Taking care of myself! Tomorrow I plan on sleeping in! I would also like to take a little time to journal tomorrow. I used to journal all the time, but now I just push things aside and do what I have to do. There are things I just ignore because I don't have the time to deal with them at the time. Ignoring problems is not healthy and does not solve anything. Problems don't just disappear. I hope to get some things off of my chest and find some peace within myself.

That's the plan!!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Making Time

Taking time to truly embrace recovery is hard to do when there is so much going on! I still have work that I would like to get done so that tomorrow I can give all of my time to taking care of Nick. However, I know that I also need to care for myself and take time to acknowledge my recovery. I have called it a night for homework and am going to spend the rest of my night painting my nails and making a page in my scrapbook dedicated to recovery and respect for my body.  I will post a picture of the finished product!

I am starting to notice that by making time to acknowledge my recovery has really instilled a deeper respect and pride in myself. What I am fighting is tough and I don't mind saying that I am doing a hell of a job. I go to school and get all A's (occasional B's), I tutor two children that require me to make a lot of lesson plans, and I have a long distance relationship. I know a lot of people my age balance the same things, but I also fight a deadly disease every day on top of all of that. It certainly is not easy, but is without a doubt worth it. The time I am taking to really reflect on all of the hard work I put into recovery and fighting ED has really helped. I feel more power over my disease because of this new found self respect. 

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Challenge Update

I did not get a chance to post yesterday, but I did do something for myself. I went to kohls with the intention to buy myself a new dress for Christmas. Buying a new dress would require me to try on clothes, and it was after dinner time so it would be a challenge. However, I reminded myself that the number on the tag of the dress does not make me who I am and that I deserve to feel beautiful for Christmas! I did not find any dresses that I was crazy about, so I treated myself to a new pair or booties.

Today has also been busy. The day started at 5 am taking Nick to the hospital for knee surgery. In the waiting room I did homework then spent the rest of the morning taking care of Nick and making him comfortable. This afternoon I had a presentation to give and a three hour lecture to attend. So, what did I do for myself today to embrace recovery? I took a nap in between my two classes. My body was exhausted! I listened to what my body was telling me and took care of it. I did not judge my body,  I respected it and nurtured it. My body has always taken care of me, allowing me to do everything that I need it to do. Even when I didn't take care of it, my body kept strong. I now have a new respect for my body. It truly is an amazing machine. My goal is to not judge it as a size, but respect it and take care of it for the precious gift that it is.

It may not seem like much, but with ED even those small gifts to yourself are not allowed. ED would tell me that it was selfish to spend my money on myself or that I am wasting my time napping, I should be doing something productive. He would call me selfish and lazy for doing the things that I did. I did those things for myself without judgement...without ED. I know my recovery is working when I can do something, realize what ED would say about the situation and do it anyway despite him.

Sorry ED...I am in control this time.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

Recovery Challenge

It is the holiday season. I do not know one person, with ED or not, that does not find the holiday season stressful and triggering. I am guilty of engaging in harmful ED behaviors lately have decided not to let ED steal my holidays. I am dedicating December to a recovery challenge. I am already a few days behind, but from here on out I will do something every day that is about embracing recovery. The plan is to post each night about what I decided to do to take back power in my recovery.

Tonight, blogging was my act of recovery. I have been bad about keeping you all posted on my struggles and victories. This is my way of spreading awareness and the blunt realities of eating disorders. It is my duty to shed light on the reality of the disease. So, tonight by writing, I am playing my part in stealing EDs power. Eating disorders are such a secretive and "shameful" disease to a lot of people, and ED feeds off of this stigma. By writing, I am hoping to make that stigma disappear-taking away a little more power from ED. For all of you suffering out there here is what I have to say: There is NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You have a disease as real as cancer, it is NOT your fault. If you continue to keep your disease a secret, you are only giving your disease power. That being said, you don't have to tell the world you have an eating disorder, but you should not feel ashamed if you do choose to tell someone. For every (supportive) person you tell and seek help from, you are winning the battle. And that is something to be very proud of!

Stay Strong and Beautiful!! <3