Lately I have been struggling with comparing myself to others and feeling "good enough." Last night I completely lost control of everything! I woke up feeling very empty and just numb about life. Later in the afternoon we went to Nick's friend's house to hang out with some friends and my anxiety just went through the roof. I couldn't stop comparing myself the other girls there and judging myself for not connecting with anyone. I felt very out of place, although looking back I was not out of place. The longer we stayed the worse my anxiety and ED voice got. I had only eaten once so far and had hormones going crazy on top of ED. It was just the perfect storm. I went to sit alone to calm down and just started crying. Once I started crying there was no stopping it. Nick kept asking what was wrong but I didn't have an answer for him because I didn't know myself what was wrong! I felt completely out of control and not even in my own body. It is the scariest feeling and have only felt that way one other time in my life, and that was when I was in treatment. I had to leave even though I really wanted to stay and be "normal."
This is just another example of why an eating disorder is not JUST a "food thing." It comes with many "side effects" as I like to call them. Social anxiety, depression, general anxiety, OCD, and other things that can (not always) come along with ED. ED plays these cards to weaken you and find a way to regain his power over you. Last night he won. He played the depression card first, and them WHAM the social anxiety card.
I hope I never have to experience that again. Last night just reinforced how blessed I am to have such amazing supports. Nick, even though he didn't understand, was very patient and loving. My mom was very sympathetic and gentle. My friend calmed me down on the phone and made me feel not so crazy by understanding what I was going through. Another plus about getting treatment: you make great friends that understand what you are going through like no one else can! To every one there last night, I apologize for leaving so suddenly and not socializing. I hope this helps you understand as much as one possibly can understand.
PLEASE Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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