Lately I have been struggling with my anorexia again, fighting urges to restrict. This time, I have no serious poor body image motivating the urges. It is as though I just simply don't want to eat, or feel it is all that important. I feel just fine eating only three meals a day (I am supposed to eat 6). When I look in the mirror I do not criticize my body all that much. I acknowledge it for what it is and go on with my day. That is nice- I will admit. However, it has me wondering if ED is taking a new approach. Maybe he is not making me obsess over my body image, but subconsciously reminding me at meal time by convincing me that it is not important to eat and it just doesn't matter. I do not know if that will make sense to any one else, I myself had trouble following my own train of thought! It is very complicated, but I have learned by now that everything with ED is complicated.
My days are busy with school, tutoring, work and homework. There is little time to socialize (even if I wanted to). Even time to talk to my mom is limited! My boyfriend works crazy hours and is not available most of the time when I need someone to talk to. It is a very lonely time in my life, yet very happy and exciting as well. I am loving school, loving tutoring and as I always have, loving my job. But, at the end of the day I feel like a no body. I hate to admit it, but I have to remind myself every day that I am worth living and have a purpose on this earth. Maybe it will pass, or maybe I will need to go back to a therapist to figure it out. Either way, I am not going to give up my fight.
Stay Strong & Beautiful! <3
