Forgiveness is FAR away

Today I had my therapist appointment and got pretty emotional. I talked about the stomach pains I have been having and how I am scared of what other health problems I may have because of ED that I have not yet discovered. I thought out loud at the possibility of being able to have kids and began to cry. I want nothing more than to be a mommy some day. My mom already named my daughter Grace; I have an image of this beautiful little girl with big brown eyes and porcelain skin, and the thought of not being able to bring my dream of her to life breaks my heart.  

After bringing up how tired  I am of ED and how unfair it is that I have been dealt so many challenging things at such a young age, it reminded me of Ken. I hate bringing him up and giving him attention, but I still hold  A LOT of anger towards him. I usually try to focus on the amazing things in my life and be thankful for what has come of his emotional abuse, but that doesn't allow me to make peace with the negative that has come from him.

When a person is raped or physically hurt, the person responsible is held accountable and faces consequences. When a person is emotionally damaged, the only consequences that exist are given to the one that was hurt. Doesn't make sense. Basically, you can break a person down mentally, crush their spirit, and place them in a permanent prison (mentally) and walk away with no consequences. It's not fair. My therapist asked me to write down all the things that anger me about him and the entire situation, and I am scared to do that because I don't like thinking about that time of my life. I don't want to feel that anger because other than writing about it, there is nothing I can do to relieve it. I know if I were to tell him (which I never want to speak to him again) it would not affect him whatsoever, he is a person that is not capable of feeling anything for anyone but himself. I feel like, unless he were to face consequences directly associated with his abusing me, I will never feel like I have been given justice.

He took so much from me but he did not take my happiness or my future. Granted my life is not where I planned it to be, but I have adapted to the situation and created new dreams for my life.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3