Diagnosing ED

You probably know by now, but if you are new to this blog, then you don't know; so here it is. My senior year of high school is when I began restricting severely and losing a lot of weight. It wasn't long before my BMI was officially underweight. I weighed myself everyday to gauge how I would eat that day, or if I would at all. It crossed my mind here and there that I may have an eating disorder, but I felt so in control of the situation that it couldn't be true. Another reason why I didn't believe I had a problem was because I didn't think I was "thin enough" to be considered anorexic. If only I knew then, that eating disorders come in all sizes. You don't have to meet a goal to be considered anorexic or bulimic.  

After graduation my parents told me if I didn't enter a treatment center and get healthy, then I would not be going away for school. University of Tennessee had always been my dream college and I had been accepted, so there was no way I was going to miss out on that. I figured, I'll go to this stupid center, do what they say and get the Hell out of Ohio. Once in treatment I was formally diagnosed with Anorexia and still it didn't mean anything to me. I still felt in control and that every one else is the world was just freaking stupid and trying to run my life. A few days into treatment, after refeeding my body back to life, I began to realize that I was really sick. I heard all of the stories from the other women in my center and related so much to them, that it had to be true that I had an eating disorder. My initial reaction was fear. I was so afraid of what I had done to my body, while still being afraid to gain weight even if it was for my health. 

The further I got in treatment, the more I learned about my ED and what fueled it. The fear went away and the anger set in. Realizing the events that lead up to my illness made me so frustrated and almost hopeless feeling. It was something I didn't ask for to happen to me and it began sinking in that I had been given a life sentence. Lucky for me though, I have the power to make that life sentence what I want it to be. I know I complain a lot about having ED and get mad about it, but at the end of the day I am not helpless. I have been given the tools and resources to make my life what I want it to be, regardless of my past. My ED is something that could have popped his ugly head up at any point in my life, so I need to separate ED from my past and just deal with him for the sake of my future.

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3