Another good sleep in day!! Went to work for a few hours and got some Subway for dinner. After dinner I felt so full and uncomfortable. I took a shower and being nakey was sooo embarrassing even though it was only me who saw my body. I was completely disgusted and self conscious. I feel really low right now because of how my tummy looks. I feel like a huge fatty. I don't know how I have a boyfriend because I am so unattractive :( I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore, and honestly I don't blame him.
This feeling is so dark, lonely and hopeless. I want to cry. I just want to be beautiful and feel beautiful. I can't stand my reflection it is possibly the ugliest thing I have ever seen. I hate feeling this way but you will have these times when you suffer from and eating disorder. What I choose to do with these emotions and feelings is what makes the differences over all. I used to think even feeling this way meant I was letting ED take over. Now I have come to accept this as another one of my emotions-some days I am sad, mad, happy and sometimes I am self conscious. How I respond to the feeling is the determinate of who wins-me or ED. I know I would feel better if I restricted, but I would not only be losing to ED, I would be losing everything I deserve: my education, health, relationships, and life in general. I do not want to lose, so I will continue to stay on my meal plan and allow this feeling to pass, because I know it will, it always has. Times like this are when I need to be my strongest.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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