TriggerED Tuesday

I swear ED hates Tuesdays. It has been a really rough day and I am glad that it is over and I am safe in my bed. Still no sign of my ring :( I wore a different ring on that finger today because I have been so distracted by the feeling of it being gone. It still wasn't the same :( Thank you for the stories of hope, I am still keeping my hopes up, but my mom said she would direct Nick in the direction of my favorite jeweler. I am never wearing any rings to work ever again!!! I will definitely be more mindful and cautious about my jewelry.

I think I am going to start carrying my private journal with me so I can write down everything that happens that makes me want to write to you guys right away! Today was so rough that I wanted to post every hour, but I don't trust the campus internet so I didn't want to risk someone hacking and ruining our safe place! Let's just start from the beginning and go from there.

I woke up earlier than normal today so I could go to work and look for my ring. The normal routine; shower, breakfast, make up and hair. My roommate came home and needed in the shower so I did my make up in my room. I felt pretty satisfied with how I looked until I went back into the bathroom. It was like I had put on a mask and looked in the mirror. It was NOT the person that I was feeling okay about just seconds earlier. That's the annoying thing with Ed, you can look at yourself one second and feel okay with what you see, then you blink and its like someone else is staring back at you. He is such a twisted man. I saw man because that is my image of ED. I picture him as being a over weight slob that sits in a recliner in my head putting me down all day. The abusive boyfriend or husband you desperately want your best friend to get away from because you fear for her life- that's ED.

At school I felt so anxious. My first class is 2 and a half hours long and it is all group work. I like the people in mt group, they are nice but they always tell stories of their crazy drunken nights and I don't do that so I feel so uncomfortable and out of place. Of course Ed starts to compare and tells me that I am not normal for not participating in the college party scene, but that is just not my thing! I feel like I hear enough chatter in my head all day that the last thing I want to do in my free time is listen to even more people talk! I prefer to stay home alone or only with a few people and relax in some sweats. I feel much safer there. I also feel very self conscious to say anything around them. They are always making fun of other people and I feel like, what are they saying about me? Imagine...two and a half hours of that!!!! Needless to say my daily migraine begins in this class. Sometimes I don't know if it is the stress of ED or just the battle of keeping my brain focused on school work instead of ED's intrusion that causes my headaches.

12:20 was History class. I sit next to my friend in that class and talk to Nick on skype in between lecture notes, so it isn't so bad. Except the actual subject, which I have never been too hot in. But before class began was where the action was. Walking to class I started to get short of breath and by this time my head was pounding like no one's business. I got to class early so I sat down and felt so light headed and my hands were shaking a little bit. I just wanted to leave the building, get in my car and drive home. The only thing that I wanted at that point was to curl up in a ball and disappear. It was all just too much, I didn't want to keep going.

But...I did. I made it through History and went to Econ . Head still pounding, I took notes and wiggled in my chair.  Luckily our teacher let us out like a half hour early. I really wanted to give him a hug, but I restrained myself because that's just creepy.

Throughout the day Ed judged and compared me to every single person I saw. If it was a girl, my thought was "would Nick find her attractive?" After that I would find something about her that I felt I SHOULD have and come to the conclusion that "ya, Nick would like her more than me, I'm not good enough. If it was a guy my thought was "I wonder if he looks at me and goes ewwww, or if he thinks I am weird looking." Do I care, no because I have Nick and he loves me and I love him. No other boy matters, but ED cares. That is ALL he cares about. He was strong today and put up a good fight, but I live to fight another day!

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3