So sorry I haven't been writing every night. My usual computer crashed so I am writing from my little netbook and after doing homework and things on it all day, it is usually dead! I have also been very busy with school work, midterms are next week. If I am not working on all the mountains of homework, I am at work. It has been pretty stressful! I have also been sticking to my half hour of zumba exercise. It feels really good to work out and not over do it on my body. I have not noticed much change in my body, but I have noticed a big change in ED. It seems like the more I work out, the less I eat. My fear of food is growing. The negative body image has shifted toward food. I wouldn't necessarily say I like my body or feel good about my body, but since I started doing zumba, my body isn't the issue, it is the food. I feel like I am in a lose lose situation. Exercising in moderation is good for your body and makes me feel better, but then my fear of food rises. If I stop exercising, I feel lazy and fat and my body is the problem, not so much the food. I just can't win. It doesn't make sense to me and it is very frustrating and scary. Today I only ate about half of my meal plan and feel ENORMOUS and guilty for not working out. I am not letting myself work out since I didn't eat well. I didn't give my body enough to do daily activities, let alone exercise. I am scared that I am slipping and losing control. The thought of eating my full meal plan makes me want to cry because I know the discomfort that I will feel after. The thoughts of food are beginning to distract me from school and work. I am tired and wish this would go away, I want to live my life!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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