I know I just posted, but I need to get more off of my mind. All of my friends and family have sent their love my way and it has helped me a lot. I wish I could realize that there is more to me than my body size. In the past three years I have come a long way in realizing more about myself than my appearance, but when I feel like this it is hard to even care about those traits. I feel like even though I have other positive traits, I will be nothing if I am not small. I am embarrassed for my boyfriend to see me when I feel like this because I feel like that is grounds to leave me. Why would he want to stay with me if I am gaining weight? That is a huge fear of mine. For a long time now I have made my body size the determining factor on whether or not I am deserving of love. The bigger I feel or look, the less I deserve to be loved. It is ridiculous I know, but it is a serious belief and fear of mine.
I appreciate all of everyone's support on getting me through tonight. It means the world to me to know I am not alone.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
ED took the day
Today was flat out rough. I woke up in a blah mood and had no motivation get out of bed. All day I felt this way. After breakfast and lunch it just got worse. After my pre-work nap it seemed as if I had gained 20lbs all in my stomach. To me I look about 5 months pregnant and I want to cry. I struggled all day to just get through. I am so uncomfortable that I tried to work out but got so upset that I was giving into my Eating Disorder urges that I stopped. Now I am writing with the most hopeless feeling my heart. I pray that tomorrow is a better day because I don't know if I can handle another day like today.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3 (I'm trying to)
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3 (I'm trying to)
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Advocating ED
Tonight was my speech at my Mom's Kiwanis club. All day I was calm and confident about talking, but once I got to the venue, I was shaking from head to toe! I was able to meet some of the member before my speech which helped a lot! I was able to gauge who my audience was, and from my first impressions they were very nice people. One of my biggest fears going into this was that the audience would not be interested, or understanding of the topic. I guess tonight really taught me to never prejudge.
My mom introduced me and had me tearing up before I was even able to begin. Once I swallowed my tears I went right into it. I started by asking the members what they already knew about ED. I got some great responses. After I felt everyone who wanted to contribute had, I started my power point. Public speaking has never been a natural thing for me, so I said a few (lots) more "ums" than I would have in my mind, and probably fidgeted a lot, but I got through it. After I told my own story, I used some resources from NEDA's website to give some statistics. At the end there were lots of questions, which excited me! I could tell they were all very interested in learning more about ED.
Being able to see the reactions of those I was speaking to and have a conversation about eating disorders was a very empowering experience for me. It was the first time I felt like the past three years of work have actually been worth something! I know my health should be worth all of the work I have put into my recovery, but seeing how my story has effected the people I spoke to meant the most to me. At the end of the meeting most of the member came up to me and complimented (which made me feel great), some opened up about their loved ones who have dealt with ED or other mental struggles. To know that what I was talking about was relevant to them and meant something to them made all of the nerves seem silly! I walked away from the experience proud and on a high that I had changed some lives tonight. Even got a few more ideas of things that I need to add to my next speech :)
Thank you to all of the Xenia Kiwanis members for listening to me tonight and participating in the conversation. Together we are making changes!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
My mom introduced me and had me tearing up before I was even able to begin. Once I swallowed my tears I went right into it. I started by asking the members what they already knew about ED. I got some great responses. After I felt everyone who wanted to contribute had, I started my power point. Public speaking has never been a natural thing for me, so I said a few (lots) more "ums" than I would have in my mind, and probably fidgeted a lot, but I got through it. After I told my own story, I used some resources from NEDA's website to give some statistics. At the end there were lots of questions, which excited me! I could tell they were all very interested in learning more about ED.
Being able to see the reactions of those I was speaking to and have a conversation about eating disorders was a very empowering experience for me. It was the first time I felt like the past three years of work have actually been worth something! I know my health should be worth all of the work I have put into my recovery, but seeing how my story has effected the people I spoke to meant the most to me. At the end of the meeting most of the member came up to me and complimented (which made me feel great), some opened up about their loved ones who have dealt with ED or other mental struggles. To know that what I was talking about was relevant to them and meant something to them made all of the nerves seem silly! I walked away from the experience proud and on a high that I had changed some lives tonight. Even got a few more ideas of things that I need to add to my next speech :)
Thank you to all of the Xenia Kiwanis members for listening to me tonight and participating in the conversation. Together we are making changes!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Stuck in a Low...
Last week was rough! Fought the flu all week while continuing to go to school and work. I am feeling stressed, it seems like school is getting busy and I am feeling like I am not doing as well with my jewelry business as I would like. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. During all of this I have been feeling very lonely, like I am all on my own. Although I know am not, ED does what he can to isolate me whenever he can. I hate him in that way. His attempts to isolate me are still a battle I need to learn how to fight. I eat healthy and keep a steady, healthy weight, but he is still there...and in some cases, still winning small battles. I know in time I will learn how to deal with this form for bullying too, but for now, I am left feeling alone and getting through each day as it comes.
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Flu Bug Fun
The past three days have belonged to the flu :( no fun! It is so hard taking care of yourself and two animals when you can barely get out of bed! But I did it somehow. I am getting better, keeping food down but still very low on energy.
ED has behaved himself since I have been sick which I am very grateful for! My speech is next Tuesday and I'm getting nervous! I am also very excited though, this is something I have always wanted to do since I found my power in my disease. This is my chance to change someone's view of ED with my experience. I hope those of you reading that have recovered or are recovering from ED realize how much power you have over your disease. Recovery is in your hands, all you have to do is grip it and run with it!
Stay Strong and Beautiful!
ED has behaved himself since I have been sick which I am very grateful for! My speech is next Tuesday and I'm getting nervous! I am also very excited though, this is something I have always wanted to do since I found my power in my disease. This is my chance to change someone's view of ED with my experience. I hope those of you reading that have recovered or are recovering from ED realize how much power you have over your disease. Recovery is in your hands, all you have to do is grip it and run with it!
Stay Strong and Beautiful!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Insecurities
We all have our insecurities. Some more than others, personally, I feel like I have too many to count. At times my insecurities can be crippling. There are days I feel so fat, or ugly that I don't want any one to see me, so I don't leave the house if possible. Other days I get so insecure about who I am as a person that comments made by others (including harmless comments) stick with me and replay through my mind to the point that it becomes personal.
Lately I have been feeling insecure about how I do not look, and at times act, my age. I work with kids, so I tend to take on their care-free spirit which can be childish, I am aware, but I also know that it makes me a happier person than most. I wonder if that is something I should change, or if it is ok and is just who I am? I also feel insecure about the age I look, I am 21 and people guess 15 or 16. It makes it hard to be taken seriously as a woman and as a girlfriend. I know Nick sees me as a woman, but I feel like I look at other couples and the woman is so sophisticated. I feel lost right now, like I don't know who I am or who I should be.
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation" -Herman Melville
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Lately I have been feeling insecure about how I do not look, and at times act, my age. I work with kids, so I tend to take on their care-free spirit which can be childish, I am aware, but I also know that it makes me a happier person than most. I wonder if that is something I should change, or if it is ok and is just who I am? I also feel insecure about the age I look, I am 21 and people guess 15 or 16. It makes it hard to be taken seriously as a woman and as a girlfriend. I know Nick sees me as a woman, but I feel like I look at other couples and the woman is so sophisticated. I feel lost right now, like I don't know who I am or who I should be.
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation" -Herman Melville
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
How to Save a Life
Today I was thinking about my speech again, and I got to wondering something; How do you approach/help someone you suspect may have an eating disorder?
I thought back to my own experience. Initially I had told my mom that I was not eating well and needed her help, but as my disease progressed, I no longer wanted the help that I initially asked for. My family and friends grew increasingly concerned about my health with the more weight I lost. The disease poisons your mind and turns you against the ones that love you. You don't see the need to get help, and their constant concern becomes irritating. So what do you do?
This is a question I have been struggling with for a while. I see people all over, on campus, at the store, with frail bodies that catch my eye. Because of what I have been through, I want to help them and tell them it can get better, but how do you approach that. Obviously I cannot go up to every skinny stranger and ask them if they have an eating disorder. But, how do you give them enough to know you care and understand what they are going through? I certainly don't want to make them uncomfortable, or make their battle any more difficult, however, I feel almost obligated to do SOMETHING. What if I am the only person that can recognize the disease, what if no one else says anything and they never get help? It is no doubt a very difficult thing to see a beautiful girl with a look of fear and emptiness in her eyes and knowing you can help her, but not knowing how to get that far!
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face" -Eleanor Roosevelt
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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