Today (well yesterday since it is after midnight) was my 20th birthday!!!! I can't believe I am 20, oh my gosh!! It seems so crazy to think that in the next 5 years or so I will possibly be married and having kids! Good grief! I am in no hurry for that though, there is enough going on right now.
The morning routine went pretty smoothly, not many judgments from Ed. I was just excited about hearing from my family and friends. Once I got to school though, it was a different story. My anxiety of not knowing anyone in my classes and not knowing what to expect in my new classes caused me to drop my guard, and Ed snook in.
In my first class, I sat at the first empty table I could find. I let other people sit around me. A girl from a previous class of mine ended up sitting across from me and two of her guy friends joined her. After doing a group activity I felt more comfortable around my new friends. Ed had a few rude comments to say about my interactions with new people, criticizing things I said and making me feel dumb for having said them. UGH!!
After that class was my lunch break, I didn't eat much of my lunch though. I think the stress, loudness of Ed, and the distraction of my birthday were just too much for me to handle at once.
The next class of the day was History. I knew one of the guys from my morning class was in there. When I walked in, he was the only one I recognized, so I sat next to him. Ed instantly judged me, calling me mean names. During class he started asking me questions including lots of questions once he found out I had a boyfriend. It made me really uncomfortable and really annoyed especially since I was trying to pay attention to the teacher! ED made me believe that I was a bad girlfriend to Nick for having chosen to sit by this guy and that I was a "dirty whore." I know that is horrible, but I believed him. I left school feeling as if I had been unfaithful! Looking at it now I realize ED was just being a jerk and that I did nothing wrong by making new friends. He was the one that crossed a line with me and made me feel uncomfortable. I was open with Nick about it and he reassured me that he was not upset about it but would teach the guy a lesson if needed ;)
I would never do anything to hurt Nick. He understands me, and is patient with my emotions and challenges I face with ED. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I hope he realizes that. I can't even look at other boys because I know there is nothing better out there for me, I already have him.
After all of that, I went to my Dad's for dinner and some time with my family time. We had yummy tacos and got ice cream :) Since I didn't eat much of my lunch I was able to eat ice cream and not feel "guilty" about it. Ice cream is a big trigger for me. I have such strong memories of getting sick after eating ice cream. I will spare you the nasty, nasty details, but all of the images and feelings of the action are just STUCK in my mind with every spoonful of ice cream I eat. I know how it looks after it has been eaten, so I see that image just sitting in my stomach, doing nothing but taking up space and making me feel fat.
After some family time I went to Nick's. We talked with his mom for a while and cuddled while watching Teen Mom 2. He got me a beautiful necklace with a little help from my mom. He truly is amazing. My entire family is. All day my phone was blowing up with calls, texts, and Facebook alerts of comments. I felt soooo important. It was a cool feeling. People wish you a happy birthday that you thought didn't even realize you existed. Pretty neat feeling. Hope every one had a great day!!
Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3
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